Coming Out Support Group

This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.

1,138 Members
2,194 Posts
0 Online
Lesbian & Gay
/ Coming Out Support Group

Acceptance and religious parents

dreamingoutloud0098
dreamingoutloud0098
I came out to my parents over a year ago (not on my own terms, an angry ex boyfriend told my mom) And my mom, in her own words, told me that she and my dad "deal with it by pretending it doesn't exist) which is how they have been handling my older brother being gay. My parents are both catholic, as are the rest of my family (I am not) but although I am an atheist, I respect their rights to believe what they believe.

It could have been worse, I'll admit, they could have shunned me or yelled, they "accept" it, but not really in the way I had hoped. I know it's A LOT for them to accept, i know. I can bring girls home, introduce them, but I can't say that they are my girlfriends, I have to address them as "friends", especially in front of family members.

It could be worse, but it still hurts. And it makes me a little angry that my other two brothers who are straight, can bring girls home and hug them and hold their hand, but I can't do that. They can say "this is my girlfriend" but I can't. I often wonder what my parents will do when I marry, or adopt children, because I know they stand on same sex marriage and parents.

I should probably give them more time, but I have a girlfriend, long distance, who is coming here for the holidays. My parents know, they don't know we're together. I don't know how to approach that, and I'm also afraid that if they did know, they wouldn't let her stay in the house (and she can't afford a hotel, neither can I) but my little brothers girlfriend can stay here on the weekends. I'm just scared, and I feel like my love is something to be ashamed of.

Any advice?
WyndWytch
WyndWytch
that is a hard one in the sense that since it is their house you have to play by their rules. That said, it would be best to let them know ahead of time so that plans can be adjusted if needed incase they freak out over it. Your other option is to say nothing and just try to not overly show it while in front of them. or break them in slowly at the least. Maybe go ahead and let them see you two holding hands and such. Either way it may be tricky. That all said, just because they are not completely open minded does not mean you need to feel ashamed. You shouldn't be ashamed because you are in love. you made comment about your brother being gay. do they allow his mates to come over? Or does he not bring them around. If he does and they aren't flipping over it, then you may be okay, they just don't want to see it kind of thing so that they can remain in their state of hiding from it. Either way, don't let them or anyone else make you feel ashamed because you are being you.
newtothis4
newtothis4
It will take time. I came out to my parents 2 years ago and they reacted about the same way you explained your parents reacted. I fell in love with a friend that they loved, but once I told them we were a couple, they changed their attitude toward her. We are still together and they are starting to come around. I went from going to Pride parades and my dad telling me not to tell them anything about it last year to my dad telling me he was reading about it this year! So they are coming around and they are finally happy to see me happy and being treated the way I deserve to be treated. Just try and give them some time. It's a lot for them to take in especially having 2 children that are gay. My best advice is while you are in their house, respect them and their rules and they will eventually respect you too. That is based on my experience and I live right next door to my parents! Good luck to you.
rk4262
rk4262
Having come out years ago, I have to say that newtothis4 was completely correct. While you live in their house abide by their rules completely, showing them that you respect their beliefs will go along way to reaching them. In time they will get used to the idea and will begin to wish they were more involved in your life, and knew more about your life. Just make sure you don't do anything to lose their trust. That is one of the keys to a good relationship, you must trust each other.
You are lucky to have a brother that is gay, because the two of you can lean on each other for support. I just wish I had had someone like that when I came out.