Coming Out Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
I am a 30 years old, african american, and closeted gay male living in the South Carolina. Say hello to my current and possible one of the biggest battle I was fighting for years. I've been fighting this fight of struggling to come out for 17 years and now I am tired. I want to beat this and move on, but I don't think I have the strength to keep fighting. All my life I was in an environment where gay is not an option.
In the african community, it is frown and embarrasment to your family. I did manage to tell my mom, but still to this day, she barely speaks of my sexuality and constantly present me as a straight son to others. It is a painful feeling and brings on a sense of worthlessness. Overall, my family view gay people as a joke and in a lot of cases lesser individuals. I could be imagining this, but when you hear a family member categories a group of people as "the gays," it makes me wonder how they would view me if I came out. Will they view as less of a person or member of the family. In my family, because I am a male there is a certain way they view me. For instance, growing up I was corrected when crossing my legs while sitting.
Another area of my life where I feel trapped to not come out is the military. I am aware that there are service members who are serving opening gay, however, it all depends on the work environment. There is no one in my squadron that will understand, and they have the same belittled mindset of individuals who are of the LGBTQ community. If I were to come out, I feel as if I would be treated with little to no respect and I would not be able to do anything about it.
Between family and military, I feel extremely trap, drained, and afraid to do anything. However, I am getting help through counseling, but I want to chat to other men who can relate. It will be good to just talk or chat about common situations like this.
I will say this about family. It is really easy to talk carp about someone when they aren't in front of you. They have 0 experience with anyone gay (that they know of) If you were to come out they may act different for a time, but may through your interactions with them realize you're not any different. Sure some people are hateful jerks and I wont say everyone is cool with it because its not true. They simply have 0 frame of reference. So that may be a lot of it.
Now the military is definitely a unique beast. However there is a bit of a silver lining (I know quite a few in various branches who are gay) often times believe it or not a lot will be okay with it. Again youre going to run into those good old boys who will flip biscuits over it, but some are going to be okay. That all said, why tell them at all? Who you date and share your bed with has nothing to do with them at all. I mean unless you are planning to invite them into your bedroom when you are sleeping with someone why do they need to know? If you were straight would you invite them in? Why would you if you are gay? Unless you are in a relationship with a man right now they don't need to know because honestly its no ones business but yours. You don't get a stamp on your forehead and being out really wont change a whole lot other than if you do end up dating someone and then go hang with the guys they wont be surprised but if you start dating someone worry about it then. It doesn't mean you are living a lie, it doesn't mean you are hiding anything because again its not their business any more than if they wanted to know how many times you change your underwear in a day, or how often you brush your teeth or so on. The military in the USA is built on male Bravado period, which means that they are going to always be "balls to the walls" but in reality that is a group mentality and not one of the individual. All of my old friends from the military know I am trans and bi now, they didn't when I was in, they are still around, nothing really changed other than they were a bit shocked at first. You might be surprised but you know them better than I do. If nothing else. you're stuck with them for 3 years then you transfer and you don't have to deal with them.
Anyhow I am willing to chat, just shoot me a message. I think you can get through this :D it will be okay in the end