I have unfortunately recently realized that I am codependent and have been in a codependent marriage for 20 years. While learning a lot about this in the past few weeks I have come to realize that my mother is also codependent and it is learned behavior for me. My mother and I have a difficult -at times- relationship. As long as it is not too deep we're fine, when any real issues surface it becomes disastrous for weeks or months at a time.

Ive been married for 20 years -married very young- and we've crazy-happy (or happy-crazy) most of it. We've had a few situations which should have torn us apart yet he and I cannot/will not separate… Even for a day. We've never had a period of time apart. He's been alcohol free for 12 years consecutively now. Prior to that there was a lot of abuse… Physical, emotional, verbal. All of which have been forgiven and mostly forgotten. The only thing that has remained the same from those early days is the fighting. Although our fights are rare and no longer physical and/or certainly less verbally aggressive they are still horrific. We have come to realize that we are both codependent with me being FAR more codependent than him. 

After a rough two years financially stemming from a bad business deal (after a very comfortable lifestyle) we've had a rough patch the past few months. During this time we could not for the life of us figure out what was wrong because we are both so confused as why the other one was upset and just kept going in circles. That's how we came upon the codependency. Since finding this out every single day is a circle of starting out rough, having a decent afternoon, fighting in the evening, making up, a day of peace and quiet and then repeat. Since finding out that I am codependent I really, really want to get mentally healthy but my husband is happy being crazy happy, happy crazy. He just wants the cycle of arguing to stop. I do admit that most of the cause of the arguing is me trying to talk to him about the changes that need to happen for me, and us, and him.

The me part: I have absolutely no idea who I am other than his wife and our kids mother. I do not work, I have no true/tight friends but several acquaintances who would be stunned to know that they are the closest ones to me because my husband and I appear very social. I can't even think of things I like or any hobbies I might enjoy. I know I like coffee and suduko. Other than that, I'm not even sure what would interest me. However, I do know that when I mention something, even with fleeting interest, ex. "we should go play tennis sometime, I took a class as a kid I remember liking it." When my husband responds "that would be awesome! I'd love to run around in the heat, sweating, chasing balls for absolutely no reason at all." I immediately retreat, "yeah you're right, didn't think of that, that would suck, LOL." Truth be told… The way he put it, it definitely sounds like it would suck but I also know that I miss out on doing a lot of things -even if it's just an idea- because he doesn't want to… So I just don't do anything.  If he's quiet for even five minutes I'm asking "what's wrong",  suggesting things to do, coming up with ideas for the day, trying to change his mood etc.… I'm exhausted. I also run myself in circles trying to "help him" or make things easier for him and I do find myself burned out over putting out unappreciated effort that I'd never get in return. I'm also feeling newly irritated about the things I've 'accepted' in our relationship over the past 20 years… Abusiveness, his selfishness, etc.

The us part: I want to break all these terrible codependent relationship habits that we've had in place for 20 years. I would like us both to feel free to have differing emotions at the same time instead of always trying to match the others feelings. I would like us to have healthy disagreements where they are respectful and helpful instead of more damaging. I would like us both to work on this separately or together… Whatever works. I do know when it comes to codependency I'm a lot worse than him.

Him: The only way to put this is my husband is mildly mentally ill. He's bipolar, has a lot of anxiety and is only successful when medicated. Due to this he is constantly aware that HE is an ongoing problem and resents feeling like every problem in our lives can somehow be drawn back to his mental problems and upbringing. I don't agree with that but he is certain that I blame him for all of our problems.  He feels overwhelmed between me, the kids, our relationship and work he is unavailable to work on any part of himself anymore so he just wants to take another pill to make it go away. He has repeatedly told me that even though I'm high maintenance (being codependent and all) he likes that we're all about each and are always together. I do believe he likes that but I also know he doesn't want to have to work on himself which means if I work on myself he'll feel pressure. 

I'm so exhausted from all the overthinking, constant conversations, arguments and self awareness that I stumbled upon but I really want to make myself better.

Any opinions?