I am many years into my codependency recovery and this road of recovery has been a real joy.  Sometimes I can sit back and enjoy how different my life is now and how far I have come.  Other times, like today, I am tested and triggered.

I am vulnerable this week as I have a really painful back sprain. The recovery time is 4-6 weeks and I’m in a lot of pain.  My mother is extremely toxic, narcisstic and needy.  She is also in bad health (chronic), depressive and  would take my last breath if she could.

I’ve worked hard over the last 8 years putting up some boundaries between me and her but helping her when necessary-hospital trips, short visits at home...always leaving when she becomes bitter, nasty or too depressive.  I take her out to the cinema, theatre, music events where we don’t have to converse much but it makes her life a bit more interesting and I get a little something out of the event in terms of enjoyment. But the more I do, the more she wants from me.  She has no friends...she lives through her adult children (5) and grandchildren...she believes we all ‘owe’ her for simply being her children.

Today she has turned up at my house angry. She looked after my dog last night for me because my back was so bad. She adores the dog so it was no hardship for her. She got out of the car and as I greeted her she was angry. I asked her to lower her voice as all the neighbours could hear her. She was on a destruction mission (as always). She asked how I was but was angry to hear I was no better (she’s really weird about anyone being ill), she was angry my daughter is home and even though we are visiting her tonight she wants more...she called me lots of names...I’m poison, I’m nasty, I’m rude, I’m vicious....

It’s still painful (even though I have a life time of experience of this) to hear your mother talk to you this way for no real reason. It’s still painful to experience this, time and time again. It’s embarrassing to know the neighbours in their sunny gardens could hear this. It’s hard to remind myself I am not the person she tells me I am. It’s hard to remember that I am the puppy she kicks in all her misery...she thinks I should pay for everything in the world that makes her miserable...she wants me to feel as bad as she does....and this is not normal.

I could write an essay on my mother but all I need to say is: narcisstic, depressive, greedy, heartless...

If I’m honest, there is no safe place in this world...except ourselves. Siblings, partners, children, friends all have their own stuff going on and at times can’t offer the safe place I need to crawl into after dealing with my mother. So, I must find this place myself. Usually I can, but today I’m in physical pain, so it’s harder.