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Saying No

mlr0853
mlr0853

I said no to myself as far as my son goes, my true feelings of him blowing off our plans with no contact. Yet I felt angry and letting him know my 'feelings were hurt' was not enough because he was let off the hook for his behavior. I sent an "I' statement email letting him know of my feelings, yet that did not suffice as I still heard nothing back from him. Last night he called 3 days after the blow off and I had serious concerns about controlling my mouth. I feel our relationship is on the rocks, and I'm not going to accept "I forgot" which is his typical, or "I couldn't get a ride to"...just excuses, no excuse for not calling to cancel...I didn't expound farther...will wait to see if there is a response to my e-mail....will take my own issues to my therapist on wednesday.


Last night, also a change of plans from a gal who Always changes plans to what 'she' wants to do. At first I agreed to change from a nice lunch at a nice restaurant...she changed plans to go to an upscale thrift store and cheaper restaurant. Well I don't need or want cloths and have to dish out 250.00 for the next 4 months for my teeth bill...so for the first time, I said No to her new plan, and took care of what I Needed.


All of this type of behavior on my part is new and unsettling....also leading to more isolation on my own life which is not a good thing. Today I'm going to do Extra Special Self Care...it's raining out where the forecast said sun...so I'm off to take a nice shower, dress, go to the library to get some books....normally I'd be playing on computer games, waste the day away and stay upset.


I acknowledge I have no power change my son's behavior, nor my friends behavior...I do have choices to respect myself and not fall into the trap of 'pleasing' or "disrespecting" myself by not using my voice to say No.

Group Foundermirandac
mirandac
Good share and taking care of you, hugs
salina
salina
Get all the help and support you can get it’s not easy recovering alone especially when detatching and making bid changes.
urbangardener
urbangardener
I like this post, Miro853. I am also working on doing what is right for me instead of always appeasing or taking less than. You son may not "get it" but that doesn't meant his behavior is about you. He does what he does because its about him. Sometimes we take these things as we are less than, that the other person is telling us by their behavior that we don't matter. What was nice to read in your post was hearing yourself say you do matter! And I agree that at first as we are changing from relationships that are fulfilling to ourselves to making new friends, there is usually a lag time. When we finally get tired of being the "less than", its hard to keep going with these people. But having a gap will enable you to work towards the new.
mlr0853
mlr0853
Thanks U/G...love your name..I'm Nuts with gardening!....anyway, my thought is there are no excuses when phone, email, text are available to communicate....the "empty sorry'' well to me 'sorry means' taking responsibility and having a change in behavior to not repeat....dear son expresses the 'empty sorry'.

I've come a long way since Christmas, letting go of the Mom Roll, and letting him fend for himself. Me, ended 2 5o+ year relationships, and now have 2 new people, plus book club, and senior center activities...my gardens are a never ending process of cleaning up and change too...east coast....so I'm feeling like living my life is the way to focus …. my son misses out....sadly.
thegobetween
thegobetween
Hi. I’ve been on the codependency recovery road for a long time now and have come a long way. I can recognise so many of your small steps (similar to mine) as the makings of ‘giant progress’ in the long term. You’ve set up activities for yourself to develop healthy routines and relationships. Some will work, some you’ll change and find better ones. You are learning what frustrates you and drives you crazy and what is a waste of time for you (computer games). I had to lose some of my bad habits that were coping mechanisms for me. Can I ask if you’ve read ‘codependent no more’ by M. Beattie? These books changed my life. I also watch some really good YouTube short talks (5 mins) when things in my life are difficult to put me back on track. I’ve found I have an old dialogue running in my head and it’s been programmed that way for a long time but now needs changing channel.
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