I do understand and that was a
good and open share. I have read
Your other posts.

I had to be on bottom before i was
Willing to start going to alanon. I
Tried it when i first married and i was
Not ready. My ex started AA first then
Me into alanon that was 7 years ago.

Shame and fear will often keep many
Away From being willing to go there. I
Know i was. I had some therapy When
younger i needed much more Than i
had. I did get unenmeshed and Moved
away from my sick controlling And narc
mother. It was still not Far enough or did
i get really healthy enough.

I married into what i knew and it stayed
That way for 30 years even though He
was dry. It was still an alcoholic Marriage
and he has narc traits. His Mother has
narc traits and is from an Alcoholic home.

So much of this recovery is slow going
It takes getting in there deep and It is
easier alone. Relationships Are hard for
us codependents. I Am not ready yet
myself for a new one.

Fear is the number one issue in Many
before coming into 12 step groups. I
Just sat listened, learned and Absorbed
for two years before i Stopped being a
doormat to him. I cried lot.

Its all a process and its not easy to
Change our spots. Most of this Is from
our upbringing and childhood. It takes
retraining and reprogramming which
To me is very hard to do alone.

Welcome to our group, HUGS

I had Another thought many go to
Therapy and often times they suggest
ACOA/ACA adult child. They do have
Step study groups too.

All we do there in my group is read
From our book and comment on it and
How it pertains to us and our family.

I have seen windows and doors open
Up for many. I like that i had alanon
First but its not required. Its healing
And helping not blaming program.

12 steps is about learning how to
Stop coming from ego and learn
How to be humble and mature. Its
About self focusing and healing us.
Many of us have a very wounded
Inner child deep inside, HUGS

My mother died about 5 years ago and honestly, that was the only way that I could start looking at my childhood and teen years in a more objective manner. It helped me to start taking responsibility for my own choices and stop blaming my mother's treatment of me as the reason for those choices.

Amazingly, it's still hard to get over the past despite the fact that my mother is no longer here. My younger brother was talking about my mother at Thanksgiving and said something about how she was nice to him. I replied that I wished she had afforded that opportunity to me and he said, "Maybe you should have been nicer to her." I was so flabbergasted at his statement that I got very depressed for three weeks following. Throughout my childhood and teen years all I ever tried to do was be perfect so that my mother would STOP abusing me. The fact that my brother accused me of being abusive to my mother was too much. It was like telling me that I was somehow responsible for and causing my own abuse, like all narcissists tell their victims.

I realized afterward that his experiences with her were different than mine. She may have also said things to him that were untrue in order to gain his approval and sympathies-- a completely narcissistic thing to do.

My sister constantly talks about how much she misses my mother and acts as if my lack of sadness because she's gone makes me heartless.

I realized that narcissistic codependency is a family disorder. I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with it and be part of the family. It's hard to be part of these conversations at family functions
without being triggered.

Becoming objective about my mother, siblings and interacting with them without getting emotional has been difficult.

I personally find its best not to talk
About it with your family members if at
all possible. You can lead by Example
instead. I know its the elephant in the
room. I have an elephant on top of my
fridge as a reminder about addiction,
Narcissism, dysfunction, abuse and
codependency.

In my family every family member
Has a different reality and every child
Is wired differently. You just beat Your
head against the wall trying to Get
them to See things your way. Its Like
Argueing with a controlling person.
Their true agenda is often not to see
or to Hear you and to invalidate you.
Many are still living in denial too.

Any and all recovery work is for and
About you not them. I can not change
My mother at 86. I give her strong
Boundaries which she does not think
Pertain to her. My father the alcoholic
Abandoned us after getting sober then
Remarrying. We had a semi relationship
Later on.

In alanon they want us to learn how
To become our own person and to
Heal also to learn how to self focus.
Its a spiritual program of self growth,
Healing And change.

Have you ever gone to therapy? I
Have a great 12 step therapist. I see
Her only as needed now. I have done
Whatever i needed to do to heal me.
There lots online too and books.

I am sure others will chime in. I go
To church and an ongoing visitor to
Divorce care still. Whatever works
For me And gets me stronger from
the inside Out.

I feel for you i understand the pain,
hurt and how you probably feel. My
Own recovery Was long overdue.

Last night a girl i go to meetings with
Said how she viewed herself as a wife.
She was speaking my story. She made
Sure everyone was taken care of and
She Took care of everything. No one
was Taking care of her especially she
herself as she should have been. We
give and give but we do not receive.

Dealing with codependency is a bear
to Deal with. Its deep and hard to get
At, HUGS

I do need to remember that others' comments are more often about themselves than about me. This may help me to remove the emotional response towards my siblings.

I need to focus on me. I can't change them.

Its like say an example. I TRY very Hard not
to be judgemental or shaming its some
Thing we work hard on in recovery. No
One else has walked in your shoes.

If i encounber a judging/shaming person
now I think to myself that is a good sign
They are dysfunctional. It takes the Shame
blame out of the Equation and the feeling
of me being less than and before i would
Just stew.

I have found in recovery shaming Or judging
makes people go into Themselves and shut
down. Your best to not comment at all possible
if its negative or its coming From your own
Stuff, think and pause first.

Families are tough same as our partners Family.
Our friends we pick and choice Even where you
work. Family you do not have much choice. They
are a package deal often times :))) HUGS

Melody Beattie's newer book, The New Codependency, has exercises and inventories to take of oneself that help understanding ourselves. Perhaps taking one small step and not allowing yourself to stop yourself would help. Perhaps working on one thing at a time rather than everything all at once. Like if you have social anxiety, then go back to the CODA group, leave earlier, arrive earlier, find the room, and make yourself go in. You may find it super helpful or perhaps even less than helpful. But you will feel happy about being able to conquer your fears. I often/always have fear about going to strange gatherings and not knowing anyone. I usually find that going was well worth it and I feel some pride and satisfaction in not allowing fear to hold me down. You might choose to pick another thing you are more interested in to work on, and please know this is not criticism.

I still have fear when going to a new meeting.
Its the old codependent in me or anywhere
New really.

I just had To give a speech at a speaker mtg
And it was a different alanon group. That whole
day i was a mess, it ended up fine and The
people were great and very welcoming. There
were Light refreshments afterward.

That type of thing Made me feel like i was
doing a book report back In school. Talk about
eyes on me and social Anxiety. I did it though
And survived. I was proud of myself.

In alanon you practice things. Its like wearing
Adult training wheels in life, HUGS

Really the main thing that prevented me from going into the meeting was the small size. I couldn't just blend into the crowd and lurk in the back. If I had walked in it would have been VERY obvious. I have been to gatherings where I didn't know anyone many times, but those are large gatherings. It's easy to be more invisible and NOT the center of attention.

The next one I will have to be early.

You can just say pass if you don’t want
to talk. I did not talk for two years, believe
it or not:))) i cried a lot. I was Going thru a
bad time in my marriage, HUGS