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Cobalt 05/26/2019

I used to have a good grip on what I felt was letting go of "the things I cannot change," but in my marriage I am having difficulty doing that. I don't know if it's my history of being abused, or finding out that my ex husband was secretly dating one of my friends, but I have very little trust in anyone.

My husband does have a history of lying to me. It hasn't been often but it's been enough that it fuels the fire of a disordered wayof thinking. Once it starts it's hard to let go. His stories don't make sense. His actions don't match his words. I find myself spiraling every time it happens.

It happened again today. He did something that didn't match what he originally told me and I can't stop myself from Wondering what he is really doing.

Others have told me to bring the focus back to myself and what I can control but the intensity of the emotional pull is so strong that I am almost having a panic attack.

How do you let go of things you can't control? Just thinking about other things doesn't work to distract me. My mind always comes back around to the topic I am trying to avoid until I can come to some conclusion that satisfies both my rational and irrational thoughts.

salina 05/27/2019

Trying to control others is dysfunctional and causes conflict anger resentments , we may have some influence or power but it’s wasted energy ... we’re not giving other people the right to be autonomous what is a basic right for us all .

We can only control ourselves our feelings thoughts and behaviours in a situation ... you’re partner may well be lying but the focus should be on you and what you will do about it .

It is easier said then done a lot of support is needed in recovery , challenging old beliefs and cognitive distortions.

I find journaling very helpful when overcoming old behaviours and thought patterns .

mirandac 05/27/2019

In alanon they teach us to self focus
Not other focus. That can take us
Awhile even in recovery. Baby steps
And its layer by layer. Its Peel back
one Layer at a time.

We need to learn who we Are plus
IMHO stop any and all dysfunctional
behaviors, thinking and actions plus
The Reparenting of ourselves.

In 12 steps its learning to hand over
The control to our Higher Power or
God of our understanding. Trust for
Many is very difficult. It was very
Freeing for me when i finally did it.

The stop trying to fix and control
Others and things beyond my control.
If we learn to trust God/HP and work
our Program and do the work that is
Needed to get whole.

Pia mellody calls codependency
A disease of immaturity and she is
Right. John bradshaw is great too,

Glad you are on this journey. I have
Been in recovery for 7 years and i
Have Barely scratched the surface
Of my own issues.

I had A lot of grief to move thru still
Have plenty left. One day to a time,
HUGS

thegobetween 05/30/2019

Firstly, you’re not going crazy. If something doesn’t feel right, maybe it isn’t? Maybe he is lying? But , and I’ve learnt this the hard way, it doesn’t really matter. Are you safe? Is he hurting you at this present time? If he’s cheating, you will find out because one way or the other the truth always does. Do you want to stay with someone you can’t trust? Or (this was my problem) is it ‘you’ that you can’t trust? I had therapy to sort my issues out and I’ve learnt; stop worrying, if he’s bad, I will find out and I’ll no longer stay. There will be no drama. I’ll work the codependency steps if I screw up and I’ll get healthy again. So far, I’ve had 7 blissful years but I did the work. I also learnt, in every ending there’s a beautiful beginning. Every relationship that ended for me, meant something better was coming. I also had some years on my own and it was blissful xxx

Cobalt 05/30/2019

I am safe and he does not hurt me. I found out that I was off on the time that he was out on Sunday and it is plausible that he was doing what he said he did.

My problem stems from knowing I pick the wrong people to attach myself to and I don't want to be wrong about my hubby. After all, we're married.

thegobetween 05/31/2019

I understand that feeling very well. I’ve been desperate for a long term partner ‘not’ to be the problem and it’s hard. My therapist was never interested in ‘him’ but more me, my patterns and relationships and lack of boundaries. When you start working on yourself everything else gets clearer and new friendships emerge. It takes time but is so worthwhile. This is just my view point please take or leave what’s best for you.

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