I have been exactly where you are and let me tell you it doesn't get easier as time goes on. When you compromise who you are in order to hold a relationship together, you will never be completely happy. I too feel like I need a relationship in order to exist, but I finally had to step away from the man I was involved with because in the end I felt terrible about myself. I realized I was losing myself and he had all the control in the relationship. I have not read the book you mentioned, but have spent almost two years reading everything I could get my hands on. You may be happy part of the time, but you are not being your true self. Life is short and you deserve to be loved for who you are, not who you need to be to please someone else. Love and hugs.

I greatly appreciate your response. I do indeed feel like i'm loosing myself and I feel like he constantly walks over me. Every time I voice my feelings and I get shot down it causes me to ever so slightly let go of more of myself. I feel lost and I need to regain who I am again.

I know how you feel. Sounds like i need to read this book. My husband goes to the bar at least 3 to 4 times a week, drinks and plays pulltabs. I gave him the ultimatum about 3 times now. I need some strength.

Where did you find the book?

You're a nurse, right? Many nurses (and teachers, like me) are codependents b/c those qualities needed in the profession are also in co-dep relationships.

So... if you are "sick" from codep, think of it like an illness... don't you put them in quarantine???

So yes, I think you should isolate yourself first. Then only allow healthy relationships back in, one at a time.

Hugs.

I'd agree with Deli that creating space and distance is one of the best tools for making the change you want in your life. It helped me get out of my bad codependent relationship (well, almost out - I'm waiting for my STBX to have one last meeting with his attorney and then sign the agreement we've made).

I'd also agree with Hopeless... it doesn't get easier over time. As a matter of fact, for me time was a pathway to more and more compromise of self.

Many of us codependents end up in relationships with alcoholics/addicts and narcissists. That's because those people seek out people like us. These people are users.

I too was 'stuck' and just couldn't bring myself to be the one who ended it. It might help to research the idea of being 'trauma bound'. It's a concept in abusive relationships, similar to the Helsinki Syndrome - where your tormentor is also your rescuer so the idea of leaving them and being alone creates stress and panic. It helped me understand why I just couldn't leave and then once I did leave, why I was compelled to go back.

It also helped me to read the book In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon. Once I became aware of some of the 'covert aggressive' behaviors my STBX was using to keep control over me, I was able to change my response and neutralize the effects his behaviors had on me.

Good luck and many hugs.

Hi Nurse:

I disagree with those who suggest that you break up - to isolate yourself - to create space and distance - hell "no" is what I say.

I agree with Nurse in this = " I'd rather be unhappy and not alone than on my own. " Me too.

There is no reason for you to break up your relationship, and honestly separating from the other person does NOT heal or treat the codependency and you will carry the codependency with you if you do break up - or create distance.

There is no such thing as loving too much, as people just get love mixed up with other things, as like being too needy and calling that as love when it is not love.

When any of us start creating the new healthy boundaries then the relationship starts getting better and better without the other person doing anything, because when we fix our self then every one around starts to feel the effects for the better.

Here is a boundary book, and it is in the Libraries too:
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Here is a link about putting Boundaries on our self:
http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/

To break up is to be a last resort only when there is some serious reason to do it, because our relationships are the spice of life and those are what we need to fight to preserve.

This is just my own perspective trying to help.

I am reading that book now. I can completely relate I always seem to find men who are unavalable to give me the kind of love I desire. Not married or anything like just men that will never be able express or show me love, all alcoholics of course. I am reading Relationship magic as well it helps to find your values that you need to fill satified and fulfilled in a relationship. If you would like to give me your email I will send it to you it is just pdf. Thanksgiving was rough on me being alone. But this is the first time in my life that i have been single and not completyely depressed. I had cervical spinal fusion surgery a year and a half ago by a doctor who is well known for malpractice lawsuits and had lost his license enforcing it was two months after my surgery. My boyfriend I lived with as well as my children. Wasn't happy that I was not bringing in an income because I had to wait six weeks for my disability pay to kick in and kick me and my kids out on the street. My whole life I've been a banker I was in college trying to get my law degree to become a corporate in-house attorney for my bank I work for I have my whole life planned out. My life was being a banker. Then suddenly 10 days before my birthday I am having to move into my parents dining room with my children. (went from big house jaaguar hummer to a dining room with no doors). I am no longer able to work I'm in pain and I sleep all the time due to the medicine. I laid in bed and cried for 3 months I planned my funeral had at all worked out for my kids I was done I didn't see a point still bein here. I thought I'm alone no one's going to want me to then I can't work I have no goals in life anymore I didn't know who i was anymore.. After 3 months I got up and started reading self help books and for the first time in my life I'm a year single and I'm happy I packed my stuff up n my daughter and we move to a small town where we knew no one and started over. That was something I would have never done before and I've had to turn around and look at the change of my life the what I considered at one point in time the destruction of my life as a blessing now because we're able to live in a small town we're you able to spend time together I wasnt able to do that with my older 3 because I worked 60 70 hours a week. Which now in the time I spend with her I regret I wish I would have been more better parent than a career person as I have learnt there's nothing you can change life you just have to look and find the positive in everything and it's not easy but you gotta try I have a gratitude book that I write in at least five things in their day and I wake up what I'm grateful for and that can start stop by day I am actually trying to write my own self help book now I have so many notes from all of that because I'm trying to make myself a better person I'm trying to make myself non codependent. wish u luck feel free to share whats working fort u

@loraisaacson I read all my books off Scribd it's 8.99 a month but it's unlimited books except audio books which is what i use due to Dyslexia. good luck

Booky- I know we disagree with this issue all the time. : ) And I really see your point, but let's say we do want to stay in the relationship and that means we have to work on ourselves, don't you think that it's VERY difficult to do so if we're still immersed in the dysfunction? Don't you think it's important to at least take a GIANT step back until you re-orient yourself, otherwise, you keep on getting injured in the toxic dynamics? Not arguing with you- just talking it out.

Seeing- you are an inspiration. You're still here in this world, so you sound determined to make the best of it. I wish you much success.

A relationship that is ONE WAY is NOT relationship at all. Believing that we can in anyway control others is totally codependent.

You already know that you need to leave this totally codependent relationship for YOURSELF. Are you aware that while you stay in this relationship you are in fact being abusive to the other person? Each time we put up with such behavior or allow another to be abusive we are reinforcing their patterns of abuse and preventing them from seeking to change so they can have better relationships. It is a pattern of our being abusive to them.

Codependency is a disease. We have to choose to be in relationships that are healthy, to change ourselves and use healthy ways of interacting, and to leave relationship with individuals who continue to behave in abusive ways towards us. These are basic boundaries necessary to live free of codependency.

So many people are afraid of the term tough love because they believe it means being tough on the other. The truth is that it is TOUGH for us to establish the boundary of I will no longer accept abusive behaviors directed towards me by walking away from anyone who continues with abusive behavior.

A person being beaten by a spouse has the absolute right to walk away if that is what it takes to prevent further physical abuses. Mental and emotional abuses are the same. Any time another person causes us harm, we have to protect ourselves. The hope is that the other will realize that our presence depends on them no longer being abusive. But if they continue to choose to be abusive, we have to follow thru with the boundary of being respectful enough towards BOTH ourselves AND the other to be willing to walk away to stop that abuse.

It is totally codependent to believe that we have only to establish some lesser boundaries and things will work out or the other will magically change. That is the disease of codependency!

The truth is that you were created with special gifts meant to make this world a better place. You cant do that while trying to convince yourself that you can do anything that will make this relationship stop being so oppressive that you feel you have to apologize for your feelings. No one should ever be made to apologize for a single feeling.

To start to pull the string make a list of things that you have to do before you can leave. Start separating from this other person in small ways. When you feel like you must apologize, walk away or leave entirely until you grieve that feeling. Refuse to continue in any conversation that is in anyway putting down your personhood. Sometimes this is enough to see the other realize they want to change. Usually, they just ramp up the abuses. Keep up with your plans a little each day. Maybe tour apartments or something tangible, make up a budget for yourself to be on your own.

In the end, the choice is YOURS and YOURS alone. You have the right to remain totally codependent living with this person and feeling like your feelings are of no matter. You have the right to establish boundaries and walk away when the other is abusive. And you have the right to leave and learn to live a more healthy life. You just have to choose for yourself. That is step ONE!

Hi DeliA:

You and I always disagree because you jump to the idea of breaking up while I maintain that any relationship must be viewed as valuable.

It is very difficult to work on the dysfunctions while remaining in the relationship - yes it is, and the best things in life are very difficult so that we must take up that challenge or else we settle for second rate.

It might sound great like this = " take a GIANT step back until you re-orient yourself "
But in a relationship if we break up (the giant step) then there is no longer anything to reorient.

QUOTE + "otherwise, you keep on getting injured in the toxic dynamics?"
Some how I do not find this to be true or accurate. When some one I love trashes me then I get that message loud and clear, so the next time trashing is not so painful, and after that we become numb to the injuries.

The problems (the dysfunctions) are all connected inside of the relationship, so by breaking up then everything stops and then there is nothing left to fix.

If one needs time out then go visit mother or great Aunt for two weeks or a month as a time out - but that is not breaking up.

If you are in a sporting event or game and decide I am going to sit on the sidelines to heal myself - well then the game just goes onward without you.

Or having trouble on your Job so you quit the job to get away from the troubles, and so yes then it will be easy to feel comfortable except that you no longer have a job.

And if you go to another job where there is no trouble then that is not fixing the troubles it is just moving away from the troubles.

So in a relationship if we break up (or quit) then nothing is getting fixed and we just feel better while doing nothing.

In order to heal our codependency then we simply must heal our relationships, and that means we must heal all (all) of our relationships including the hardest and the most troubling relationships or else we our self can not get healed.

And it is right to break up if the partner is violent or threatening or abusive but even then we must not just leave an abuser so that then the abuser can go find some new victim, so that we need to effectively deal with a violent relationship too.

That is what I have learned to do.

If a person has to leave then it needs to be temporary because we simply have got to settle the relationship in whatever way it requires.

Otherwise we live with our own life-long regrets and that is a heavy load to carry through life.

For the OP - Nurse - she wants to save her relationship - so she needs to start doing the boundaries because boundaries really do work.

Peace to all.

Booky- I see your point, but relationships with people in your personal life is different than the workplace- you NEED a job; you don't NEED toxic friends- or even relatives.

I am single and have been for a few years. Yes its lonely at times but at the same time I feel free and without constraints. It is possible to do but it takes time to get to know yourself. I tell people I'm dating myself haha.

I have a friend who is codependent on every man she dates and let me tell you its sad. They have cheated on her, had sex with women with no condoms, have been controlling, etc.Each time she dates a guy she gets lower and lower with her standards.

If you don't leave now you have to realize you are doing yourself the harm.