Dear Jackie,
I empathize with you. I was in two codependent and emotionally/sexually abusive relationships with men in the past. Also, I just broke off an emotionally/verbally abusive friendship that I had maintained for 30 years. I'm trying to learn to forgive myself for not being able to leave the relationships sooner than I did. Be gentle with yourself. Codependency is my view an addiction to a person and a relationship. If this is not how you view codependency, I understand. Anyway, 21 years is a long time and I congratulate you for being courgeous and ending it.

Jackie, welcome and thank you. I am so sorry to hear you are suffering. It is in insidious disease/addiction. My partner left me yesterday (he does every other day). It feels like this is it this time - this time is real - he does this too me all the time and triggers that feeling of abandonment and already I miss him. He will most likely be back. The strength I will find in me hard to find in me is to say no.
21 Years is a long time - but with this support group and a progrm like CoDA or Al Anon you can get through this. We all can here and there are some very experienced people here (though of course they still have their own struggles) who have much strength and hope to share. xxx Welcome

Thankyou both for your replies.my husband left me 9 times before this last time but always came back.I guess this why im finding it so hard.Im getting better than i was and i know i will eventually be ok.thanks for your support.

If I can do it (and I'm not sure I have yet, but I'm on my way), you can do it. Being addicted to a person is tough. Everyone moves at their own pace. You can only smash your head against a wall so many times before you finally just stop. You (and I and it sounds like Mariposa too) are just a little hard headed. I have to try to hold on to what is real and reality is that the man I love doesn't exist. I made him up.

Do you think you made yours up too? Dorothy Parker has a poem that says:

And thus they are whose silly female dust
Needs little enough to clutter it and bind it.
Who meet a slanted gaze and ever must
Go build themselve a soul to dwell behind it.

If you like that much of it, you'll like the rest. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/sonnet-for-the-end-of-a-sequence/

Hang in there,
KB

Welcome Jackie. You can make it. It may not seem like it now, but you can. Just try and live for each day. Take time out every day to do something for yourself and make sure you spend some time laughing. It's really good medicine

It's okay to miss someone and still love them even after it's over, even when you know the relationship wasn't good for you. When I was in divorcecare, they said you just can't turn love off like a faucet. You can detach from him and do what is best for yourself though. Sometimes, that takes support. Is it him you miss or who he used to be or all the other things you've lost from the relationship? I know I miss who my ex was or seemed to be when I married him and I miss hugs, affection, companionship...but I know I ended it for a reason too (he was quite slow about divorcing me, just kept cheating and hurting me over and over...)

any time our drug of choice, with us it's people, isn't there. a withdrawal takes place

a child that has been abused will cry for the one that has abused them while they're being removed from the unhealthy situation.

we also get addicted to a certain level of being. if I'm living my life at 40% and want to move up to 50%, there will be a fight within as I try to upgrade my life.

our relationships can become places to hide behind. once they leave, our suit of armor goes with them. we are left naked. that can be uncomfortable

Thankyou guys,what great advice.I do think i miss the man i married not the man he is now.I just have to keep reminding myself hes not the same person.

Thank God for these boards- the support here is so healing. I've only known about Coda for 18 months or so but what i've learnt so far has helped me grow in so many ways.

Its 3am here in England and i'm not sleeping because I have just ended a year long relationship with a man that was also not who I had made him up to be. He even agreed to go to therapy with me these last 6 months to deal with his issues and set boundaries with not being inappropriate with other women which i found out yesterday he had broken in the most vile way.

Like its been said here, the withdrawal is hideous at the moment as we don't have our 'companion' to fix it. I realise now that i was not in love with my ex but it doesn't make it any easier missing the companionship we had. I had only just moved in with him and i am now back home at my parents whilst i get myself sorted.

The pain is painful isn't it and the most important thing is to allow ourselves to have these painful feelings right now and try to live moment to moment in the present where we ask God to be there with us and help us. With God's grace we will heal and we will be able to love ourselves so much more for the courage we have had to say i deserve better.

Love and blessings to you Jackie, this too shall pass, Vee :)