think that the best is going to happen as you ponder the future and when those negative thoughts bother you tell them to go away. even if the best does not happen usually its not the worst that happens

Thank you!

The way that I deal with trust is by trusting myself instead of trusting other people.

As in I trust myself to handle the problem instead of trying to prevent any such problem.

Like a person or friend or lover might cheat on me and then I will deal with the problem after it happens, which means that I do not need to trust the other person because I trust myself to deal with whatever might happen.

As it turns out there are lots of times and lots of people who fail to live up to my ideals, and as such most people are not completely trust worthy, and even myself fails in some cases.

I trust a plumber to do the plumbing, but if the plumber screws up the plumbing then it is not really a betrayal of trust even though the trust was violated. And I trust a mechanic to fix my car but some times the cost of repairs increases a lot.

I trust a girlfriend to be the best of girlfriends, but if the girlfriend screws up then we deal with the problem and maybe even break up - instead of violating my own trust.

I like the idea of myself being trustworthy and me giving every other person so that they all can trust in me, and when ever any other person does some thing that violates our trust then it is their wrong and not my own trust being violated.

To trust our self then we do not really need to trust anyone else.

That makes sense to me.

Hi Booky,

I think your perspective is really thought-provoking. I will have to think about that further. I guess the way I handle trust is that I am willing to extend a certain level of trust to people until their actions/behavior prove otherwise. I am willing to trust to a certain extent and see what happens.

It is really hard for someone to build up trust again with me, if they violate an important value that I have (like if a lover cheated). Those kinds of mistakes are deal-breakers for me.

Shar

When I was younger as under 25 then a lover cheating and having strict trust was expected and demanded, but now that I am much older and hopefully wiser then now I see things differently.

Having sex is just a physical activity and it does not have to mean that cheating is a violation of my heart and soul by the other person. That is what defines my boundary that my feelings are influenced but not controlled by the actions of any other person.

Look at Hillary Clinton as she stayed by her husband President Bill Clinton when he cheated, and now after that she is so respected that she might be our first female President in 2016.

What happened there is that now we know that we truly can trust (TRUST) her because Hillary Clinton has shown herself to be trustworthy. Of course Republicans do not like her politics but no one doubts that she means what she says,

Link = http://marriage.about.com/od/presidentialmarriages/a/hillaryclinton.htm

It was her husband Bill Clinton who violated her trust, while Hillary held on to her own boundaries - and that was the show of power and of strength.

As such if we our self can make our self as trustworthy then we do not need to rely on the trust of anyone else, because the other people's trust or lack of trust does not need to be any of our business.

If some other person like my friend or lover does me wrong or cheats then I get to deal with it, whether I forgive them or if I punish them or break up with them or whatever will depend on my own personal boundaries, and however I choose to respond.

As such if I trust myself to deal with whatever confronts me, then the other people do not need to be under my control.

Thank you Booky ~ you had a lot of insight and help me greatly. I think the person I really trust the least is myself, and that is something I need to work on. My BF gives me no reason to worry because he tells me all the time you. My fear is that he's not love me anymore, that's because I think my dad no longer loves my mom. I have to remember my relationship is separate from my parents.

I am happy that you liked what I posted because some times my messages will get people angry at me.

My understanding is that to trust one self is like the ultimate boundary, and therefore "self trust" is perhaps one of the hardest boundaries to have.

And to trust one self does not mean that we do no wrong - but that we learn to take a hit and keep on maturing.

Link = http://www.ehow.com/how_2105384_trust-yourself.html

My own father died of cancer when I was 17, and of course he did not betray my trust by dying, and so then my Mom did not cause my Dad to die as she did not betray my trust, and God did not stop the cancer which is not a matter of trust either, but my Dad's death affected my mentality and my emotions for many years there after.

So too when your Mom and Dad break up then it is not really your own fault but it surely will feel that way.

My understanding is that we simply can NOT trust other people to love us, as that is asking for too much, and it is trying to control the other people through the "trust" when controlling other people is not healthy and it is the essence of the codependency.

I have brothers and sisters who love me for a few years and then they get angry and then hate me for a few years, and their love is turned on and off like a light switch.

And I get loving girlfriends one day (or couple years) and later they turn to hating me - as if some magic switch got flipped.

So I find that my only reliable boundary is that I myself must be the trust worthy one, as I myself give out the unconditional love, and then I hope and pray for other people to do right even when they more often do wrong.

To end our own codependency then we our self must become the strong one, as we our self must become the trust worthy one, and we become the loving one, while virtually everyone else will let us down over and over again.

That sounds like a negative perspective, but I find it to be the doorway to letting go of what I can not control.

Hi Again, Booky and Everyone,

I do think it is important to trust self, but I also think trusting others is part of sharing intimacy. The relationships that I try to develop these days are with people that I do trust, who have kept their word and share similar values to mine.

It does not mean that they are perfect, but they do their best to walk the talk, and I like having people in my life who are like that. I think it brings about intimacy at the deepest level. In my marriage, both of us agreed that trust was at the pinnacle, and I had a really good marriage for 19 years (my husband died or we would still be married).

Shar