Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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sunnyjax 08/22/2016

So its been 4 weeks. 4 weeks today in fact.Some days I think Ive got this....other days I think I just have no future. Im nearly 50 and this is my 4th Divorce. I just keep repeating the same old mistakes. How can I stop this cycle?

Most days I cry all day. For the silliest reason, in shops, in banks just sitting on the sofa....today I started crying in the library and the only thing I had to dry my eyes was a panty liner in my bag. Thats quite funny but I wish I could just stop.

I spoke to him today. I knew I shouldnt and I didnt mean to but we started a text conversation and he started saying horrible things, that I was a con woman and a liar because I told him I owed some money on a catalogue ( yup I bought things to make myself feel better sigh)....I rang him instead of texting and he said he 'felt better now hes got that all out and said his piece.' Im just left baffled and crying. He said I can come home but I have to do exactly what he says until I am back on my feet again. I can stay in a spare room but not with him as 'I am dead to him.' He says he 'cant afford to love me'.

Im so confused and dont understand. How can someone say they are the love of your life and then a week later say that.

I need to go NC but I am so lonely. My friends and daughter and parents are so fed up and cross with me that I cant just snap out of it. My parents just get cross, they have pretty much had nothing much to do with me since I left him and get angry when I discuss how I feel. My Mum just ignores it all and changes the subject, my Dad just gets angry and asks why are you like this, whats the matter with you? and shakes his fists.

I really need to move on. I will be better when I can go NC. I think a part of me always felt I still could go back but I know after the things he said today I can't. Im glad. Its less confusing that way. He made me feel there was hope then there wasnt. I just got confused even though I don't want to go back, I felt like he said I should, so I should.

I handled the break up badly. I should have had it out with him. I just left and didnt go back, it was still ongoing really. I should have said to him I was leaving as he has abused me for years and was violent. But instead I slunk off and let him be the one to say you cant come back. I messed that up. I should have taken ownership of that. I have put myself in 'victim' mode and its been unhealthy. But I was scared.

Thats the only regret I have really. I am hurting. And Im lonely in a new town with no job or friends. I think about not living, which isnt the same as wanting to die. I think how much less pain it would be. I think about finding a new guy but I know it isnt the answer. I need to find Me first. I think way too hard somedays.

AgentSmith 08/22/2016

I think you are really doing a great job Sunny. Leaving a psycho abuser is extremely difficult. He is trying to manipulate you. That's what they do. Don't even think about going back to that house. NC is hard but it's the only thing that works. I left an asshole last year and didn't go NC and we kept going back and forth, on and off, over and over. I finally went NC early this year and I feel 1000x better. He tried to contact me twice since then and I've ignored it. He's tried from other phone numbers to get through to me (knowing I block him everywhere). I ignore, delete, move on. Not worth it. You're so brainwashed at this point that you have no idea which way is up. I've been trying hard to meet new people (not in a dating sort of way but to build a new friend network) and it's helped me tremendously. I have friends that I go out with, out to dinner, out to fun things like boating, and I have fun and laugh. And in the past few months, since doing this, I don't even think about the asshole anymore. I used to dwell on it 24/7. Obsessing over how much I wanted to hurt him and how big of an asshole he was. Now I just don't care. I'm glad he's out of my life. I'm glad I moved on and didn't waste my life with him. I'm glad I'm meeting new people and I've started developing feelings for someone nice and together. We can't be in a relationship because of a few reasons (distance being a big one) but just the fact that I've been able to develop feelings for a normal man has made me feel better. I know now that I'm not destined to continue this pattern forever. There is hope. But you have to pry yourself out of that situation first. He's going to continue to try to regain control. You have to block him and surround yourself with supportive people. Go to a real life support group if you can find one. There should be groups for abuse victims.

sunnyjax 08/22/2016

I have to still deal with him while i sort out a new place to live, that should be sorted in a few weeks though. I really cant wait to be able to not have to deal with him. I have always cultivated friendships with my ex's but i know thats not healthy. And with him, im not going to do that.

artgrrl 08/23/2016

You gave and you gave. You hoped for the best. Ultimately, I think you did what all of us here have a tendency to do: give all of ourselves to people who have no capacity to love. They are good actors, though, at least for when it suits their purpose. But in their heart of hearts, they are compelled to be mean SOBs. At least that's been my experience. It seems that when I truly fall in love, or try to show my love, I give it fully. And unfortunately it's been mostly to people who lack the capacity to love me in the same way.

I think, too, that I find the "bad boy" exciting. There was a study done of women who tended to pine after men in jail. Yes, that's right--they were attracted to prison inmates--criminals. Now, that has never been my kink before, but I think that there is something to be learned from the findings. These women were quite smart and actually had a fair amount of self-esteem. They also found these men exciting. I think that it is similar to us--we find these vampires rather sexy, like a beast to be tamed. It is a challenge. Not for us are the safe and the solid, no, we like a bit of a chase of the heart. Ultimately, though, it is to our detriment. The addiction to the excitement ends up being addiction to the pain of their foul treatment of us (and anyone else--they're just assholes, they can't help it). Oh God, it's really a spell, Sunny, that we're put under when we're with them. Eventually the spell is broken, and they no longer look so appealing. But when they do, my goodness, it's the worst pain ever.

But here's the sticky wicket--we want them--desperately want them--to feel just SOME of the pain we've been feeling, but since they haven't a heart to begin with. Any of our vulnerabilities that they know about us will be used against us, and they will surely seek to destroy.

Some day you will see him as a pathetic, pitiful man, and more's the pity because you can change--become stronger, more resolved, but he's rooted in his lack of empathy. He will not change as he does not see the need for it. He hasn't the capacity to be self-aware.

I hope that for your sake of happiness you can avoid these people who leech your energy and build up your strength-base.

I just love what you wrote about the pantyliner, lol. You are such a beautiful soul, I can see that from across the ocean. Someday you are going to meet a man who will love you the way you are meant to be loved and you will be able to appreciate it. This break-up has been a long time in the coming. Don't give up! Happiness will be yours, you can do this xoxox

Sending you love and sunshine,

Artgrrl

ClearDay1 08/23/2016

Our patterns keep repeating themselves until we activity change them.

You say you've actively cultivated friendships with your ex's, that you think about looking for another guy...

Why does your universe revolve around men?

You have no friends you say. No life, no job.

Why is a man the answer to all your problems?

You need counseling, not another man. You'll only get better when you stop returning to your default which is to fill the void in your life with a man. Any man. Even if he's wrong for you. Like heroin, it's the only thing that makes you feel better. And so the pattern continues .

sunnyjax 08/23/2016

I hear you, i am doing things differently this time. I have always just felt lonely and filled the void with activity and men. I needed them to give my life structure and focus. That was my point. I see this, i feel it, i need to change it. But before i can change it i needed to realise what i did.
I am determined to do things differently now. I must.

sunnyjax 08/23/2016

Part of why men were the solution was because i didnt know who i was or how to fill that void. Being with a guy was an easy solution. Thats all i meant.
It may have been an easy solution but it doesnt mean i think its the right one, its a co-D solution, its the one i learnt.

sunnyjax 08/23/2016

Clearday1. The reason i have no life, no job and no friends is because i left him and am in a womens refuge hundreds of miles away from where i was a month ago.

ClearDay1 08/23/2016

Are you sure it's not because you made him your universe. The sun your world revolves around?

Many of us have done it. I'm just pointing it out because it's what im seeing /gleaning from your posts.

If I'm totally off base, I'm totally off base.

Just throwing it out there for your consideration.

artgrrl 08/23/2016

Sunny, one day at a time. You have been through a shit-storm this past year, these past years. Work on self-nurturing. As you put space between you and this unbalanced, toxic man, things will start coming together. You and I are not so different except that I started out later--I didn't have my first real relationship until i was 24--and now I'm in my third (toxic) relationship. I can see now that this has been a pattern. I suspect that it came from my origins--my father is narcissistic and controlling (though he has mellowed out in the past years); my mother very controlling--I lived in an environment where there was a high degree of religious control, as well. I can see that the basis was laid for me to naturally slip into a relationship with someone where I was exerting energy to either change that person or control them (both the same thing, I suppose). I hate conflict, always try to mollify the other person. This is another tendency that would draw narcissists or self-serving people to me, as I am fairly expert and avoiding conflict. In the process, however, I tend to erase my own needs.

I do not think that it is too late to develop new ways of relating to men or people. I am still learning. The fact that you have left him is MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR big. I was worried you never would--I, too, have been watching your posts throughout the years.

Be gentle with yourself.

xoxo

sunnyjax 08/24/2016

CLEARDAY i am not disagreeing with you. I am co-d , its what i do. I know that. Isnt it what being co-d is all about.
My life has always been about HIM whoever HE was at the time! I get that. And i am changing that.

And thank you Artgrll...xxxxxx

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