Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have left my fiance of eight years. She abused me both physically and mentally throughout that time. I left because Im at an age where I would like children and the thought of my children having to put up with the same problems that I and my partner both had to go through upsets me too much.
She is starting to get help for her borderline personality disorder which I am very happy about. I love her and miss her.
Over the last couple of days I have evaluated my life and what I want from it. I have come to understand that I am co-dependant and passive-aggressive. I thought I was being strong but now I realise I was very weak. I have fallen. Im 29 and have cried more in the last few days then my entire life. I picture myself as a little boy. The boy is asking me why I have let people treat him like this? Why have I done nothing to help him? The boy was defenceless to abuse when he was little but now he's big and yet I never stood up for him. I never loved him. I never loved myself.
Im crying so much writing this but it feels like I can begin living now that Im no longer in denial about my behaviour.
I was thinking about running and dealing with my problems in some far of land. I've done it time and time before. I've been to so many countries that ive had to get new passports as all my sheets have been full of visa stamps. I was about to admit that I was on my own again and then this morning I said no. Why should I be alone while I deal with this?
I am going to see a therapist, start going to meetings and hopefully become an active member of this forum.
My question is when does it get better? I know everyone is different but I want to hear your personal stories about when you really started to see change in your behaviour and thoughts? How much effort was involved? Does it get better? Is it for life?
Thanking you if you had the time to read this.
She is starting to get help for her borderline personality disorder which I am very happy about. I love her and miss her.
Over the last couple of days I have evaluated my life and what I want from it. I have come to understand that I am co-dependant and passive-aggressive. I thought I was being strong but now I realise I was very weak. I have fallen. Im 29 and have cried more in the last few days then my entire life. I picture myself as a little boy. The boy is asking me why I have let people treat him like this? Why have I done nothing to help him? The boy was defenceless to abuse when he was little but now he's big and yet I never stood up for him. I never loved him. I never loved myself.
Im crying so much writing this but it feels like I can begin living now that Im no longer in denial about my behaviour.
I was thinking about running and dealing with my problems in some far of land. I've done it time and time before. I've been to so many countries that ive had to get new passports as all my sheets have been full of visa stamps. I was about to admit that I was on my own again and then this morning I said no. Why should I be alone while I deal with this?
I am going to see a therapist, start going to meetings and hopefully become an active member of this forum.
My question is when does it get better? I know everyone is different but I want to hear your personal stories about when you really started to see change in your behaviour and thoughts? How much effort was involved? Does it get better? Is it for life?
Thanking you if you had the time to read this.
I've only known about codependency for a few months so I can't answer all your questions, but I can say, I've been searching for answers about myself and am very grateful to have finally found many of them. I saw changes in my behavior within a few weeks but after a few months, my self-esteem is only marginal better. The positive/hopeful note is that since I know where my weaknesses are, I finally know where to focus my energy. Before it was always - don't get too close to people or I may lose my temper and focusing on not losing my temper so no one sees how "unworthy" I am. Now I focus my energy on what I'm feeling and looking to see if my boundaries are impaired or if I'm looking for other-esteem (as it will take time to re-wire my brain and only depend on myself for self-esteem). I'm in the reading and learning phase of all this and what I've read is that it usually takes a couple years but everyone is different since we are each so unique. It just takes however long it takes I guess.
I attend support group meetings and people always laugh about the statement "I'm happy/grateful to be here" because no one wants to be a codependent or do all this inner personal work because it's hard. But I really am happy (and grateful) to finally feel like I have guidance and answers on where to put my energy so I can change for the better. Before now it was all based on guessing.
I hope that helps answer some of your questions. And of course that's just me, everyone's journey looks different, no doubt.
Good luck!
What I would say is that I find it starts getting better almost instantly and that the improvements are so stimulating that it still keeps motivating me onward.
Of course we have to actually do the recovery work and we have to do it our self and for our self because it does not happen until we actually start doing it.
You ask = Is it for life? so I answer that yes it is for a better life and a lifelong better life, so yes the recovery work goes on forever and that long time is what makes the recovery to become so powerful.
IMO, the key to everything circles around our boundaries.
Link = http://codependentboundaries.blogspot.com/2008/08/personal-boundaries-laura-busch.html
A different view of boundaries here:
Link = http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html
Just some of my opinions of course.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know that pain too well.
I've been in recovery for 3 years and would strongly agree that everyone's process is different. When it was bought to my attention that I was wildly codependent, I was told to run, not walk, to my nearest book store and buy "Codependent No More". I also began attending CoDA and haven't stopped. I am now a sponsor too which is an awesome experience.
It immediately started getting better when I realized that I wasn't alone. We codependents tend to think that we're the only one experiencing our self defeating behaviors and EVERYONE else is "normal". So wrong.
In terms of effort, as with life, you get out of it what you put into it. It was and still is my experience that immersing myself in the recovery process.keeps me connected to myself and my goals. Don't get me wrong...I'm not hardcore or even militant. I just know that staying connected to myself is always better than not.
I've have quite a library of wonderful books on the topic. I would really recommend buying Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you're feeling a little fragile, I would advise to you avoid Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody until you've got a little more recovery. Homecoming by John Bradshaw is a stellar book and an easy read. It really gets to the heart of what happened to us in the first place that created our survival behavior. I find it really helps me to understand why things happen...
It does get better. Hang on and know that there will be better days. Start going to CoDA meetings or online meetings and get yourself a sponsor.
For the majority of people, it is for life. What I've learned from my meetings and books is how to manage my codependent behavior. Change takes time.It begins with awareness. Codependent behavior is SO engrained in us so be patient and know that you have us.
Hope this helps.
I will look online for the book codependant no more, Thank you for suggesting that book.
I will have a look at the links also. I don't really know where to start with boundaries. Ive never even thought about them. Ive just been going along with pretty much anything my whole life.
Im looking forward to a better life.
Its very encouraging that you have all realised what you need to do to have a better life and that you are all looking after yourselves.
Its a lot to take in but im finding it very rewarding at the moment. Its great that you are all talking openly about it.
In order to change, we need to do the work to change. Meetings, Sponsor, Steps, Higher Power & Help Others.
The rewards far exceed the time commitment. It really has become a way of like.
Starting off with just acknowledgment that I TOTALLY get where you are. If you want to make friends and read my journal posts from when I first joined last March, you will see some of my "rainbow" of feelings.....some days in the beginning it literally felt as though I was coming off heroin or something. As if that realization was almost like admitting I was addicted to something....but the addiction was to 'fooling myself'....uggh what a terrible moment.....
For me my journey so far has been a major tear down to the foundation and now learning to how to rebuild a better, no BS version of myself, it hurt/hurts SOOOOO BAD and it is the most beautiful experience all rolled into one. I literally feel like I have reinvented (if only I started when I was 29 like you....damn I would give anything for that nugget!!) Getting down to the gritty bits of my soul and getting really really honest about it all...and it was a doosey. I went pretty dark there for a couple months, I did a lot of days at home alone because I was really concerned about how i was going to react to people or how I was going to feel about things....and I unfortunately suffer from perfectionist syndrome so i was beating on myself pretty hard for not being "perfect" anymore.
But then a day came where the sun came up again....I turned a page, I woke up with a new found sense of things......I found my voice and I am learning how to use it (sometimes I look like a baby deer just coming out of the womb all wobble-y), I am learning about how to do things to build self esteem, I am learning how to create boundaries and say "NO" and not take on things that aren't mine......and the biggy...dealing with confrontation in the moment and being present with my feelings in the moment....THAT IS HUGE.
Is this for life. YUP. And guess what.....it is going to be the biggest gift you have ever given yourself......YOU!
Just know this, you are not alone....and this journey you are on the brink of embarking on.......you will and can survive :)
Take care of you....take some deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed....and do something nice for yourself as a reward for doing the hardest part...admitting there is a problem.
Take care and again Welcome!! xxoo
I have started to use my inner voice. I am also trying to combat my passive aggressive behaviour. I try and say the things I want to say now and my voice comes out all deep and wobbly as if I have come from another planet and never spoken before!
The analogy you use with the deer hit a chord with me. I could almost feel something building up inside of me last year but I had no idea what was going to happen. Now I feel I have been born and I can start living again.
"For me, for quite sometime, the idea of a sober existence was my fuel and my purpose. I dare say it dominated my consciousness. But then I had to acknowledge one day that, for me, sobriety was a struggle, not a state of being. A sense of closure would never come. Accepting that moment was as difficult as arriving at it.".....
Your journey out of codependency is a gradual process in which you get better and better over a period of time, but I personally don't believe there is a "finish line" where you stop and have no farther to go.
I have been gratefully recovering from codependency for a few years now, and I assure you that you WILL get better if you stay committed to your recovery and continue to search for answers. I'm not sure how it is for other people, but I can give you a bit of my history to see if it resonates with you and tell you what's helped me. I believe my relationships with narcissistic men have resulted from having a covertly narcissistic mother. She was a "nice" mother on the outside, but she was a monster at home, and my sister, father, and I were prone to rage attacks, wrath, and other forms of abuse.
In 2012, I left my N husband who I also believe has Antisocial Personality Disorder, and even though I had the strength to leave that relationship, I immediately rolled over and got into a relationship with another narcissist. Then another one. I was so miserable after the last break up that I really started searching for answers. I partnered with a talented dating coach and therapist and learned what was normal behavior in a potential partner. This made me much more effective at dating.
But from an emotional standpoint, I didn't get better until I realized that all my ex's were narcissists. As I read about NPD, I had many, many ah-ha moments. I began to realize that I was a good and loving woman who deserves a good and loving man. And then all of a sudden, the narcissists I was meeting through online dating sites didn't have a hold on me anymore. I began to recognize the signs early in the dating process. And with regard to my last ex who I was REALLY hung up on after the relationship ended -- once I realized he was a narcissist, I was completely over him. No kidding -- it happened that suddenly. It was as if I switched on the light and saw things clearly for the first time. I understood that there was nothing I could have done to save the relationship. And believe me, I really beat myself up after it ended, saying things to myself like, I shouldn't have said this or that or whatever, I should have handled this differently. As if the entire responsibility for the relationship laid on my shoulders alone. It didn't. It takes two to tango.
I started researching / reading about narcissism this past summer and am beginning to see that my relationships with N male partners were an unconscious attempt to resolve the abuse I experienced as a child. And now that I see the connection, I am doing much better. I still have to learn how to set boundaries with my mom and at work, but I'm gradually getting there.
I will also say this -- for a recovering codependent who is trying to get over an ex, the only way to do it is through no contact. That means no texting, no taking their calls, no cyber stalking. You have to withdraw from your ex completely, as if you are going cold turkey off drugs. If there are children involved, that's a trickier situation, but if you don't have kids with your ex, you cannot talk to her, even though you love and miss her.
I still miss my ex husband b/c he is one of the few people who knew a side to my mom no one else knew, one of the few people who didn't make me feel like I was crazy, and sometimes I feel like I need that from him but I know that if I reach out, the whole cycle of abuse will start all over again.
Good luck, and keep us posted on your recovery. Avoid the attempt to run off to another country if you can... if you can stay with the pain and face it and deal with it, I truly believe it will be worth it for you in the end. As a starting point, I recommend Ross Rosenberg's The Human Magnet Syndrome, with some reservations. It's a good starting point, but Dr. Ross responded defensively to 1-star reviews of his book on Amazon. Not a real mature attitude, but the info in the book was good for me. I hope it helps you, too.