Breaking away is never easy. I did this with my ex for 3 years. I wish I made a clean break early on because an ending was inevitable. It is easier to give up cigarettes because a fag won't chase you saying come back I will clean up. This is the dilemma with some break ups. Don't beat yourself up, you have the insight to know to leave, the break up will follow when you are ready.

Don't feel bad. Like CoraIL said, this is the hardest addiction to break.

Hitting rock bottom is different for everyone. I played these games with my first bf for 7 yrs. Every time I tried to leave he would plead and beg and cry (fake). All of a sudden he was capable of cleaning up around the house and having candlelit dinners set when I came home from work. It lasted 2 days, like yours, then back to being a lazy liar who avoided me like the plague. It turned into a hate relationship slowly over the years. I couldn't stand him anymore. Resented him for all the lies he'd told. Gave up on trying to fix him. Finally left for good.

Then ended up w/ an abusive psychopath. I tried to fix him as well but he's a psychopath and there's no fixing that. So it didn't take me that long to get out of that situation. Few months.

Then the recent one, who I thought was "the one". He's been the hardest to let go. I didn't really wait till I hit the bottom because I knew for my health I had to get away from him. He did everything to hurt me. He hurt me more than anyone and I couldn't bare the pain anymore. It's so hard with him b/c the feelings haven't gone or faded yet. And I still have to see him around work. It's been 6 wks without contact and whenever there's a major event (like our building catching on fire yesterday and a full evacuation -major chaotic mess), he's the first one I think about, the first one I want to call. He's out of state so I didn't have to worry about him, but if he was here, I would have been worried sick about him and looking for him and probably wouldn't have ran to him and hugged him (major major relapse) if I had seen him.

Anyway, I rambled on a bit but you get the picture. It's extremely hard to get away. But I read "relapse is part of recovery". Don't feel bad about it. Just know that it gets easier each time. I vowed never to go back to this one over and over before I finally was able to get away for this long.

For me it was when I knew in my heart that I had done all I could to save my marriage and I could not do anymore.

At that point realised things would never change no matter how hard I tried and I just could not see a future for us.

I loved my husband beyond words (even though he abused me terribly) but I had no choice but to walk away to save myself (I was self harming, totally broken down and contemplating committing suicide). It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do as I would never have imagined me ever leaving him but I realised that he is no good for me and as much as I love him, he is an abuser and I have to protect myself and have cut all contact with him.

What's tough is that when the manipulative partner truly believes s/he is going to change. I think they generally believe that & that's why it's easier for us to fall into the trap again.

Magenta, what is the worst that could happen if you DON'T return to this guy? Is he dangerous? Would he turn his attention to someone who will put up with his tantrums?

~C

I hit bottem when I couldn't go forward and I couldn't go back. I was forced to admit to myself that I failed to control the circumstances and succeed at changing him into something close to what I could live with. There just was NOTHING left I could do.

When you get sick and tired of living a life full of misery and want something better for yourself, then we change.

I hit rock bottom every time he says that he doesn't want to hurt me and that he only wants me and then turns around and has to get close to other women and share with them on an intimate level and says he only needs "her for support for what he's going through because "she" understands his specific issues because she's gone through it and I haven't. He says that it has nothing to do with attraction, a need for unquenchable female attention . Inevitablly I feel like trash, and let myself be treated like trash. But like you, with flowers, and wining and dining I go back to him. Even though I'm just waiting for the next incident. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. But then he probably will. Everytime this happens I push him away. He begs me to go back or when he turns away from me I have to run back into his arms.

Rock bottom is different for each person. It is the point when you realise something is definitely wrong in your life, and that something is making it unbearable. It could be drastic, or it could be only personally alarming. But the key is that you have to realise it simply cannot continue going on the way it is.

I my case, my memory switched off from too much stress. I was unemployed, because I had simply forgotten how to find my way to my job. But before that happened I kept making more and more mistakes at work, then I starting forgetting the names of my friends, and I would watch a film on television, and not remember who was in it, or even what it was about. I forgot to close the door to my house, or my car. I would drive my car and forget where I wanted to go. I was at the supermarket and it would last hours, because I was in front of the noodle shelf, and could find the noodles. I think you get the idea....

My body really decided I had had enough and hit rock bottom, long before my mind did, for which I am eternally grateful for. I was put in a mental clinic for 6 weeks for burn-out syndrom, when in reality it was from the late-life effects of trying to be a good sport all the time, and never having the ability to tell people to go f+++ themselves, when any other normal person would.

Rock bottom, is when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Awesome posts in this thread!

For me, rock bottom has always been when the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing.

Peace and blessings,

Wendy~

Get far away! I had to do that. My ex was a con-artist. For 5 years I was under his spell. He ruined me financially, abused me physically, and stole those years of my life that could have been more productive. And I still loved him? I had to get away to realize how bad it was, since I was under a sort of spell.

I think we're done when we're done. We don't have to wait for a low bottom. I spent a year of back and forth before I finally split with my ex bf - it was over a deception he didn't beleive was a lie.

The boyfriend prior, the bottom was when he turned from pot to crack. But I stayed alternately. It had already been so bad with abuse. It was so bad.

My two favorite books, among many, are by Greg Behrendt "He's just not that into you" and "It's called a breakup because it's broken". They were empowering and confidence building and helpful and comforting.

Counseling helped, but like I said, it still took a year. Al Anon helped too.

It's a cycle. We become more isolated as we treat ourselves poorly by staying in an unhealthy situation. We have to get rid of the toxic relationship to give love to ourselves - it's one or the other, and we can't change the guy - oh yeah, he'll say he'll change, but even with years of counseling, it's no likely. He's just saying he'll change to get a reaction, not because he's willing to do the work (my opinion). They can't change on their own! This is major stuff.

As Wendy said,when the pain of not changing becomes stronger than the pain of changing.For me,it was when I found myself completely alone,not lacking anyone's physical presence,but alone with having no love in my life,noone to count on ,not even myself.I had nothing inside,or so I felt.and the only emotion I felt was disgust,to everything else I was numb.I had given all that I had to everyone around me for so long,and compromised my own thoughts,needs, feelings,beliefs,and standards to the point where I had absolutely nothing left.I didn't know how I felt or who I was,and was miserable.I wanted to live.

Magenta,I bet everyone here has done things that would be embarrassing to admit.I have.I personally will support you wherever you are at.We have all done or do things like this,that's why we are here.That took a lot of courage,and I encourage you to keep talking.I am not here to judge,and I doubt that anyone else is either.Take care-Jen

Dont be ashamed on here sweet, feel what you feel regardless, I guess rock bottom is when you decide you just cant take anymore and the few good times are no longer worth the pain of the bad stuff...........we are always here for you and will never judge......so say it like it is.........thats what ds is all about......to me anyway.......hang in there, you will know when you are ready x and by the way codependency is all about finding it so hard to let go.......so try to be kind and patient with yourself, I have been there believe me xx

It may not affect you like it did me, but I was finally able to let him go after watching this clip :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqDU6CPwy6Q