Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
This is a good friend of mine who asked me to go out to a club/ bar last night and I didnt feel like going so asked how important it was for her.... She went all bizarre on me that she brought up things from past... At the
end of it I didn't even respond....what do u make of these text messages
Last week there was incident in gym where she was making me do things unasked for so I told her not to tell me how/what to do.I can only do so much. she asked me not to talk abt it.so I expressed my feelings to another friend.
Coming to an article abt pregnancy weight.....since I was active with workouts with trainer and lots of research I found an article thought it might help her ..she came back and asked me to not to send any fitness articles. I appologised abt it and never sent any.I thought that topic was closed didn't realise she was carrying that still.
These are text messages exchanged between my friend last night
ME: Just don't feel like going .... I will go depending how much u want to go out
Friend: Oh
I don't want to force u.
If u don't wanna go then cancel
Both ppl should wanna go
ME: No force.... Tell me how important this is for u on a scale of 10
Friend: Not just bcoz I wanna go
Me: cmon dear tell me
Friend: important I don't know
Doesn't matter
Just cancel it. I don't want any favors. Have a good night
Me: OMG. It's not favor. I just want to know how much u want to do this.
Friend: I dont know. Dont worry about it
Me: sorry. Legs seem to hurt a bit from todays trainers workout.
Friend: Just do whatever u want
Why u sorry
U do as u wish as usual
U clearly don't give a shit about anyone else
Me: that's not true, i asked u
Friend: whatever man. All u do is cancel on me all the time.
Me: tell me when I cancelled on u.
Friend: asked me what?? That u will go if I wanna
Me: why are u fighting with me
Friend: thanks for that
Superbowl
U were bitch at the gym. I mean come on.
Me: yes I expressed my feelings
Friend: its bcoz I don't say anything to u
Me: doesn't mean I made a decision
Friend: I listen to all ur BS. I am sick of it. It's like one sided friendship here.
Me: friend you are insulting me now.
Friend: whatever. Go do wtvr u want. U clearly dont give a shut about me.
Me: goodnight friend
Friend: we planned this a week ago. A WEEK AGO.
Yes I am. Because u have been doing that for so long now and I dont say anything to u because u can't handle it.
U mention ur innerchild stuff all the time.
I can't have one conversation with u without u mentioning ur therapist.
U talk about u not liking people talking about you behind ur back. What were u doing at other friends salon with me then? Weren't u talking about me?
Is that all ok for u but not others.
Me: if had a problem with me why do u think u shuld hang with me?
Friend: I swear I tell u how to do one exercise properly and u get pissed off at me. Like seriously!!!! All u do is talk about ur trainer and send me articles. Like really!!
How to lose baby weight !!! Seriously!! Don't u think that's offensive???
Clearly its fuckin mistake!!! Ur good for nothing!! Not even a night out!!
All u care is about yourself!!! Trust me....u should talk to ur therapist about that!!!! How not to be selfish!!!
And by the way I don't see ur muscles!!!
I don't see a change
I just see u getting full of urself!!! That's what I see!!! A selfish bitch!
And a hypocrite!
And if u wanna talk about me to the other friend ur better off just forwarding all the messages!!! Then u will get the story correct!!!
GN
And yes I was looking to go out with a friend but clearly u dont qualify anymore!!!!!
end of it I didn't even respond....what do u make of these text messages
Last week there was incident in gym where she was making me do things unasked for so I told her not to tell me how/what to do.I can only do so much. she asked me not to talk abt it.so I expressed my feelings to another friend.
Coming to an article abt pregnancy weight.....since I was active with workouts with trainer and lots of research I found an article thought it might help her ..she came back and asked me to not to send any fitness articles. I appologised abt it and never sent any.I thought that topic was closed didn't realise she was carrying that still.
These are text messages exchanged between my friend last night
ME: Just don't feel like going .... I will go depending how much u want to go out
Friend: Oh
I don't want to force u.
If u don't wanna go then cancel
Both ppl should wanna go
ME: No force.... Tell me how important this is for u on a scale of 10
Friend: Not just bcoz I wanna go
Me: cmon dear tell me
Friend: important I don't know
Doesn't matter
Just cancel it. I don't want any favors. Have a good night
Me: OMG. It's not favor. I just want to know how much u want to do this.
Friend: I dont know. Dont worry about it
Me: sorry. Legs seem to hurt a bit from todays trainers workout.
Friend: Just do whatever u want
Why u sorry
U do as u wish as usual
U clearly don't give a shit about anyone else
Me: that's not true, i asked u
Friend: whatever man. All u do is cancel on me all the time.
Me: tell me when I cancelled on u.
Friend: asked me what?? That u will go if I wanna
Me: why are u fighting with me
Friend: thanks for that
Superbowl
U were bitch at the gym. I mean come on.
Me: yes I expressed my feelings
Friend: its bcoz I don't say anything to u
Me: doesn't mean I made a decision
Friend: I listen to all ur BS. I am sick of it. It's like one sided friendship here.
Me: friend you are insulting me now.
Friend: whatever. Go do wtvr u want. U clearly dont give a shut about me.
Me: goodnight friend
Friend: we planned this a week ago. A WEEK AGO.
Yes I am. Because u have been doing that for so long now and I dont say anything to u because u can't handle it.
U mention ur innerchild stuff all the time.
I can't have one conversation with u without u mentioning ur therapist.
U talk about u not liking people talking about you behind ur back. What were u doing at other friends salon with me then? Weren't u talking about me?
Is that all ok for u but not others.
Me: if had a problem with me why do u think u shuld hang with me?
Friend: I swear I tell u how to do one exercise properly and u get pissed off at me. Like seriously!!!! All u do is talk about ur trainer and send me articles. Like really!!
How to lose baby weight !!! Seriously!! Don't u think that's offensive???
Clearly its fuckin mistake!!! Ur good for nothing!! Not even a night out!!
All u care is about yourself!!! Trust me....u should talk to ur therapist about that!!!! How not to be selfish!!!
And by the way I don't see ur muscles!!!
I don't see a change
I just see u getting full of urself!!! That's what I see!!! A selfish bitch!
And a hypocrite!
And if u wanna talk about me to the other friend ur better off just forwarding all the messages!!! Then u will get the story correct!!!
GN
And yes I was looking to go out with a friend but clearly u dont qualify anymore!!!!!
I simply can not imagine anyone asking me " how much u want to go out " and then to put it onto a scale of 10.
What that appears to be - IMO - is that you are asking as if you are the parent talking to the child (your friend) and she rightly resented that.
This perception is explained in the book "I'm Okay Your Okay" .
You were speaking to her as in = I'm OK, You're Not OK. (You ok - she not ok).
Another way of referring to codependency is called = "over mothering", as in you taking to your friend as if you are her mother speaking down to her as if she were the child, as in how much does she really want that cookie, or in this case how much does she really want to go to the gym.
Such things make us to feel like we are in control and that we are taking control but by asking her to explain her self to you was thereby violating her boundary / her space, because she asked you to go to the gym and you turned it into a decision about her instead of your own decision.
You simply went too far, and that "too far" is what is meant by violating her boundary.
Just my opinion based on my own experience and understanding.
My therapist recommended once that if u dont feel like doing things with ur good friends instead of just saying simple no ask how much it means to them and based on tht make a decision, i think thats what i did.
I felt nobody had right to insult other person even when their violate others boundaries... i disagree with what u said here... nobody has right to look down on any one ....when i asked her how much it means to her i wasent insulting her or looking down on her.
Also i think you did not understand the conversation....it was not the gym, she was asking me to a dance club.
Well, here is not a surprise. I have a completely different take on this than Booky.
I do not think that your question was offensive, controlling or a put-down. I would not have interpreted it that way, if a friend asked me how important it was to me to go, if that friend did not want to.
I think what you were trying to convey, is that you did not wish to go, but you would reconsider if this was very important to her. So, you wanted communication from her about how important it was to her. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.
Rather than just saying "no," you were trying to get her feelings about it, to take that into consideration. I think that is a good step toward compromise, actually.
Hugs,
Shar
It would matter if the request was for some thing truly important like a trip to the Hospital or to an important appointment or going to a scheduled event like a day in Court or to a Doctor or such as that.
It also makes a big difference for a Therapist to ask "how much it means" or ask for a scale of 10, because a Therapist is like a parent asking a subordinate which does NOT work well with a friend.
As in the Therapist is ok and the patient is not ok - which does not work between friends.
Very many if not most Therapist have very little understanding of Codependency, and many Therapist do not even view Codependency as a real condition, and your Therapist might be better in many ways, but that was not the best advice to give you.
You can make the stand that she had no right to throw insults after you violated her boundary, but that really is a common thing for most people to do when they feel violated.
Since you started it (even under Therapist orders) then I say you need to forgive her improper reactions to your violation.
But that is just my opinion.
We have the individual right to say "no" to going out when we really aren't up to it or don't want to go or to ask how important it is so that we can make a decision if it is important enough to change our mind and go even though we are not up to it. We are not controlled by others and we make our own decisions. I am pleased that Daystar handled this so well and did not show codependency.
I think that asking how much a friend wants to go out on a scale of 1 to 10 is a great idea, and that also comes from a licensed professional and not someone on a board running women down.
I support Daystar and felt she did well in handling the situation and she violated no boundaries. I am proud of how she handled this situation.
If you or anyone asked that of me or of others on this board then we would NOT have reacted so negatively as did that friend, because my own boundaries would have accepted the questions but the friend did not.
I have one of my brothers who gets upset at most questioning of him, and so I know it is his boundary (or his wall) and so after many years I decided to press him on such things whether he liked it or not, because his boundaries were not healthy for our brotherly relationship.
Sometimes - IMO - it is okay and even right to violate the wrongful boundaries of others, but that needs to be done carefully.
Once the friend said that she did not like the questioning of "how much u want to go out " and then to put it onto a scale of 10" then maybe "daystar" wanted to violate that boundary as she knows her friend better that I.
The friend started calling names and being hostile as a direct response, and it is very common for people to become defensive and to strike out.
Some people we can choose to do that, and other people we choose NOT to do such things, and for some other people it does not matter as they deal with it.
There are few absolute boundaries where the boundary fits all people all the time, as every person has some different kinds and different competency levels of boundaries.
That friend simply is not up to the same level as is "daystar" and that is why it failed to work out better.
Just my perspective on the subject.
Peace.
But now am re-thinking and re-evaluating this relationship with her. I do not want to be in a relationship where she acts out and then apologies and then same thing again and again.
This time it was difficult for me - there was too much clash between my ego and my true self although i havent shown it to her. It was tough being me in my head.
Would it have been different if i just said NO. No .. I dealt with similar situation before. I cant be around a person who hates herself so much and projects it out onto others. She is what she is and she needs to deal with it.
Every time she asks me out and i say NO this seems to be the scenario. I cant be driven by Fear anymore. I know what to do about this stay out of this drama cycle.
I rather stay around people who appreciate me then who show their resentments when they are rejected.
Definitely boundaries boundaries and boundaries with this friend incase i want to be her friend. For now i need my space.
When you go a Therapist / counselor and you start getting healthier then your entire world turns upside down - as the old goes out when the new comes in.
It is an odd but cool phenomenon within treating codependency, in that we start off as rejects and door mats, but then end up as King of our mountain or Queen of our domain, because most other people are not getting better as they remain in their own assorted types of dysfunctions.
It is very hard to find other healthy functional people to have as friends, so we simply have to tolerate the less healthy and less functional as a real part of recovery.
And no its not hard to find other healthy functional people. I strongly believe what i seek i will find. :-)