Hi there, I left you a note in your previous post. Yes, they are narcissists.

Are you in a relationship now? If so, what you can do is to read up on narcissism and techniques for no longer accepting (and taking seriously) ridicule and put-downs. No one deserves you sacrificing your happiness. And care taking is for parents of children or for the elderly. Preferably if your mate is elderly, you'll find professionals to help. Or, if you love doing it, get paid for it and keep it out of your relationships.

artgrrl, thank you. I think I already knew that, but I have a hard time trusting my judgement. Because while I know they are self righteous, I want to be accountable for my end of the dysfunction. And I wonder/believe that maybe if I was just more secure if these problems would ever even come up.

rainbow69
I am in a sexual relationship with an ex. He is fine with having no strings attached sex with me, but does not want to be with me for reasons that honestly are understandable to me, but if he wasn't a narcissist he would probably be willing to work out. Maybe caretaking isn't the right word per-say. Because this guy is able to take care of himself, although that has not been the case in previous relationships of mine. I definitely have played mommy. In this case I guess it's kind of me impulsively trying to caretake the emotional well being of the relationship, and impulsively trying to get him to open up to me. I know having sex with him isn't helping. I guess it just kind of eases the discord in me over being rejected as a whole.

Having sex is the easy part. Believe it or not, you can have sex with anyone, and practically everyone would agree to casual sex.

If he is a narcissist and is rejecting you or closing himself off while you take on the burden of the emotions involved in a sexual relationship, then I don't see a reason to continue. His rejection does not matter as much as your acceptance and love of yourself. If you let him go, then you can be open to others that will share in your acceptance and love.

I read that narcissists and empaths are attracted to each other like moths to a flame, but it's always the empath that gets burnt.

FYI, I am dating a wonderful man now that sees my dysfunction and insecurities, but doesn't take advantage of them. Narcissists twist it around and try to make us feel bad for who we are so that they can control their world. It doesn't have to be this way, and it's not due to you being flawed.

Of course, look at your own issues and see what you can do to improve. But not just because someone says they require it of you or that you are the cause of any conflicts.

You're right. Sex is the easy part. And his rejection doesn't matter as much as my love for myself. What I am struggling with is knowing what that looks like. As I am making efforts to move out of this pattern of mine I'm realizing that I don't really know how to take care of my own needs. Which I guess would be like taking care of another person, which I have done plenty of. But it's hard, and pretty shameful, because really it shouldn't be. I also struggle with internalizing that rejection is not the end-all be-all of my character. And trusting my own judgement. I have put myself at liberty of gaslighting so much. Since childhood, my mother's mantra about me was "oh, you're just too sensitive". So I learned not to trust my feelings, wants and needs, and am now trying to learn to trust them. My dad re-married a wonderful woman, who is frequently telling me "trust your intuition", and I want to be able to do that.
Anyways, i'm just babbling now. I'm really grateful to have found a safe place to talk about this stuff, and really appreciate the responses that I have gotten.
Congratulations for finding a man who accepts you for who you are. That is beautiful, and inspiring. Hearing that reminds me that I don't have to be perfect to be loved, and it is possible to be vulnerable and have that be kindly accepted.

I really enjoyed reading this thread, hearing both the perspectives of you two. Rainbow69, it's encouraging to hear that you are in a healthy relationship.

Hashinka, it sounds like you are on the right track in taking steps to finding out how to fix this situation in your life. Sometimes it can seem like one step forward two steps back (speaking from experience) but the point is that at least we are focusing on it.

Dailystrength has truly been my daily-strength. Even just writing in journals has helped me reflect and figure out strategies. Sometimes I'll go through a rough patch, but that's life, too. The main point is to keep trying and to learn to love oneself, be oneself' own parent, in a way.

Well, if it's good at first and at the end it's you sacrificing yourself for the sake of the other, it's just a lack of boundaries, which are really useful, if used consistently. That's your control over yourself and what you will and will not tolerate. Even a narcissist couldn't get to you, if you know what you could and couldn't tolerate. Look within first. Other's really don't have that power over you, unless you let them.

Thank you all.
Yes, sometimes it does feel like two steps forward, one step back. But actually I feel like I am beginning to make some progress with the ways that I view and carry myself. I have to frequently remind myself to be patient, and that what ails me today will be a thing of the past tomorrow.
Today was a particularly hard day for me. My lack of boundaries are certainly a major culprit in the toxic cycles that I find myself swirling in. Maybe even the cause, because I don't really have any. Many a time I have thought to myself "this is abusive" "that was f*&%$ed up" "I should leave" "I don't deserve that", and I guess kind of ignore myself and stay. Fear of being alone/unwanted.

hi Hashinka, what is it that you have found helpful in your progress? I ask because I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you've written.

Maybe a mixture of both.