Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi, I'm new here. I started posting on another support group about my husbands drinking which has been a problem in our relationship for 11 years now. Someone in the support group told me I should read a book called Codependency No More. I looked up codependency and don't know if that applies to me exactly. The definition is confusing to me. I hope that I can get some insight here as to what it means to be codependent.
As far as my story goes, I've been married for 9 years. My husband has always drank and smoked weed alot. I didn't mind it because he lived overseas and I thought that's just drinking alot was part of his British culture. However, once I moved in with him in England I realized I was not happy with this guy! But I was already 2 months pregnant. So, for my child's sake I left him and came back to the states. Even though he never changed and continued to make promises he didn't keep I let him come live with me in America. Despite my better judgement I felt bad for him. He had lost his son in a previous relationship which led him to drink and live the life he did. I also didn't want to be a single mother and wanted more than anything for my child to have a chance to know her father. So, he came, we married, and it's been hell ever since.
Hell for me has been running around after him and begging him to cut down on his drinking, to stop talking to other women, to get up before 1:00 in the afternoon and go to bed with me at night. This had been our non-stop argument for the first 7 years of our marriage. It was horrible. I can't even being to describe the disappointment, resentment and anger I experienced. I put up with all of it for my daughter and our son who we had 5 years ago.
In the last 2 years we have learned to just stop talking and function around one another. There is no intimacy, love, affection, playfulness. It's all business and practical. We can be kind and nice, but he tolerates me just as I tolerate him for the kids. He refuses to divorce me. I beg, but on this inside I'm terrified to hurt my children. I hurt inside all the time. I wake up and go to bed sad. My only joy's are my children. He loves them and they love him. But I hurt so much from all the drinking, lies, and let downs over the years. I continue to stay. I continue to be doubtful who's at fault. I continue to monitor his drinking and fret over his consumption. He says he loves me but his actions do not show it. And I really do not love him anymore.
I don't know it is I feel anymore or why I am unable to leave. Am I really so afraid I can't make it? I am mostly fearful my kids will hate me. They do not see him as I do. How could they? But he insults me in front of them. He is rude and unkind to me in front of them. He is so selfish and uncaring to me in front of them. How is this good for them? I'm always full of doubt. I feel somehow I could try harder. I always feel if I could just control my emotions and reactions to what he doe's to me I could save my children the pain of a divorce. Is this codependency? If so, where do I begin to set my head straight so I can start caring about myself more?
Thanks for listening and for any responses!
As far as my story goes, I've been married for 9 years. My husband has always drank and smoked weed alot. I didn't mind it because he lived overseas and I thought that's just drinking alot was part of his British culture. However, once I moved in with him in England I realized I was not happy with this guy! But I was already 2 months pregnant. So, for my child's sake I left him and came back to the states. Even though he never changed and continued to make promises he didn't keep I let him come live with me in America. Despite my better judgement I felt bad for him. He had lost his son in a previous relationship which led him to drink and live the life he did. I also didn't want to be a single mother and wanted more than anything for my child to have a chance to know her father. So, he came, we married, and it's been hell ever since.
Hell for me has been running around after him and begging him to cut down on his drinking, to stop talking to other women, to get up before 1:00 in the afternoon and go to bed with me at night. This had been our non-stop argument for the first 7 years of our marriage. It was horrible. I can't even being to describe the disappointment, resentment and anger I experienced. I put up with all of it for my daughter and our son who we had 5 years ago.
In the last 2 years we have learned to just stop talking and function around one another. There is no intimacy, love, affection, playfulness. It's all business and practical. We can be kind and nice, but he tolerates me just as I tolerate him for the kids. He refuses to divorce me. I beg, but on this inside I'm terrified to hurt my children. I hurt inside all the time. I wake up and go to bed sad. My only joy's are my children. He loves them and they love him. But I hurt so much from all the drinking, lies, and let downs over the years. I continue to stay. I continue to be doubtful who's at fault. I continue to monitor his drinking and fret over his consumption. He says he loves me but his actions do not show it. And I really do not love him anymore.
I don't know it is I feel anymore or why I am unable to leave. Am I really so afraid I can't make it? I am mostly fearful my kids will hate me. They do not see him as I do. How could they? But he insults me in front of them. He is rude and unkind to me in front of them. He is so selfish and uncaring to me in front of them. How is this good for them? I'm always full of doubt. I feel somehow I could try harder. I always feel if I could just control my emotions and reactions to what he doe's to me I could save my children the pain of a divorce. Is this codependency? If so, where do I begin to set my head straight so I can start caring about myself more?
Thanks for listening and for any responses!
Welcome to the group. These things sound a lot like codependency to me:
- Even though he never changed and continued to make promises he didn't keep I let him come live with me in America. Despite my better judgement I felt bad for him.
- I can't even being to describe the disappointment, resentment and anger I experienced. I put up with all of it for my daughter and our son who we had 5 years ago.
- I beg, but on this inside I'm terrified to hurt my children. I hurt inside all the time. I wake up and go to bed sad.
- I continue to monitor his drinking and fret over his consumption.
- I don't know it is I feel anymore or why I am unable to leave. Am I really so afraid I can't make it? I am mostly fearful my kids will hate me.
- I always feel if I could just control my emotions and reactions to what he doe's to me I could save my children the pain of a divorce.
I can understand the fear about your kids and the anxiety in general. It seems, however, that one of the big aspects of codependency is telling your inner voice to be silent when you know what you want. Another is sacrificing yourself for someone else, when they probably don't even realize what you're doing.
As far as setting yourself straight, I have only one thought to offer. I repeat this to myself every day:
- not knowing what you want is bad
- worse is knowing what you want but not being able to have it
- the worst of all is knowing what you want, having the ability to get it, but being too afraid to try.
There are many definitions of codependency and the one that I like is on this link here =
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/codependency-definition/
Also I say that no one can truly start straightening their self out until we turn to our Higher Power which is the God of the Bible and start to really ask God for the help you need.
Just my opinion, but it works for me.
Welcome here to this group.
Codependence
Interdependence
Learn about the differences. Not every behavior is codependent. Not every behavior is interdependent.
Holborn has pointed out many of the remarks in your post that appear to indicate codependent behavior.
In the U.S.A. we have ALANON which is very helpful especially for codependents involved with alcoholics.
I have another addiction, but I am trying to figure out how much codependency is ruling my life. I know I am codependent, but it is a lot harder to see how it is an addiction (especially compared to my other addiction). I am especially wondering how a codependent defines a bottom line - what defines if I am "sober" or not?
However, as I read your post, and as I identified with staying in an unhealthy marriage for many different reasons (especially the children), I did get a little clarity about one thing. After reading your post, I could identify what it means to me to "hit bottom" as a codependent. To me, hitting bottom means that I have had it, that I'm done. That I cannot any longer make excuses as to why I am married to this person. That I don't want to be like this, not even for my kids.
I am NOT suggesting that divorce is the only option to bottoming out. I am also NOT suggesting that you don't think about the welfare of your children. On the other hand, not living in your situation, I don't know that you staying married for your kids is helping them or not.
As far as bottoming out goes, I know from experience with my other addiction that the feeling of bottoming out can definitely leave if we don't act when we feel it. And for me, the only solution for my other addiction is 12 step (which traditionally involves a higher power of YOUR understanding).
I DO think that based on the resentment and fear that anyone in your situation would be feeling that you should at least look into a 12 step program to find some freedom from the fear and resentment, perhaps a codependency 12 step program and/or Alanon.
And for me, success from 12 step programs does not come from going to meetings. Yes, a meeting will help you identify if you actually have the addiction, but for me, freedom will only come from that addiction if I actually DO the steps.
I'm new here. I have been married almost 19 years. He is such a wonderful, hardworking man, until dusk. Then I hold my breath until bedtime. Then the cycle happens all over again.
My problem is that I just cannot seem to get up and walk away. I'm not exactly financially able, but have resources if I did, so what is wrong with me???? I'm an intelligent, hardworking women and our child will be in college next year. What the hell is stopping me? I even contacted an attorney and did the initial and paperwork, but have not followed up. What is wrong? Why am I having such a hard time just going through with this?
Thank you