Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I feel like I can’t get things right. I’ll start from the beginning. My elderly dad ended up in ICU last April and survived. My mom was moaning that her kids weren’t around and they were alone except for my older sister who lived nearby. My stupid guilt kicked in and I told her I would move to her city for the year and help care of her and my dad.
my partner and I got a job offer in another city that I turned down to be near my parents. My partner said he was fine with it and I would find an apartment near my parents and well, we know how that went. He hated the apartment at first but seems to tolerant of it now.
And now I’m depressed. Nothing has gone right here. The apartment is tenable and that’s all I can say about it. I can’t find a job here. I tried and it ended nowhere. Neither of us drive and this city has the worst bus system so getting around is a pain in the butt. My parents are annoying me and I resent them hugely.
And now we’re both sick. Today there was free bus services and free museums and I thought, finally! Something good in this stupid place. And I got sick last week and now he’s down with a cold. I just feel like the city hates me and I’m so miserable here.
And now I’m anxious because my partner is sick and I don’t know how to attend to him. He gets pissed off if I fuss over him too much but then get annoyed when I don’t give him attention. I asked him to let me know if he needs anything but I feel like he’s pissed off at me for not being able to read his mind and get him what he needs without being told. It’s like as his partner I should know but I’m clueless and I think he resents me for that.
I’m still recovering the cold myself, I’m demoralized by the job rejection, I’m anxious because I don’t know how to treat my sick partner without coming off as either uncaring or overbearing, and I’m unhappy caring for my parents.
What am I doing wrong? I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
I must start out by stating that it is very admirable of the both of you for moving to care for your family!
Secondly, I must say that things don't always work out as planned despite our good efforts. The good news is that life is all about seasons and seasons change!
Have you discussed and explored options with your partner?
Options such as coordinating care for your parents by way of a Home Health Aide through their insurance? Medicare? Medicaid? Health Care District?
What about getting creative with your job search? Rover.com Care.com
Neither one of you will be sick for very long and keep in mind that when we are sick, our defenses are weak, we may not be getting sufficient rest, and or not eating well...so our attitudes may be negative. No excuse but just to keep it in mind and take inventory of how you and your partner behave under "healthy" conditions.
Feel free to talk to your partner about how you feel. Listen with an open mind and heart about how he feels. Perhaps even write both down on a board for a visual (often when we see things it hits home vs. hearing things) Once on a board, start to write down alternative ideas, compromise.
This is a journey, life is constantly changing, we are all fallible, we must remember that we always have room for growth (none of us are perfect), and you could talk to him about this too so you can inspire each other :)