You're right, it's tough to know where to draw the line. I think that having concern for your friend is healthy as long as you're not allowing her problems to linger in your mind to the point where it's taking you away from your own day-to-day life. Make sure you can still exist comfortably in the moment without her problems taking over your mind. Keep in touch with yourself and make your own needs a priority. When there's enough energy and time left over after caring for yourself, that's when you can help her care for herself. And I think it's important to make the distinction between "taking care of her" and "helping her take care of herself," because ultimately, she's the one that has to take action and improve her own life. No one can do it for her. Anyway, that's what I think.

A valuable distinction in my mind is if she is asking for something concrete, vs. simply saying "help me." If she says things like "please help me to find another flat to live in," or "please help me to come up with something I can say to him to re-assert myself," then you can evaluate whether you *want* to do these things or if it is not safe for you to do so.

In my personal experience, when someone says "please help me" and then is silent, waiting for me to jump in with all the suggestions and assistance, then he/she is attempting to manipulate me. He/she may not be doing so intentionally, mind you, but it can happen on a subconscious level as well. With some people and with me, the pattern was so well-established, that they would not even "ask." They would simply say things like "my car has a flat tire and I can't drive it to work, so.........." and wait for me to "volunteer" a solution.

Like a snowball that picks up mass and speed as it rolls down a hill, if left to my own devices, I suddenly am taking responsibility for things where I should have no responsibility and feeling guilty for things for which I should have no guilt. These are my "codependent tendencies" taking over. As such, when someone says "please help," I now simply ask "what do you expect me to do?" This puts me back in control of the decision, where I can choose to help, decline to help, or offer alternatives based on concrete requests.

Jaron makes a helpful point, I think, about "taking care" vs "helping her to take care of herself." If she is repeating a pattern and then expecting you to "break her out of it," then it's not likely that you will be successful anyway.

Good luck!

Well based on your other post, it kind of sounds like you could use more focus on yourself right now....but that is me guessing.

I am wondering if maybe this is just a good opportunity for you to have a distractor from having to deal with yourself? Sometimes I like to take care of other people's issues as then it allows me to get swept up in that vs. taking care of my own stuff. I always find other peoples issues so much easier for me to solve then my own. (I have a current friend in need temptation right now, that I literally have to keep myself from getting engaged in, my cup runneth over so I can't rescue anyone right now)

If it were me, I think you can be there to lend a hand to move, or be a shoulder, or maybe even give some simple advice....just simple things to not get lines blurred.

I do question why your friend is in the situation for 3 years and that maybe your friend needs to take a look at why she is unable to deal with it all of a sudden now? What changed so substantially that after 3 years it became intolerable.......just something I am wondering.....if you had said 6 months it would make the situation sound plausible and dire....but this seems like someone roping you into something as my instinct is telling me...which is what I am basing my advice off of.

Anyway my two cents, you can take it or leave it!! Good luck to you and your friend and hope that everything works out ok :)