Two things:

1) even talking about suicide is to be taken very seriously, and it is extremely important that you ask for help immediately during any crisis periods, until these irrational feelings subside (and they often will).

2), It is also a good sign; in that you are admitting how determined you are to "change your mind", or "blow it out", from all the garbage thoughts and feelings you have about co-dependency. "Cleaning it out" expresses a willingness to be angry enough about the problem to be motivated to do everything to change your behaviors in thinking and feeling. When you are this "fed-up" you begin to seek the changes you will need to make, and you will attrach them to you, like being here on DS.

Good for you! I've used anger as a motivator successfully before, I just don't use it against my Self anymore. Depression is "anger at the self", it comes from repressed guilt, which comes from unresloved expression of ANGER over past pains. Find some help, it's out there...

Blaming yourself and being angry with yourself for something you had no control of is not the solution. Blaming anyone else is also not the solution. Admitting you have a behavior problem now, and that you will change it now, no matter what happened in the past, is the solution.

You're probably not a psychic, and don't know your real future, so don't assume it will continue to be like the past or the present. You're trying to create a better idenity for yourself. Give yourself permisson to explore, with faith in yourself, no one else.

I hope this helps...

have you had a conflict with someone that you tried to communicate with? the point is that you are a child of God and you do matter and their is a big world out there to enjoy. nothing wrong with shutting out the world at times as long as you return with a new outlook or attitude. attitude of graditude for what you do have is a good concept to keep in mind. what are the feeling that you think are related to being crazy? i think you need professional help to deal with all of this. sounds like you are very upsettled and so girl get yourself help and stay with us in htis group for support and a place that you can say what ever you need or want to say. dont give up on yourself.

In recovery I often felt suicidal. I knew that anybody would feeling flashbacks of horror; The key for me was people who are "suppossed' to matter. in your statement. We have to accept life on life;s terms. Play the cards we're dealt. What I know to be true is the word, "should or supposed to) does not apply to human behavior, only to math and physics. I left my family as much as I could as It was obvious there was no love there. God has a plan for every person. We are here to do His will. Period. We have no control over others, can't change them, but we can change our selves.People who are here were all hurt and abused, mentally, physically, sexually, and/or shamed. You are young to be starting this journey, I commend you for not giving up.

Do take the feelings of suicide seriously. Get help ASAP for that. I was at my ropes end with dependency and was at the point of suicide. I got myself help and am recovering. Life can be fun and a joy again. I am not there yet but I believe it will happen. There are many people in the same circumstances and many people who have healed. I know you can do it too. The support here is great and people have different ways and times to recovery so be patient and choose the best way for you. If you have faith in God or a higher power rely on that. You have asked for help here and that is a great start. Feel free to ask whenever you need it.

Blessings!

If you are suicidal, you should contact an emergency room.

If your serious about recovery, you'll begin to reach inside yourself, use your Higher Power to accept these things that are not going to change.

None of us can change our childhoods, and we all have War Stories too. Horrifying ones. Wallowing in childhood situations, is not what recovery from CODA is. It's about letting it go, accepting that it can not be changed. And yet, out of it we became who we are today. Fighters, Survivors, Self Fullfilled individuals. Blaming the past, is not growth. ACCEPTING the past and learning from it is.

When I was like this, I needed some TOUGH LOVE.....from others to my SELF!
Whinnying and feeling sorry for what was, is not going to help me grow. The growth is in acceptance. When I was younger, I thought life, was supposed to be certain ways, it never was. I had to stop hurting myself with un-real expectations. Especially from other people. I had to find a higher expectation for myself. Living Based in REALITY, not what I think life should be, and blaming everyone else.

Today, I know with my Higher Power and my perspective, I can accept exactly what life is. I know I am not it's victim. I am part of it's creation.

As I deal with this everyday, I must say that at this time you should contemplate the seriousness of these feelings. I can say that lost hope is a start down a very dark and lonely path where you may find yourself lost for quite some time.

If you are having suicidal thoughts then it is time to contact a professional. Here is a free hotline number, 1-800-273-TALK.

If you are having suicidal thoughts and a PLAN to complete it then I would advice going straight to the ER for evaluation and assistance.

I hope this helps.

I hope you contact the suicide hotline or call 911. I have actually done that about seven years ago and it was hell, but I survived. I am still in the process of recovering, but you can do this. It is a painful process. I just realized I am more codpendent than I thought! That is an even scarier revelation. So I have made a a decision and accepted the mistake I made in returning home to this messed up damaged man, and have accepted it and am going to accept myself as still healing and receive therapy and remove myself physically and emotionally from him. It was hard admitting that I had made this mistake moving back home, but I did. I hope you receive help and please know you are not alone. I always feel alone as I do not have any family either.

Oh, my dear, I know what you are going through! It is a very lonely place, indeed. I really feel for you, as all I wanted was a normal, happy childhood also, and got the very opposite! I don't know how old you are, but I wish someone had told me very early on to get help and go through a healing process. I had many good counselors and still go today! I wish I had someone who had told me that I wasn't crazy, just living with a very crazy situation! I had to learn this the long, hard way. So, I will say this to you: you AREN'T crazy, you just feel crazy because you didn't get the love, approval, respect, acknowledgement, etc...that every child deserves and should have.
I would caution you not to listen to anyone who tells you that you are whining and you should just get over it! NO! That is a mistake! Many of us feel we have no right to our pain and feelings, or must stuff them away, etc... Don't rush the healing process. Find a safe place (usually a counselor is a good person to start with), (and if you don't like them or feel you connect after a few visits, find another one!)
The reason you feel this way (and I and so many others feel this way), is that we never received love, we didn't receive the tools, we didn't receive much at all! So it's no wonder we struggle. We don't know who to trust; we are hesitant to share ourselves for fear we will be hurt and horribly wounded yet again. I understand, truly.
In a sense, we are emotionally disabled, our hearts are undeveloped and yearning. Don't misunderstand, this is NOT our fault! We must strengthen our "heart" and "trust" and emotional "muscles" a little at a time. Don't rush yourself or overwhelm yourself. If you ARE desperate, DO call a hotline. That is a place to start. It is true that in today's world, there are a lot of busy, uncaring, unfeeling people. But there are a lot of good ones out there, too! You will find them.
I'm sure I and others will check this site to see how you are doing. Please post again. I've been there, I know........and I care.