So sorry to hear, but I am guessing an overdose on truth? My guess is you are hearing things that make you uncomfortable and not feel good about yourself? It sounds like you might actually need that.....the truth and getting to the root of the issues is definitely an uncomfortable and hurting place....but the idea is to break down, in order to rebuild correctly. I am sure the feedback you are getting is in a effort to help you....while it may hurt, it might be the truth of the matter....which is exactly why it hurts.

I remember a lady was telling me some truth about something or other...and she said 'the minute you feel angry or hurt, that is truth staring you in the face'

I certainly am not saying go be a punching bag, but be open to what they are saying and you might actually find some semblance of a new direction, a new you, a new method of dealing with everything which will be healthier for you! Good luck in your journey!

Thank you, CoDaChrome, for your comments. Most people in my new group, and most in my old group, were very kind and comforting to me. Just two or three were harsh on me and I think they were because they felt I wasn't in Al-Anon for me. They felt I was going to Al-Anon to "cure" my son & husband who both are chemically dependent.

Since posting this, I talked to a very good, wise, old friend who is also in Al-Anon. I would not have posted here but I could not get hold of my friend all day, and I couldn't figure out how to remove my post once it was out here.

Anyway, my friend feels I am too empathetic to the problems and heartaches of others when they share at meetings, and I let their pain become my mine, and hold on to it. Sometimes, after hearing painful stories by Al-Anon members, I would go home and worry and worry about those members and try to figure out how to help them. I made myself sick to my stomach by worrying. Well, there I go care taking again!

I am going to try to JUST take care of me, not others, and try to not worry so much. I'll ask my higher power for help.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me and I will take to heart your advice:)

I think the main thing about being healthy is being balanced. I too understand previous post about caring too much about others situations but maybe not to the extend that some do. Maybe that is why some people seem so uncaring to me and unconcerned about things going on with me. Are they just more balanced/healthier?
Most I know don't even freely offer resources or suggestions (which I love as long as just offered)--anyone can take or leave an idea (but could be helpful). Many say you have to ask for help if you want help. I always thought if you can see a person needs help in any way you should offer help in whatever way is appropriate & if the person says I don't want help that is fine-no problem at all.
I think my nature is to be more helpful than average but I know the extreme end is not good. Is the problem that taking care of ourselves FIRST does not come naturally?
My mother was an extremely unselfish person --who was taken advantage by more than 1 family member. These types are drawn to the extremely unselfish person like a magnet...a situation you never want to be in.

Maybe it's time to consider going to a coda meeting instead??? That's when you can't distinguish you from them.

Why not be happy your son moved away so you don't have to deal with the gut wrenching updates on his disease?

I just posted a reply about coda meetings on another thread. I was a bit harsh about them, but I feel they do have their place. Maybe you need to listen to other stories of people who are enmeshed and what happens. Perhaps that'll help you to make boundaries so you caring so much doesn't hurt you.

You say "care too much." That's really just a nice way to say you obsess about other's lives. It sounds nice, but really, you get frustrated because you can't control them... Am I right???

Been there; done that! It's horrible, I know. But I keep reminding myself, "What others eat don't make me sh1t." Start learning to say to yourself, "S*cks to be them, but that's not MY problem."

Hugs!

great posts my only comment would be that trying to control others at a meeting is not the same as getting to involved. we can have over the top compassion without trying to control people in a meeting that we barely know. the truth does make us free but should not be harshly put and meant to be hurtful. hearing the truth from a compassionate and detached person is what we need. not a compassionate enabler. I see the code personality as one that lacks in self compassion and comments again made with a demeaning or harsh tone can cause us to withdraw and not be able to see clearly

There are no DODA meetings in my small-town area. I've been practicing a type of spirituality for 21 years, where I do not hurt another, I do not say bad things of another, I try to live my life doing as much good as I can each day. Buddhist concept. Not for everyone, and this spiritual practice has nothing to do with any twelve step programs. I honestly, deeply, care about other people and their suffering. Al-Anon & AA groups, it seems to me, call that manipulation or controlling another. I don't want to control anyone or anything. I can't as I am not God! I believe there is a kinder way to tell someone they care too much or worry too much about a non-recovering person than to tell them, bluntly or curtly, they are manipulating or controlling. Maybe I am not as balanced or grounded as I could. I have been told, for 20 years, that the 12-step programs are not judgemental programs. I'll keep searching for a group into which I fit. I'm sure there is one somewhere...........

Sorry, meant CODA, not DODA...............

MJ- good points. I some times need to be reminded of that!

BTW- I used the terms "obsess" and "control" because someone used them with me and it blew my mind! Here I thought I was just being so sweet and others were treading all over me. Nah... I just wanted control over other's lives and I needed to cut it out. It was the dose of reality I needed, so I thought I'd pay it forward. Didn't mean to offend.

DeliAnnem, You didn't offend me. I have, in the past, tried to control my son's life as I didn't feel he could. Now I realize I have to let go of him as the more I help him the more dependent he becomes and the more I perpetuate the co-dependency. The hard thing is his doctors have told me they are 96% sure my son has permanent brain damage from his drug use from age 14 to now. What areas of his brain are permanently damaged can only be determined via expensive neurological testing which most health insurance plans won't pay for. I feel his reasoning and problem solving are two areas deeply affected, just from watching him move through life and make real bad decisions. But, he is old enough now to figure out his decision-making is distorted and to ask his doctor(s) why. So.......I have to let go. I am working on it. I pray for him every day, I send him healing thoughts, I hope he will one day realize most of his life problems are a result of his being chemically dependent and won't improve until he stops using and gets into a recovery program. But, not my choice, not my decision. I'm feeling so down because I've been diagnosed with major depression & anxiety and I can't take antidepressants right now as they, SSRIs, prohibit calcium absorption and I have osteoporosis. So, I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place.

Your son... my mom. She's using screwball logic and I think she's got some grey matter issues as well.

I actually got her/us invited to go onto the Dr. Phil show, but she turned it down. Said she didn't feel like packing a suitcase.

That's when I decided to let her live her life of Hell on her own.

I'm putting my energy now into helping my grands come to terms with her illness to protect their estate.