Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
welll its been almost a month since my sis passed and gosh i miss her. even though our relationship was strained alot. my other sister has been partying on and making plans with me that i know will fall through as she will be out with friends and guess i am 2 boring. she said we must not loose each other and stay close of course that is not happening ( did not expect this) but agreed just to keep the peace. but somehow i feel bad when i post pics or my friends do of things that we are doing. why is that? because again she will say that i am not there for her, even though she is not there for me. have to break the ties and go on. spending time with friends that like me and want to be around me and i plan to continue. i dont want to be around her as she only talks about herself and everything about her life. my grandbaby is having apnea problems and my niece with cystic fibrosis is dying. i dont care what is going on with her now and the family thing that keep me hooked is almost totally not in my thought process anymore. detachment is working. we live less than a mile apart and are a thousand miles away. and i dont care anymore. as i have said that i was moving in this direction before sis got sick and its seems easier now. this may sound bad, but it was always them and then me on the side lines trying to be wanted and valued as much as they valued each other. it does not matter now. the dynamics have changed and i am at peace with it. do i send messages like- love u sis or lets get together soon or lets stay close when i know that it can not be? knowing that if i dont will say that i was not there for her? she has never been there for me and so why do i think that i have to do this? i dont want her to hurt and hope the best for her but being around her is just so uncomfortable. i am ready to let go of it all- the nieces and nephews, great nieces and nephews and let them live there lives with out me and move on to a better more comfortable place where i dont feel like a selfish self centered person that i am not. i know years ago when my son was awaiting open heart surgery and they were so distant that it would damage our relationship forever. not for revenge but cause reality was hard to ignore. sorry to ramble on just sharing
deleted_user
I am sorry for your loss. You are not rambling at all. Sounds like she is not making an effort but may blame you? I don't really know what to say but hope that things get better and everyone involved gets healthier. Sounds like you have a lot going on and I hope you can work on yourself. You are not being selfish in my opinion.
LeafOnTheWind
My thoughts are with you at this hard time, sassy. Thanks for sharing. Keep thinking about what is best for you and what you need, because YOU matter too. Take care :)
deleted_user
You feel bad because that's what you've been taught to feel by your family. That doesn't mean it's wrong to distance yourself from their drama. Of course it makes you feel bad because you're codependent. We all are. Know that you are doing the right thing. Maybe you don't have to cut them off forever, but certainly telling them "look, I don't get what I need from you, and I can't give you what you need, so let's just agree to disagree." No need to fake caring to appease them. They don't need appeasing. Live your life without the guilt (I know, easier said than done). You have made great progress since your sister's death. At least there is not that tie that was binding for so long. Your sister has gone on to a better place, and now it's time for you to get to a better place too. These relatives of yours will not be OK with it because they want you to fit the mold they've always had of you. That's their issue, not yours. You're doing the right thing.
sassybabe11
so true cheryl. i have always been the selfish one what only thinks about myself. yeah right. this was engrained role that i was suppost to fit in and while they were not avaliable for me, i had better be avaliable for them. and if i said anything i was petty. ready to give up that role. it has caused me alot of resentment and anger and frustration. it made me feel unimportant and the words they said did not fit their actions towards me. actions speak more than words. i have to make sure that my actions are honest and learn to let them be them and me be me and agree to disagree. one of our friends told my sister and i that once when she bashed me when she was drunk. the things that she does are part of her addiction to excitment and being the center of attention. i guess she needs that. has always sought these things and let it be a great priority in her life. i am not jealous just annoyed and embarressed for her. i have to work on my own addictions- smoking is high up there for me. i smoke when i have beer which is everynight 4 maybe 5. need to work on my code addiction also. so glad that i found this group it has really been a good thing for me and has helped me alot for many reasons. such as finding those like me and a place to say my deepest fears and be accepted and cared about, thanks to you all
deleted_user
That's what we're here for. This site has also helped me more than words can say. Therapy is great, but it's only once every other week or so. I need interaction with other people like myself who understand why certain things bother me and what my issues are. You seem to be doing much better. Just keep the distance between you and those that would bring you down. I've found that to be extremely helpful in my recovery. Now if I could just get the STBX to stop playing the pity card through my kids and leave me the hell alone!
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