We cant change others. We can only change ourselves.

Did you say you're back with your ex and you can't stand him? Maybe start there! :-)

I think when we take on too much that's draining and un-fulfilling, it's sometimes because we feel guilty. It's important to ask where the need to punish yourself is coming from, and why you think you don't deserve to be in a nurturing, sustaining relationship (with a person or with your work).

I would suggest that you simplify...get rid of whatever is not nourishing you, to the extent that you can. It feels really good!

Something I ask myself--how are these feelings serving me? And where would I be without these feelings? The more honest the answer I find the more insight I offer myself.

I'm sorry to hear you're back there again. I can totally relate! I have kicked around going back for the last 4 months, but I'm standing my ground. You seemed to be doing so well for yourself until your dog got sick. Realize that you were vulnerable then, and perhaps he took advantage of that? Try to think back to how you were before he came back. Were you happier then? Only you can made the decision about what to do, but I think you know what it is. My big fear was if I went back it would be the same way it was, or worse. Sorry I had to learn from you!! You are such a strong person, I know you'll come out the other side of this stronger and wiser!

thanks for the comments. yes i was doing good but was starting to cave alittle before that happened with the dog. this is such a pattern for me my entire life. scared and dont want to get as depressed as i was before he left before. holidays coming up, sister with cancer, daughter may have lupus and i am just plain scared and it is so easy to fall back into a non fullfilling relationship just for the security. saw my coucelor today and that was an eye opener. she was i think upset with me and we discussed that living parallel lives in a house is what some do and are ok with it. but since i am not i need to do something instead of just falling back into learned behavior. just want peace. told her that last night i came in from work and was on this site as he was talking to me and i ignored him and he did nothing. he did not say anything about me being on thecomputer as he would have before. we just live together and dont really have an intimate relationship. i found myself making excuses for my behavoir- all the women in my family do this, its better than it was before etc. felt empty after as i realized that these are excuses for not moving on even as i am unhappy.

That's how me and my husband lived for years, and I didn't even realize it until I started counseling. I now know it's no way to live. I miss the security like crazy! Hard making ends meet on my own with my 2 kids and pets. But I'm doing it, and I feel proud of myself for being able to do it. And every time I see him and it's the same old shit, I smile to myself and say "see self, same old same old." I know I'm not really missing anything. I think it's such a learned behavior with us, we're so used to just going through the motions, that anything different feels wrong. I said to my counselor once that I feel uncomfortable, so I must be doing something right, and he said "aha!" Maybe you could ask him to leave, but date occasionally? I know for me, just hearing from him or seeing him once a week or so is such a good reminder of why I left!

The only insight I can offer is physical exercise works for me! I take a long bike ride and work out at the gym. This is ME time. I get lost in some really deep trains of thought during a "baptism of sweat". It is purifying and helps me find pleasure just within myself.

I also make time to do creative projects of some kind (currently working on editing some family videos). It's a nice reprieve from a rather mechanical, tedious job and the fact that I'm lonely as shit, even in my relationships..

Hope this helps!

i am sorry for you because i know how you feel. i bounce back and forth getting back with him from time to time because he tricks me into feeling sorry for him. it is a game! but everytime i think about getting back with him i think about how sick and bad i felt when he pulled away and hurt my feelings so bad. i think about how hard it has been for me to even get to the point i am at now, where i feel ok. not great, but just ok. do i want to start over? NO.

So keep your head up. Everyday is a new day. We have all been where you are. We support u. hugs...

I have to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't live my life just to get through it, but to actually live it. That's what I was doing while living with my husband - just surviving from one day to the next. That's no way to live, so now I'm trying to find a better way to live. So far so good!

From my own experience in a similar situation, I can say the best thing I have done is work on myself. I try to minimize the amount of time I spend being angry at others, jealous of others, wallowing in self pity, etc. Even when i have down time at home I am constantly reading articles on self-esteem, confidence, positive attitude, etc. I have also adopted many new self-care habits that work wonders!! Yoga, candles, books, lotions, healthy diet, America's Funniest Home Videos (Just try watching that show for ten minutes and see if the laughter does not lift your spirits!), etc. Then I try my best to carry that feeling into every situation. It takes practice and dedication, but what better thing to dedicate my life to than improving myself? I don't know if you have heard of Kara Oh, but her wisdom relating to Feminine Grace has been a turning point for myself personally. It's all about be the best woman you can be, loving yourself, and as a result, you will attract and choose a partner that is GREAT for you... not second rate. I guess to sum it up, I would love for you to find whatever it is that makes you feel good about being you and then keep doing it... :)
PS. This is something you can do without making big changes in your life, like breaking up with someone or finding a new job. I chose to make these changes while IN a bad situation. Remembering to keep my focus on me, etc. Oddly enough, my relationship is now MUCH better than it used to be and it keeps getting better. Not that it will be the case for everyone, but you would be surprised what a change in your own attitude can do to the attitudes of others.
Best of luck, you will get through!

thanks belovely. good advice. gettting my focus back on myself is what i need to do

Hi Sassybabe,

I agree with others, life is not just to be endured. There should be some joy in living as well. Of course, there are times when life is not joyful, such as a loss, but we still have choices. Glad you will focus on you.

Shar