He blame shifted on them. Who's to say you are any different?)

How long have you been married?

I'd sit him down and talk to him when things are calm and you are both well rested. I'd tell him how you feel.

If he gets defensive... red flag.

I'd give yourself a break.

If his past behavior with his WIVE*S* would make ANYONE worry. I'd be panicked that he's having an affair, too! (BTW- why did you marry anyone with this track record???

Maybe the fact that you MARRIED him is a sign of your Co-D; not that you get upset when you are rejected by a previously unfaithful man...

Hope I didn't come off as too harsh. : (

not harsh at all

At the time I married him, I was finishing university ( I m 47!) (he's 56) and worried about being on my own in my old age, and managing financially too - then along comes this guy who wants to look after meand I fell for it!

Been married two years, I relocated to be with him soon after we met, there were time pressures due to my daughter going to college so I relocated with her to a college near him, its a great area. I married him because I wanted the security with relocating and his track record!

I didn't know about his track record ( he cheated on every wife, with the next one, then the last wife 3 he stayed with for 15 years but had an 8 year affair with her best friend (!) and others after.) I didn't know this until I was married to him! He was always very cagey about his history, I put it down to him being hurt!!! lol!

anyway here I am!

I did try and have a talk with him about this last night, I just don't understand it at all, how a guy can turn off his libido like that?! I was trying to understand why, is he just tired, can I be more help to him at work?! He wasn't defensive but he wasn't very forthcoming either, hell I don't want to pressure the guy but this man needs sex a lot!!! Now he says the cuddling is just as important!!! He worries about performance anxiety but he takes Viagra so thats sorted.

Oh this takes up so much of my energy. I know a big part of it is that i need him to need me, and with his history!, need me sexually.

thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. x

Too late to get an annulment??? Would you have married him had you known the truth?

Viagra, huh? I'd keep tabs on the pills. Just sayin.

good point about the pills!!!
I look for condoms - well I am aware of these thingsI'm not saying I live every day snoopingbut Im aware.

would I have married him had I known?! rem if I had known early on in the relationship I would have seriously considered running for it. Its just not an indication of healthy relationships is it at the very least!

His first text to me after we first met began " I was never in love with any of my wives.
I mull that over sometimes and didn't know quite what to think at the time. I think I saw it as a challenge to get him to fall in love with me!!! Not sure what that says about me though!

You hit the nail on the head with your last post.

I TOTALLY got validated in the past by "getting" men the same way. But I finally realized that I was focusing on the wrong men.

I'd pick unattainable ones. That way, if Ihooked THEM, then I must be FABULOUS, right??? Only flaw, is that KEEPING them or getting a successful relationship is a total different issue! So I created a paradox. Wanting a man, but picking one that's a horrible candidate because somewhere, I felt I didn't deserve better.

I'd take a good, long look at where you are. He's 56 and you are 47. I'm 41...

Seriously- you want to deal with this in your 50s when he's almost 70???

You should have gone younger, not older at this stage! : P

I found that usually younger guys wanted kids or had young children.but I get your point!

I definitely have a faulty picker, I am so desperate to get to the secure stage I go serious way too soon before I can relax and be myselfthen I find out it was a mistake.You would think I would know by now eh!

I read that this is your fourth husband. I think you jump on board way too soon.

So, what are you going to do about it???

Well my story is a disaster, my first Husband of 12 years left me when I got pregnant , planned pregnancy. Then I was still desperate for more children married H2 for 10 years, he's nice and a good friend, I left him as I felt lonely. He was too proud to work it out. Then H3 who committed suicide three times in two years. I loved him so much, he was truly my best friend. I was heartbroken. Then after 3 years break I met H4.

I have a huge fear of abandonment and cannot feel safe unless marriedits not great but here I am.
There are a lot of good things about H4, I think some of the issues are down to my weak boundaries and not being vocal about what I need. So I am trying to work on this.

You mean he attempted suicide 3 times??? Was he successful the final time?

That's horrible.

Well, you may just want to separate for a while so you can work on NOT being afraid of being alone. I hate to say it, but men die sooner than women and your choices in men are not very healthy men, so this one may kick off sooner than most... : (

I'd look into some week long retreats, too. Work on developing yourself and think of your husband as an accessory in your life- NOT your life.

Hugs.

He wasn't succesful. We were having dinner and he just got up and walked out of our home. Gone. I searched and searched, called the POlice. Never saw or heard of him for a long time. Then I had a text from him saying he was hoping I was ok. He had got himself a flat. He just walked and walked until he ended up in hospital and was put in a mental health unit.

It was such an awful time. The PTSD stems from this.
I went back to college after that. It was a great time to relax and enjoy learning. I didn't date until a few months before I met H4.!

My suggestion- divorce him and go back to school! : )))

lol!

I have two more years to do - its always there waiting for me!

I am trying to be more assertive about what I need.
I think my H4 is also co-D or something, I started off thinking him a Narcissist. maybe he's just a pig!

Hi Sunnjax, I think DeliAnnem is giving you some good advice here.

Also, just want to say that being single is not so bad. I'm 55 and have been single since my late 40s. Was twice married and haven't always gone for the right guy either.

My dad was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. He died when I was 28 and I've always felt a hole never filled.

I had two sons with my first husband of 13 years but unfortunately, he had a secret life of womanizing that I was completely clueless about (I was so gullible) because his job caused him to be gone for 1/2 the year. I just thought he was working hard all of the time.

I married second husband way too quickly ... I just had something to prove I guess... I ignored red flags with both of these relationships.

I'm grateful for the time I can spend with my sons and their significant others and my other family members without any drama.

Just want to say that loving yourself is ok cuz u cannot love others until you love yourself first.

I think after 7 years, the credits go away and you have to start over...

What's the difference between a narc and a pig? One wallows in the mud and the other pushes YOU in the mud.

University credits, I only did my last year in 2012 so Im ok for a bit. I don't think you lose the credits in the UK.but I better check!

I know in my heart this isn't healthy for me, but until I am healthy myself I can't be sure. I know the unhealthiest thing is my self-sabotaging Co-D behaviour. I need to make healthier life choices that make ME happy every day. I want to try and work on that before I make that decision. In the meantime I am going to make my life better suited for myself. Its hard. My H doesn't have any friends and never goes out without me.
Its a work in progress.