Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Addiction & Recovery
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Trying to fix men

mclee
mclee

Hi, I am new here.  I am 51 divorced 10 years.  I have gone through two relationships since my marriage.  Both I ended up heartbroken.  The second one just ended, he is a sex addict.  I tried to help, I tried to understand, I tried to partake to a certain extent. Yet I am the one crying at night.  I lowered myself to some extent to understand him and be on his level.  Three times in the last 3 years, he as gone on craigslist, sex sites trying to hookup.  Two weeks ago we were out, had a great time, normal evening.  Tonight I sit here sick at my stomach because he met a girl on swingerzone central.  He met her four days after our last time together.  


I sit here mad at him, mad at myself, heart broken.  I said some pretty mean things like I never have to him.  All I am worried about is that I hurt his feelings, that he is mad at ME.  I worry and want to stop him from the dark hole addicts dig themselves into. I want him to be safe. I want him as a "friend" when I know that is not possible now.


My entire life, I have had issues with want to rescue men. Wanting to do something so great that a man will love ME like the love I give. I forgive and forgive and forgive but yet keep them in my life just asking for more.  


I need help realizing that all of these qualities about me that I thought made me special are breaking my heart.  


TerriR
TerriR
Mclee, my heart breaks for you. I could have written this post myself although my ex was a drug addict. I am 51 and have 3 failed marriages. The qualities withing you are wonderful qualities but they can be a burden if you are using them for the wrong reasons. As codependents we tend to focus all our time, energy and love on others so that we do not have to deal with our own baggage. That was a shocking revelation for me because I though "I was doing the right thing, I was the good person, I didn't have a problem, he did." It took a lot of time and a lot of work but I have learned so much on this journey. My life is so much more peaceful these days and I know how to take care of me today and allow others to do the same. I encourage you to learn more about codependency and keep reaching out and build a support network with those that understand what you are going through. Big hugs!
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
I am afraid your husbands issues go much deeper then that. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself!
If you are worried about upsetting him with your anger, then you can always apologize and then forgive yourself for holding on to all that anger! Addiction is called a family disease because every member of the immediate family is negatively affect by it so you may need therapy for yourself.

I wish you luck moving forward and try not to be so hard on yourself.

God Bless
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