I read your post on the divorce forum too.
We Can only fix and control ourselves,
No one else. I got very tired of beating
my Head against a brick wall when things
Went sour in my marriage. He was checked
Out and things had gotten toxic.

Many people on here read codependent
No more by melodie beattie and go to
therapy. I myself Believe in 12 step
Groups to help us on a deeper level.

Often we marry and find someone
On the same level of dysfunction as
We are at and what we know and
grew up around. Lots of this stuff is
Generational.

There are lots of good articles and
replies if you Read back on here. I have
found no Magic wand for what ails me,
Hugs and welcome

Hello,

I don’t know if I know enough about your complete situation to provide an opinion, but it seems like after being in two marriages that didn’t work out, five months may not be long enough to really know what you want. I know that it really stinks to be alone. Believe me, I did not get married until I was 33 years old and that meant a lot of lonely nights! Being alone provided me with the self-confidence that was needed woo my wife. I wish you the best and I will be praying for you.

Hi

it might sound like a cliché but we all (you) really need an active religious life meaning a relationship with God, and that is not so much preaching religion to you as it is a matter of boundaries.

Going to church or Temple does not count, just as belonging to a religion does not count - it has to be personal as your own.

The relationship with our spouse (your wife or GF) must be secondary to our Higher Power and that is the most important boundary line of all boundaries.

If we view our self (self esteem) as being right and we are doing right and living right then our conscience (inner self) is no longer dependent on the feelings of other people, including not being dependent on our spouse or GF or any other significant people.

It is God who gives me my own power because God gives us the boundaries and the self esteem which over-rule every other person.

Not just our spouse or GF but our parents and siblings and employer and even our self must come under God as our Higher Power or else our personal space becomes very limited.

This is just my opinion of course, but it is based on my own years of research and experience.

It sounds like you have to be in a relationship to feel complete or maybe even happy. When that happens, we often pick the wrong people. We can only change us, we can't fix or manage others and we can't make anyone happy except ourselves. You need to find a life and activities of your own rather than expecting a lover, partner, girl or boy friend, or spouse to solve your life/social needs for you. Dating for 5 months is not long enough to truly know someone. The person you love may not be the person who is really inside of her. We each have to find our self confidence and self identity for ourselves not through other people. Consider that perhaps she is a crutch that allows you NOT to change or make a good life for yourself? I really liked The New Codependency book by the author of Codependent No More.

My finding is that people tend to make an idol out of their mate (spouse GF / BF or their parents) and treat the other person(s) as if they are God.

We hear it in their words, as like they adore their lover, they worship the person, they love unconditionally, because the person they love becomes their God - their idolatry.

We want them to be happy so we sacrifice our self to them, and if they get upset then we get upset, we get sensitive to their every mood or action and so their feelings become our feelings.

Other people can not live up to our idolatry, and every other person has their own forms of codependency or dysfunction.

Inside of human beings there is a natural and real craving for the Higher Power, and so people bow down to Kings and to performers, and we will bow to whoever is associated with us - unless or until we take control of our own life, and we simply must deal with the real God in a healthy constructive way.

Great shares .