I too had this problem - with my husband. I learned at a young age from my alcoholic father that my feelings were unimportant and was shot down whenever i tried to tell him to stop blaming me for things that weren't my fault. Now I'm married to a man who treats me very similar to the way my father did. Definite code behavior.

I finally got up the nerve to leave him, with my kids and family pets. Have tried to talk to him about how i feel, but it always goes back to him and what his issues are. He doesn't really care what I'm feeling. That's why it was hard to talk to him, because he wouldn't hear me anyway.

Maybe this is what's going on with you? Is the person you're trying to talk to actually hearing you? I find now that the more I speak up, the better I feel about myself. It's hard at first, but with practice it's getting a little easier.

I too have a hard time telling people how I am feeling. I even have a hard time telling my therapist. It does get easier the more I do it, but it is still a daily struggle

Thank you both for your response. It's funny, just posting what I thought was sort of a stupid question (of course I thought it was stupid) , I actually feel a little stronger. That is what is so wonderful about this website. We can ask questions that we would never ask anyone else for fear that they won't understand or care.

Cheryt, I am glad you got the nerve to move on. It is hard, I had to do that with 2 teenagers and 18 years of marriage. I made the decision when I became so ill, I couldn't tolerate it anymore. Now, I find myself in a similar situation but different dynamics. I talked with my friend last night after posting this question. I actually had ask for some space to think and in the meantime read a book. God must have opened a little crack in the door because he asked me about what I read. He actually downloaded it on his computer is now reading it. I am not too naive to think that will change anything but .......... I just continue to work on myself in the meantime.

Immorg, I pray that you will find the strength to share. It is incredibly difficult for some of us. Have you posted on the website or shared your feelings ? It helped me. I also write down my feelings and say whatever I want when I need to vent. I get to say whatever I want then I just throw the paper away. Usually by the time I have written, I am more clear and not as anxious. Good luck and stay with it !!!

I used to freeze as well. I would get very overwhelmed by strong emotions. I would get a numbness about my head and throughout my body and become extremely sleepy.

Personally I believe this was due to PTSD and what's known as "disassociation."

Since I've started working on PTSD this has become a lot easier.

One thing you might try is writing. Write in your journal here on this site. It helps you organize your thoughts and find insights. YOu don't have to share with others necessarily but it might help you develop the skills for organizing and communicating your thoughts for others.


Best regards,

Sometimes it's just not knowing the right words to say.

An articulate vocabulary, and the guts to say the words, is the best armament.

I totally do. With me the problem is more physical, in that I know in my head what I want to say, but I'm scared of saying it. I'll open my mouth to speak, and go 'I'm ...' and then panic because the other person is looking at me and waiting for the next word. I'm so scared because of anticipating their reaction that I can't get the word, 'angry' or 'upset' out. It's a kind of paralysis, similar to not being able to swallow something that you're scared of choking on. I also hate crying in front of people, or being sick (even on my own in the bathroom) - anything that involves a loss of control or the expression of a strong emotion, I'm scared of it. My throat just seizes up.

Mind paralysis could be a more severe version of this, like you're so overwhelmed that you can't even fathom how you feel at a given moment, let alone express it. Does it just happen when the other person is firing questions or abuse at you very fast? Or even when having a normal-rhythm conversation?

I like cheryt's suggestion of practising speaking up. You could even do it on your own. At any given moment, stop and try to think, 'How am I feeling right now? What word (s) best describes it?' That could help to keep your awareness ticking over.

In my therapy I practice speaking to the person by doing chair work.... basically i talk to an empty chair or sometimes a teddy who represents the person i need to speak to. It helps me find the words i need to say in a safe environment. I sometimes swap and say the things that the other person might say back.
I used to bring up a subject especially with my husband and immediately back down or back track as soon as he became angry or challanged me. I always though I was wrong and hated confrontation. I've learnt that I don't have to be right but i do have a right to be heard.

I was scared to talk to my BF as I didn't want to be manipulated into what he wants me to do ( One conversation would lead to chain of conversations and ultimately he would end up convincing me what he wants). After reading Susan forwards - Emotional Blackmail I could gain strength to correct myself and stand for my Integrity and Values. I stopped hiding my feelings, Truthfully expressed what i felt and protected myself emotionally.

i have learned over the years who is safe to share my personal stuff with the hard way. so i try to only share with those people as to avoid feeling weird after sharing with an unsafe person. this unfortunately leaves me with few that i can share with. but you know if its only a very few thats ok. this is a great place to be truely honest and bounce our feeling off of others.

I always have issues when trying to argue/discuss things with mostly my boyfriend. I have learned to write it down! I organize my thoughts, try to address what I am feeling before I approach any touchy subjects with him. Sometimes I have even taken to email just because when we are talking, I get emotional, and sometimes just freeze up and cant really express what I want to. then it comes out as shame and anger and I lash out.

I have even added an app on my phone so I can instantly start writing and make sense of the mess in my head. I try not to immediately react to my emotions anymore,

I know I really do. Especially with my Mom and Dad.

I'm doing role play with my wife now. She plays my Mom and Dad and I talk to her. When I first started I thought I was strong and ready to talk to my parents. After her first sentence I sat there feeling terrible thinking my Mom was in the room. The second time went a little better but then when my wife said in anger as my Dad, "Don't talk to your Mother that way" I could sware I saw his face and immediately froze and couldn't speak for about 10 minutes. The next time I was able to not freeze. Of course this was over a period of several weeks. It did seem to help me.

you are so lucky to have a wife that will do that for you. good luck . it will work keep up the good work.