Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Everything I've been reading about codependency describes my relationship with my partner perfectly. I won't bore you with too many details... but in the last couple years I've worked really hard to find a small voice. I'm quite proud of how far I've come. However, with that said.....
He was diagnosed with a terminal illness two years ago. He was given 3-5 years to live. He had asked me to work for him at the business he owned so I have for 7 years. Anyhow he and his boys decided since he owned the business marriage wasn't a good idea and I should probably find a new job. So the past year I've been training and preparing to start a new career...
In the last 3 months his health is getting much worse very quickly. Its not in his best interest to be alone. His boys are not capable of caring for him and his parents are not available. I'm about to be called to work full time at a new job I've been working so hard for.... and we don't have money for a nurse. In addition he keeps asking me to stay with him and help him...
Since we have been together I've dropped all my needs and put his on a pedestal and don't even know why. I've done everything for him. I lost my voice somewhere and its taken me so long to find it and its not even that loud..... Seeing him so sick is making so hard. I have shamefully put myself into a very tough situation. I have to go back to work I have no choice... just looking for some support.... this is so tough....
He was diagnosed with a terminal illness two years ago. He was given 3-5 years to live. He had asked me to work for him at the business he owned so I have for 7 years. Anyhow he and his boys decided since he owned the business marriage wasn't a good idea and I should probably find a new job. So the past year I've been training and preparing to start a new career...
In the last 3 months his health is getting much worse very quickly. Its not in his best interest to be alone. His boys are not capable of caring for him and his parents are not available. I'm about to be called to work full time at a new job I've been working so hard for.... and we don't have money for a nurse. In addition he keeps asking me to stay with him and help him...
Since we have been together I've dropped all my needs and put his on a pedestal and don't even know why. I've done everything for him. I lost my voice somewhere and its taken me so long to find it and its not even that loud..... Seeing him so sick is making so hard. I have shamefully put myself into a very tough situation. I have to go back to work I have no choice... just looking for some support.... this is so tough....
Why can't his sons take care of him? They seemed to know so much in that they prevented him from making you his wife...
They want their cake and to eat it. It is impossible. You have to go ahead and start the new career you have been training to do. It sounds like it was their decision so they will have to deal with it.
Why do you feel his boys are not capable? Is that codependency speaking where you feel you would be able to care for him much better than anyone else? Its sounds like they are more than capable of helping to look after their father or help financially with a nurse.
Also his parents could help either financially or physically ? But I am unsure what you mean by not available.
Just because you go off to work everyday does not mean that you do not love him or care for him. You can still be there for him and support him through this difficult time. It would be unfair to give yourself the whole responsibility of caring for him.
The vow of "in sickness and in health.." Yeah... he denied that when he refused to marry you due to his selfish sons.
What's this "we" business for money for a nurse? Why do you have "no choice" but to go back to work? MOST people work, unless independently wealthy.
This sounds like a VERY unhealthy situation for you.
My advice? (This is going to sound harsh- I am sorry.) Seems like the BF will die soon. I'd say your goodbyes now and leave. Start that new career. Leave the sons to take care of the BF.
If not, do you know what I predict? The sh!t is going to hit the fan when he finally does expire. Those sons will pull rank, kicking you out, saying you are not family, will take power of attorney, and you will be stuck with bills somehow. I've seen it happen before.
Grieve now for the loss... and I don't mean him. I mean the loss YOUR life for the past 7 years. Start Day One now by breaking up and moving on.
Why wait for a funeral?
Hugs.
I'm going to do some more reading on the codependency stuff... I really appreciate the feedback. Its such a difficult situation. I feel like if he was well things would be so different....
I think it's a lie to think that if he were well (meaning physically) things would be okay.
The sickness is not the one you think... it's the codependency.
Hugs.
He choose not to marry you. He choose to let you be fired. Now he is suffering the consequences of those actions.
One thing that I suggest is to stop using the term we. We dont have money for a nurse.
Without the contract of a marriage, you are just giving away everything without any benefit. His sons are clearly against you. SO you are essentially the enemy in their eyes.
It is up to him to stand up for you with his sons. He has chosen them over you. You simply have to let him live with that choice.
There is no real choice. You have to live! Working is part of living.
Your doing the right thing!