This weekend at my counselor's advice I started writing. Reliving the hurt to heal is not easy to say the least. I realize now I never dealt with it. I just covered it up and moved on. I can honestly say this. I never understood why I did things the way I did and at times still do. Reading Co Dependent No More and Codependency for Dummies has brought it out. I'm also attending Celebrate Recovery and seeing a professional counselor as I mentioned. I am totally committed to getting well and forming healthy relationships. However with all of that said, nothing has helped me more than returning to church, dedicating my life to Christ and relying on him to lead me where I should go instead of moving on my own will. At times I step in like I'm sure everyone does but I bring myself right back. It takes practice and self control since as a Codependent I'm used to trying to control of almost everything. I was born an only child so I've always had a fear of being alone. Now? I know I'm not alone. I feel ok when there isn't another human being with me. Do I prefer to be social? Sure who doesn't? But I'm also ok when I'm not and it hasn't always been that way.

I have felt a source of comfort this weekend even while I'm going back through the hurts. Little by little I'm receiving the information that I need as I need it. That can only be divine help. All of this began when I watched the movie "God's Not Dead" There was a line in that movie that commented on the "Cinderella Complex" I felt compelled to research that. I knew it applied to me without understanding or question. Once I began the research I got deeper and deeper into making changes to undo this mess that my life has become.

As for the relationship I was pinning for, I've been strong. It has been five weeks and I've made no effort to contact and neither has he. I'm glad of that. It makes it easier. It's obvious it would hinder the process if communication were to take place right now.

It has become crystal clear though that he is just as codependent as I am. He's on the ridged boundary side while I'm on the no boundary side. It was destined to fail. The Narcisstic characteristics with my selflessness made it awful for both of us.

I have to give all of the glory to the Lord. Even though it wasn't what I wanted It's what I needed.