Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Is it possible that my codependent aversion to anger is based on the concept that anger is the result of Fear, a fear of being hurt? That to express anger, that I have been hurt, is the emotion that I'm avoiding at all costs? That my sensitivity to emotional pain is so great that I want to avoid feeling that FEELING? Is it possible that it was caused at a young enough age that it could not be rationally dealt with based on the abilities to reason of someone that age? That a child of that age can't possibly have the mental tools in place yet to properly deal with whatever scarred them? That the pain is so repressed that it has taken on a false image in proportionality, that it's potential power to destroy is grossly overstated by that original mind's childlike emotions? That my aversion to looking into it is really just an old 'boogy-man'? A false-idol of fear?
Is it possible, or even probable, that as a child, when I felt hurt and got angry, and threw a tantrum, that I was spanked, beaten, or otherwise FORCED to UNDERSTAND that that behavior, AND the expressing of my feelings, were not allowed? That those feelings, attached to those actions, made me bad, unloved, and unvalued? That the behavior was not seperated from me? Is that what all of my codependency is about? The use of overwhelming force to conform? The threat of painful emotional and physical scarring from someone who is 'supposed' to Love and Care for me using their power to force me not to be "ME", who I want to be as an individual, but instead conform to their demands of how I 'should' be in order to be valued, loved, or appreciated by them, and the society THEY need to please?
So I still believe, at this moment, that this codependency thing is about not being able to be free to admit my hurt feelings to myself, and to others - not to control them or elicit pity and help - but to control my own feelings, myself.
As you can see, I do a lot of deep thinking, if not confused thinking. Maybe I have too much time to think lately. All of this I got this morning in just a couple of hours...Sheesh! I'm tired, Good Night, Ya'll!
Is it possible, or even probable, that as a child, when I felt hurt and got angry, and threw a tantrum, that I was spanked, beaten, or otherwise FORCED to UNDERSTAND that that behavior, AND the expressing of my feelings, were not allowed? That those feelings, attached to those actions, made me bad, unloved, and unvalued? That the behavior was not seperated from me? Is that what all of my codependency is about? The use of overwhelming force to conform? The threat of painful emotional and physical scarring from someone who is 'supposed' to Love and Care for me using their power to force me not to be "ME", who I want to be as an individual, but instead conform to their demands of how I 'should' be in order to be valued, loved, or appreciated by them, and the society THEY need to please?
So I still believe, at this moment, that this codependency thing is about not being able to be free to admit my hurt feelings to myself, and to others - not to control them or elicit pity and help - but to control my own feelings, myself.
As you can see, I do a lot of deep thinking, if not confused thinking. Maybe I have too much time to think lately. All of this I got this morning in just a couple of hours...Sheesh! I'm tired, Good Night, Ya'll!
this is something i've discussed here many times...such a fine line for a codependent like me...
how to discipline our children (especially extra sensitive ones) without them feeling squelched or abandoned.
pia mellody in her book "intimacy" has some good insight.
also "healing the child within" by whitfield is a great one that i need to revisit.
thanks for your deep thoughts!
My thoughts are that you're right on target. Anger and fear are two emotions that often intertwine, blend easily together. And one person's anger can cause another person to be fearful, or a person's fear and timidity can cause another person to become angry and full of contempt. There are other examples too, of how they play off one another but as you point out many times people simply are forbidden to show or feel anger, or another feeling such as sadness, hurt feelings. A display of a "forbidden" emotional could bring on some pretty negative consequences to the person feeling it- you could concievably develop a fear of your own anger/sadness, or emotions in general.
And yeah, I like your term "boogy-man." I think that sums up the idea of how the fear gets encorportated into your outlook.... roots in vague childhood memories, but no definable rational basis in adult life. Plus a great point about the behavior not being separeted out from the child; the bahavior is bad so therefore the child is bad. But I suspect you were not all that bad a child if a truer light were shown on you. This is what abuse is about. Codependency can be abusive too. It's certainly not healthy. As a child though, you can't opt for NOT being codependent. It's a natural state between children and parents. A parent has strong urges to want to help and protect a child (people used to call this a maternal instinct) and a child, because it is still developing, needs to have this sort of support.
Codependency in adults is an unhealthy carry over of the parent-child relationship into adult life.
If your parents required that you conform rather than be a unique individual seperate from them, then yeah, I can see how that would lead you into an adult codependent relationship with another person who for example might require you to behave in certain ways in order for you to receive love from them.
Keep thinking!