Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Here's what I have deduced so far, based on 'hoops' post under "dumb question", and I repeat her note with some additions:
1) Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse (significant other), children, (friends), and co-workers.
2) Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete.
3) They feel compassion (empathy) for people who may be hurting and feel they 'should' be the one to help them.
4) Codependent people give their time, emotions, finances, and other resources.
5) They have a difficult time saying "NO!" to any requests made of them.
6) The biggest issues that arise from codependency is that many codependents expect their 'behavior' to have 'value' or be appreciated.
7) They measure their self-worth by how much they are 'valued'.
I began breaking down this definition to smaller parts in order to use it. I recognize the symptoms immediately:
1)The First is the impulse to control PEOPLE;
2)The Second is the urge to demonstrate Superiority in helping people with their responsibilities and thoughts;
3)The Third is the urge to empathize with hurt feelings and help to avoid them;
4)The Fourth is the urge for generosity to help;
5)The Fifth is the urge (or impulse) to say "yes" to those who ask for help;
6)The Sixth is the urge to 'people-please' with conforming behavior; and
7)The seventh is to feel valuable to others.
As I break this stage down into the next, I see where the core motivation is FEELING VALUED; the acts of generosity, empathy, superiority, direction, and behavior are all connected to being valued...by OTHERS.
In the next deductive step, I see where emotions, control of them (or the lack of control of them), especially hurtful ones, is the common thread. I believe that MY codependency is based on the lack of control of MY emotions. I know, now, that I can control my thinking, I've done it: changed my mind intentionally! What I didn't know, until now, is that I haven't been controlling my FEELINGS. It's as though (in my case at least) codependents have a 'hair-trigger' for their emotions, and the trigger gets pulled unconscoiusly by their environments, if not by their own thoughts, dreams, day-dreams, or prognostications. I am too easily tripped-up by my environment; which would explain my reclusiveness, and my introverted behaviors - withdrawing, walling myself off to exterior stimuli - in order to understand my 'reactions'. One thing I know is that codependents "REACT"! I hypothysize now that that "reaction" is that emotional 'hair-trigger' that is pulled subliminally/unconsciously by unguarded, unboundaried, unaware, minds and mindsets.
The final step in my deductions is that all of this is about how as a codependent, I do not value my self, and I just project that out to the world and try to find it "out there"; when, in fact, the place I need to seek value is in myself, from my self. I/We don't know how to feel good about me/ourselves, Love ourselves, respect ourselves, or defend ourselves, our inner core, our 'inner child'. If we can find, or develope, a tool to do that, our lives would change dramatically, will change dramatically. As long as I do not set 'boundaries' for my own impulses to protect my self-destructive actions, I will continue to suffer from this disease. I, for one, want that tool; one that works!
Your comments are greatly appreciated.
1) Codependency is when a person has a strong desire to control people around them, including their spouse (significant other), children, (friends), and co-workers.
2) Codependents believe they are somehow more capable than others, who need their direction or suggestions to fulfill tasks they are responsible to complete.
3) They feel compassion (empathy) for people who may be hurting and feel they 'should' be the one to help them.
4) Codependent people give their time, emotions, finances, and other resources.
5) They have a difficult time saying "NO!" to any requests made of them.
6) The biggest issues that arise from codependency is that many codependents expect their 'behavior' to have 'value' or be appreciated.
7) They measure their self-worth by how much they are 'valued'.
I began breaking down this definition to smaller parts in order to use it. I recognize the symptoms immediately:
1)The First is the impulse to control PEOPLE;
2)The Second is the urge to demonstrate Superiority in helping people with their responsibilities and thoughts;
3)The Third is the urge to empathize with hurt feelings and help to avoid them;
4)The Fourth is the urge for generosity to help;
5)The Fifth is the urge (or impulse) to say "yes" to those who ask for help;
6)The Sixth is the urge to 'people-please' with conforming behavior; and
7)The seventh is to feel valuable to others.
As I break this stage down into the next, I see where the core motivation is FEELING VALUED; the acts of generosity, empathy, superiority, direction, and behavior are all connected to being valued...by OTHERS.
In the next deductive step, I see where emotions, control of them (or the lack of control of them), especially hurtful ones, is the common thread. I believe that MY codependency is based on the lack of control of MY emotions. I know, now, that I can control my thinking, I've done it: changed my mind intentionally! What I didn't know, until now, is that I haven't been controlling my FEELINGS. It's as though (in my case at least) codependents have a 'hair-trigger' for their emotions, and the trigger gets pulled unconscoiusly by their environments, if not by their own thoughts, dreams, day-dreams, or prognostications. I am too easily tripped-up by my environment; which would explain my reclusiveness, and my introverted behaviors - withdrawing, walling myself off to exterior stimuli - in order to understand my 'reactions'. One thing I know is that codependents "REACT"! I hypothysize now that that "reaction" is that emotional 'hair-trigger' that is pulled subliminally/unconsciously by unguarded, unboundaried, unaware, minds and mindsets.
The final step in my deductions is that all of this is about how as a codependent, I do not value my self, and I just project that out to the world and try to find it "out there"; when, in fact, the place I need to seek value is in myself, from my self. I/We don't know how to feel good about me/ourselves, Love ourselves, respect ourselves, or defend ourselves, our inner core, our 'inner child'. If we can find, or develope, a tool to do that, our lives would change dramatically, will change dramatically. As long as I do not set 'boundaries' for my own impulses to protect my self-destructive actions, I will continue to suffer from this disease. I, for one, want that tool; one that works!
Your comments are greatly appreciated.
"faking it til we make it"
in the past year i been able to excel in letting go of my attempts to control others, doing for others what they can and should do for themselves, allowing old worn out relationships and ways of relating to influence how i feel about myself....etc.
i've done really well at practicing these things and my life has improved vastly in this respect.
i have little resentment any more. genuinely, a pervasive sense of peace that i never thought possible.
actually, i have radically changed in the last 10 months.
however, the "stuff" still remains. when i get stressed or anxious i still want to blame someone for that. i need a "place" to "put" my negative emotion, rather than just feel it and move on.
i still do not love myself the way i would like. but i'm getting there.
it's a journey, not a destination.
and lastly i would like to say that without DS and al anon i'd still be going in the same circles i've been going in for the last 20 years!
blessings!