The relationship I have been working so hard the last four months to salvage has finally ended. My fianc just decided that she couldn't forgive me for the way I treated her and I treated her son, and despite my best effort to go to therapy, go to al-anon, and try and recover, she has decided that she doesn't want to talk to me, or see me anymore.

I'm very sad, I'm very sad that my best effort wasn't enough for her to put faith in us to keep going. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see that my problems were caused by me, and my past, long before I ever met her. I'm sad that I won't be able to see her ever again, or talk to her, or just tell her that I love her so much, and that if she gave me another chance I would work at it every day to make her happy.

I'm sad, but at the same time when I take personal inventory over the last four months, I look at a summer full of progress. I look at a time in my life where I have done more self-discovery and worked more on my personal history and family of origin than I ever have before. I mean, maybe my effort was too little too late for her, but it's not for myself. The effort I've made to make myself better, and make it so I could look myself in the mirror has been incredibly valid and I have worked hard at it.

My codependency was a huge factor in ruining my relationship with her, and I realize that. I also realize that at 31 years old it's unrealistic to believe I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, and I feel like I'm smart enough to realize that these roadblocks that I have setup for myself over the years can and need to be removed so that when I'm ready to meet someone else I can be open to the experience and actually invest and enjoy it.

I'm very sad, I'm probably more sad than I ever been, but I do feel hope. I feel like once I get through the grieving process and mourn the relationship I can move forward and possibly be ready to try again.