I blinked and more than a year went by (and what a year.)   Sorry for not participating for so long, but life as a teacher who takes her job too seriously (but it's so much more fulfilling that way!) was super busy. 

So a quick update before I get to my questions about enabling and triggers - I had the best class ever and just a fantastic year making kids learn stuff and do cool projects and fun art and finding that oh so delicious balance between rigorous academics and making learning fun. It was a blast.  But my partner pissed off the admin and we can't go back, which sucks.  The thing is my partner wasn't wrong and the admin was incompetent and screw things up (and I'm still fighting them to get money that they owe me) but he did escalate things and was insulting and couldn't stay in his own hula hoop, and... yeah... here I am looking for another job.  

I only realized a few nights ago that he's addicted to what I call his "crusades" where he needs to be jury, judge, and execution with what he deems incompetent, unworthy people.  It's never enough that he recoups his losses with them -- he needs resignations, people to be fired, heads to roll, or at the very least for them to hear that they are pieces of s**t who are a net harm to the world.  

Here's where the enabling comes in.  He always wants me to support him, to write emails and letters and to put pressure on people who are not doing what they should be doing.  I've usually do it because 1. He is right about the incompetence (though I disagree with the degree that he take it too and sometimes, you just have it go) 2. He sees it a way of supporting and validating him and I want to come off as the supportive, validating partner  3. He can get very angry with me if I don't and I SUCK when it comes to dealing with angry people.  So I enable, and sadly, sometimes I even encourage.

Anyways, I came across as video about how people can re-traumatize themselves and I realize that every time he gets on these crusades, he may be re-traumatizing himself, and it's making him worse.  I always felt like he was worse now than in the beginning of the relationship.  I figured it was the honey period being over, but I remember that in the beginning, he could keep a job and he was able to be friendly with other coworkers.  Now, this is the third or fourth time he's been fired just months after starting a job and he automatically declares war on his coworkers from the get go.  Hell, we were slated for interviews and before he got to the interview he was already threatening lawsuits (that was the incident that made me stop and realize, "crap, this has gotten BAD.")

I'm actually shocked that I didn't realize how bad it has gotten.  And I've been enabling and encouraging behaviour that is potentially re-traumatizing him and causing him to go down this horrible spiral where now, he's basically can't keep a job and can't function properly.  

I know it's not all my fault.  I know it's up to him to fix himself.  At the end of the day, he is an adult, and Lord knows I have tried to talk sense to him, I have tried to tell him to shut the door and enjoy the good class he got and not worry if another teacher or the admin wasn't doing their job - okay, maybe I didn't put as much effort as I could into it because I was terrified of triggering his temper, but I did try, and he didn't want to listen.  Main point - there's no use beating myself up about it (I see that as me making progress because in the past, I would have used that as an excuse of why I owe him or can't leave him, etc.)  

My main goal now is to work on not enabling him when he wants me to join him on his crusades.  I don't mind writing a complaint about not getting the money that is to owed to me, and I have to thank him for pushing me to do that because I did get some money back that in the past, I would have been a doormat and allow myself to lose.  Man, as much as I get resentful about his godawful temper, I can't deny he does help me stand up and fight for things that are owed to me.  Nothing is ever black and white.  It would be easier if it was.  Back to the point: if he's picking a fight to be mean to others or it's affecting his ability to function in life, I want to be able to not support him on that.  

Thing is, I have a crippling fear of confrontation.  I hate disappointing people, I hate causing people to be angry... and I go into STARK TERROR mode.  It's like the freeze response, but on steroids.  I can't explain the STARK TERROR I get.  Caplocks isn't enough.  I have some theories for why the terror is so extreme - I think it's an emotional flashback from when I was a baby when my family travelled with me from a war torn country to a refugee camp where I spent my entire infanthood, according to my mother, screaming in terror because a lot of terrible things happened.  I have no memory of that time, but I think the emotions are still there and maybe that's why I have the most ... terrifying time with confrontations.  

Good news is I finally got a real therapist who I just started sessions with who I like a lot and has helped me a lot with the guilt and feeling like I owed something to my partner.  Sadly, she went on vacation just before I discovered what an emotional flashback is and realized that my partner is basically an addict and I've been badly enabling him.   I'll see her in two weeks and I'm hopeful she can give me some tips on how to calm that STARK TERROR so I can say no when my partner wants me to enable him.  

Until she comes back, I was wondering if anyone else could relate to the situation of not realizing someone's addiction or bad behaviour had gotten so bad that it was affecting their and your ability to function properly, and that you had been enabling it, and how hard it is to say no to them.  And if anyone else gets STARK TERROR at confrontations or the thought of saying no. If you did and you overcome the terror that causes one to enable, what helped you?  

BTW, so glad to see so many awesome folks like mlro, urbangardener, lavender, and salina still kicking around here ^___^  You guys were awesome.  Sorry if I miss anyone, but if I see your name, I'll probably let you know you're awesome too.