Hi B.

I saw your other post-thread and I stayed away from it because of me not wanting to sound harsh, but here you directly ask so here I will say what I see as the answer.

You are mixing up lust with love, which is very common in today's society which promotes the lowest of human actions as if they were virtues instead of vices.

The opposite of love is lust, and people get confused by that.

To love means an outgoing emotion, while to lust is an incoming desire.

Love goes outward - Lust comes inward.

Thereby they are opposites.

The thing is that humans (male and females) have animal instincts and we have powerful hormones which push people to have sex and to reproduce, and that instinctual craving (our lust) is not love, but it does FEEL like love because sex feels like love when it is NOT.

You mention the porn addiction and that is feeding into your eyes and NOT into your heart, but it still does corrupt your soul.

The porn industry is nothing but lust and it is not an expression of love.

So I am really complimenting you because you are figuring it out = QUOTE this thread title = "THE ILLUSION OF LOVE."

Our animal instincts like lust are actually fun and adventurous and it pushes people into the streets and into Bars and into fights and into orgies, and so it will destroy the people who go too far.

The best definition that I ever heard (and I do not know the source) goes like this = Love is the outgoing concern for the welfare and the dignity of others.

To lust is a deep seated concern to fulfill our own self serving desires.

It is okay to want sex - but we need to have boundaries on our self, and boundaries on our actions, and those boundaries keep us in line instead of running wild.

Thanks for the response, Booky, and for the compliment.
I want to make sure I'm not misunderstanding you.

What you're saying is right, but what I really wanted to say in this post might be a bit different from what you're talking about. When I open up about my problems, even to my male friends, I feel "love" toward them. Is that the same as lust?
I don't know if I misunderstand you or not. I don't think I want to have sex with male friends, being a straight male myself. All I really want sometimes is just to hug them and say "I love you" and perhaps something like "thank you for listening and accepting me"

As I said, I felt the same thing towards my therapist the other day, but I know for sure I really don't want anything like sex from her.

What is it then? A different kind of lust? I don't understand.

Hi B.

I do not know what that is.

I do not see it as love or as lust, so I do not know what it is.

Maybe it is a feeling of gratitude or connection, or maybe just relief or friendship?

There is also that saying of = A selfish kind of love.

For me I always worry about expressing that selfish kind of love.

Just my perspective here, as you must follow your own guidance.

Booky, I think I've found it out again. How cool! :)

I remembered Anthony Soprano falling in love with his therapist in the TV show The Sopranos. So I googled " Why do I feel love towards my therapist" and these articles say it all.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/04/29/i-think-im-in-love-with-my-therapist/

https://www.mentalhelp.net/advice/i-m-in-love-with-my-therapist/

Quote 1
"Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents."

Quote 2
"Transference means that feelings and events from the past, particularly those that were unresolved, are relived with new people in the present. We "transfer" the feelings and meanings we experienced, particularly with our parents, to an important person in the present."

So this is what I'm feeling toward my therapist, my trusted friends, and especially toward that girl. And I think it's true because when I think of how much that girl accepts me as I am, I can't help it but cry. And it's a kind of feeling a kind of cry I've never experienced before. I think I cry because of happiness. Perhaps relieve?

Thanks for your help again! ;)

Another thing has just come to my mind. So I'm reliving the feeling I used to feel toward my parents as a child.
But isn't it love then? Isn't what an honest, pure, undamaged soul, a child feels toward its parents?
Now I'm confused again.

Hi B.

I say you are doing great - and moving along like a speeding bullet.

For myself I watch the tear jerking movies which make me cry especially about family love and reuniting, and I do love some of those movies which really touch me, but loving a sentimental movie is not really love.

When I ask myself as to why do I feel like that and why would I cry at a movie THEN my answers are like I feel so much pain and hurt and lonely for myself because of the huge loss of my own family of origin so THAT it is pain and not love.

Strange but true is that kind of pain feels wonderful, and I believe that is because it is soothing my inner child, and I do keep the best of movies (IMO) on DVD so I watch them very many times and they touch me every time over and over again.

My finding is that knowledge is power, so the more we know about our self then the more we can use that power for our recovery.

My understanding is that - QUOTE = "Feelings come into the body while emotions go out of the body."
https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/09/08/emotional-boundaries-the-kind-of-boundary-which-counts-the-most/

Love is an emotion which we express (goes out of us), while other people loving us is what we feel (coming into us).

That is why love feels wonderful but feeling the love is not the same as us expressing the love. As a child might love their abuser but that abuser is not loving the child - and very often both the child and the abuser are confused by the confused feelings.

This is the way that I view it and it seems to work for me.

Thanks, Booky, that was useful.
I was very confused for first but that article made the difference between feelings and emotions clear.

What I don't understand now is how to love someone? I first thought if this is love, something that goes out, I might have never experienced it, or at least I was so young that I can't remember. Then the last paragraph says love is a decision. We love someone because we want to express love. That's not what I've read elsewhere and I don't think this is how it works. Or maybe I just still don't understand it?

Most of my positions (my boundaries) are based on my religious doctrines, and all religions are about love, so I get a lot of mine from that.

A decision to love is like formally getting married where we make vows and commitment to marriage and thereby to LOVE.

To talk love or even to feel love is not the same as to do love.

The Gospels says to - Love thy enemy - and that is a choice and it is not so easy to do.

For me I find it very easy to love people and easy for me to fall in love too, but I learned to create boundaries onto myself (boundaries on my love) so that now I do not FALL but make my own decisions as to whom I get into a loving relationship with.

For me I am a strict vegetarian (no animal meat) and so lots of beautiful and available women eat meat and so my boundary says no to any meat eater. That is my decision.

I am not getting into a loving relationship with any women that is wrong for me, and THAT is the decision, and it is my boundary.

When I was much younger before I turned vegetarian and before I had healthy boundaries then every pretty girl turned my heart and soul and as such I was out-of-control.

That is the way that I do this now.

I'll jump in here... : )

Booky said recently that LOVE is a verb. I like that.

How to love? By allowing that person to be who they are and by sharing with them your authentic self.

That is exactly what we've been doing with this girl. We share all our emotions, fears and desires, and form intimacy this way. We also accept each other and consciously pay attention not to control each other.

It's a bit blurry for me but I'm sure the fog will clear with time.

Thanks for your help, guys :)

To me it sounds like you are all in your head. You are over thinking things. Life and love have to be both mentally understood and emotionally experienced all at the same time.

While we may grow in knowledge of each a little at a time, they have to be merged into a whole to have actual experiences with boundaries flexible enough to maintain oneself while also interacting with others.

That's true, I think a lot, but I can't help it. My feelings/emotions don't let just chill out.

BTW, I've found something I've suspected, see the article below. I think it pretty much accurately describes my current state. I feel f8cked.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201012/how-break-the-pattern-love-addiction

Did you see who wrote the article? Someone from the breakout session at Caron foundation! Maybe it's a sign...

I think the word "addiction" is overused, though. It gives it too much power. it's "just" a bad habit.

If you figure out WHY you have the compulsion, you can fix it.

Good point. I'll keep that on mind.
Thank you.

BTW, The girl and I have agreed to take is slowly and we reduced communication to 1-2 calls a week. I'm feeling much better already but I still miss her.

I've decided to run the Barcelona marathon next March. Not because I'm so much into running, I just needed a goal in my life and this seems to be a good one, considering the mental and physical health benefits of running. So I now have something to prepare and look forward to. :)

YAY! That's the spirit! When I don't know what to do, I run. Not away from the problem- I run on the road and usually, I feel better. All that ground I cover puts perspective between my feet and brain. : )