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Something that I’ve been thinking about lately is expectations.
Expectations on us and expectations of others and the way that expectations weave such a tangled web in our lives.
Expectations are such a funny thing.
They have this weird way of taking over our lives without us even knowing it; so, I thought I’d explore that a bit.
Expectations are what I call the manifestations of future projections.
They are the pressures we feel or that we exert on others to fit within our paradigm and our lives.
Expectations can be conscious or unconscious, but they emphasize a discontent with our current situation and status.
From the dictionary, expectations are beliefs that something will happen in the future or that someone will or should achieve something.
From the beginning, we grow up with a lot of expectations: the way we look, the money that we make, the degrees we earn, the marriage, the kids, etc. and on and on and on.
And, as we begin to develop relationships with others, whether we know it or not, we do expect certain things from them. Certain actions and certain reciprocities for example.
Often, if those expectations aren’t met, especially for codependent people, like me, we blame ourselves for these shortcomings.
How many times have you asked yourself:
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
After all, I am nice to people. I do and have done everything that I was supposed to do.
In a previous life, I hardly ever said no.
In a weird way, expectations are a tool for control and empowerment.
There are expectations ON us in which we are controlled by others, society, or outside forces.
And there are expectations BY us in which we attempt to control outcomes through others.
Both are self-defeating.
We know that at the root of codependency is a meteoric imbalance of power. And when we talk about expectations and codependency it’s interesting to see the cyclical nature of codependency rearing its ugly head again.
Expectations only feed that dysfunctional cycle.
Expectations have a voracious appetite: the hungry hungry hippo of the mind.
Never satisfied. And with that dissatisfaction comes self-hatred and blame.
All of this may sound super negative to hear.
Isn’t it good to have expectations? Aren’t expectations like goals? And, goals are good, right?
Of course, I do think goals are important in life and damn does it feel good when you reach a goal.
It feels damn good, it feels like euphoria.
It’s a world-conquering, blood rushing feeling.
Here’s the call out: That is the UP in the up and down, the imbalance.
We’ve been touching on the negative aspect of expectations but as Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual leaders explain: any type of expectation pulls you further and further from your present moment.
More of that to come…
But, think about it…
What’s going on in your life right now in which you feel dissatisfaction?
If you were to dig deeper into it, my guess is that a root cause would be related to expectations ON YOU or BY YOU.
And, peeling off the layers one by one…
Does it boil down to:
What’s wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
Why can’t I?
Why can’t they?
I should…
They should…
If only…..
Ya’ll!!!! That’s expectation hitting you in the face.
Can you see that? What do you think?
How many of these questions do you ask yourself daily?
To be completely honest, at least 20 times a day for me.
And, when you can’t answer these questions…when your conscious mind just can’t wrap it up in a nice neat box, how do you feel?
Me?
I feel anger, resentment, frustration, bafflement.
I feel in the wrong.
Like it’s my fault.
Okay, now for the good news. If you’ve gotten this far on my ranting, we’ve broken through a self-reflection barrier.
So, thanks for sticking with me.
We are calling out that: expectations, in the end, make us feel like shit because it screams unease with my self and my life, right now.
Now, let’s break away from that bad boy and start living our damn lives.
Here’s what Eckhart says about expectations:
“Instead of creating expectations of what should or should not be happening, cooperate with the form that this moment takes. Bring a ‘yes’ to the isness, because it’s pointless to argue if it already is. A greater intelligence is available to you when you no longer reject, deny, or ‘don’t want’ what is.”
Do you see what he’s saying here?
Anything that takes us away from the present moment, in this case, we are talking about expectations, detaches us from where we are, right now.
Does that make sense?
How blissful would it be to go about your day and not ask all of those questions about yourself and others?
With my awakening and coming into presence, there is release and acceptance in this practice.
I am who I am, they are who they are: NOW.
When I catch myself in the throes of self-negligence and self-pity, the awareness that is presence helps me cut those ties.
The serenity prayer is another good example of this.
Accept the things I cannot change…
Release.
Accept.
Release.
Accept.
Release.
Accept.
Livin & Lovin
Lilli
Great post! I've been thinking a lot about this too as have been recognising in myself a bit what my parents did to me -- that everything they did for me came with an expectation of something they expected from me!! I was adopted so perhaps this hit even harder for me considering so many of my adopted friends did not get this from their parents.
The thing is... it's hard when you give so much and don't get anything back. Right? For instance in my work place, i've given so much and the only way i can really advance is if my superior promotes me and puts me forward. I've been having resentment because a couple of my projects have been his best original work and have taken him to a higher place, yet he has not done a lot to promote me to get me to a higher place. Lately someone else has come along that has a much higher status and he has become a small part of that project and is promoting this person so much!! It feels so unfair. And I am so hurt. It's hard to draw the line between expectation and realistic outcome in a work situation perhaps.
But it definitely does not help my situation to bare resentment or become negative. I have lately removed myself from this situation a bit and working with other projects. I do feel i have caused this superior to worry/wonder why i have detached more lately. He seems to be trying to do more for me now but I feel ... it's more polite gestures than actually what I need from him. Still... it's such a tough call sometimes and I would like to understand this more too!
But the bottom line is... any form of expectation can be very negative. Women should definitely be more assertive and negotiate better rather than expect that efforts will be rewarded if we are "good girls" for example. lol
SimpsonsOK, your comment that codependent are notorious for listening to words rather than looking at actions was also eye opening. I am new to really trying to understand what my codepency is and how to become just myself. Old habits have become reflexes.