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terminal sister/boundaires

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
sister has brain cancer. i do care but not going to not take care of myself and my own childerns needs. sisters are takingf stress leaves next week to take care of her. i am suprised at the resentment that i am feeling. neither one of them have ever been supportive with my son and his seizures and opne heart surgeries. they partied on and made excuses why they could not come over to be supporitve. so she was sent to st louis with a brain bleed ater a ct scan showed a tumor with a small bleed and had a seizure. had to work tuesday 12 hours and so i did not go over as i could not loose the cash from this 12 hour shift. and my sister says to me why cant you just reschedule so that u can come. then she is over there and tells me that everyone is asking if she is alone and where am i ? but then she adds but my good friends that would drop everything at the drop of a hat came over and stayed with me as i just could not levea sister alone. my immedaite response was- in thought - was screw you bitch. i am not going to be your shoulder to cry on its not all about you. she is very very manipulative and i just cant hardly stand being around her. she cries all the time and tells sick sister what she should be going all the time. so i then find myself feeling selfish and petty. which is what she wants me to feel. this is a pattern, i have always been the selfish one -but they leave out the unsupportive attitude they have always had towards me and my family and person problem. i am not taking a Family medcial leave to help as i have a son with a chronic disease and a pregnant daughter and might need to do this later in the year. feel like after my sister passes i will stay away from psycho woman. the sick sister has never worked and drank her life away and now all is paid for my the state and want to sue her docs. next thing i am waiting for is for them to ask me to help with funeral and headstone. sounds bad but not going to. let all thi good friends that they partied with at times that my son was critical pay for it. anyone been in this type of situation? how do i keep from feeling guilty about my resentment and find the balance between caring and taking care of my own needs. i suppose the answer is in me. to do what i can and no more. and to know that my actions are not based on the resentment that i feel but the need to take care of my own and myself. any comments appreicated
hbgdaystar
hbgdaystar
You are not responsible for a fully grown adult who can take care of themselves so stop feeling guilt.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Do what you reasonably can, FOR YOUR ILL SISTER, and ignore the other one. Remember, you can't change her. She has her issues to deal with, and they have nothing to do with you, even if she tries to make it your issue. Sounds like she has enough other support around. Your family should be the most important thing to you. Tough one there. Good luck, and stay strong!
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
stress headaches and just really stressed. i think that part of my thing is that if i start crying feel like i would never stop. need to grasp the moment and shed this resentment and enjoy the time we have together. feel such anger at the sister that is not sick. now she has taken a month stress leave and probably try to get off for much longer and spend most of it partying and talking about all that she is doing constantly. texts are what they are doing to get everything scheduled and seems to just anger me more. what
"we are doing". a friend last night told me just love your sister and spend time with her and dont worry about all the other stuff that is going on and other said- well she is off work again for porbably months and all we are going to hear about is lisa and what she is doing for her. not that this should make me feel better, but it does that others are just overwhelmed with her constant crying and telling sick sister what she should do . crazy sister works for the state and always takes advantage of the crazy shit the union and the state provide her. am sure her co-workers are just really pissed at her also. this person is toxic to me and my self esteem and dont understand why i give her so much power over me. family issues are hard and in this time of stress i guess that the worse comes out in all of us at time. sick of being the scapegoat when they are so damn unsupportive of me and then make me look selfish and petty. really pisses me off.
LeafOnTheWind
LeafOnTheWind
Hi sassy. Just because your sister makes out that you are 'always the selfish one' doesn't mean you are. Use your own judgement here. You know that you have done the best you can in a tough situation, with little support from your family, don't let your sister minimise that in YOUR mind. She can think whatever she wants herself, but try not to let it affect your judgement. It is ok for us to NOT always give more than we get- other people love it when we give more than we get but it isn't good for us.

I don't think there is anything that you can do to change your sister (the one that is giving you the hard time). This seems to just be the way she is. If you can't change her, then how much time do you want to spend with her? You can wish like hell that she would just be different or nicer or more supportive towards you but that is probably not going to happen. I found it made such a difference to me when I realised that there was nothing that I could do to make anyone in my life treat me any differently- they are the way they are and I really don't think there is much I can do to change them. Then all that is left is for me to decide how much time I will spend with them, rather than spending time with them trying to get them to treat me differently.

All you can do is what you think is the right thing for you at this time. You are only human just like the rest of us, no-one can do the absolute 'right thing' all the time- all we can do is what we think is best at the time. I really like cheryt's line: do what you reasonably can for your ill sister and ignore the other one... Take care
LeafOnTheWind
LeafOnTheWind
Hi sassy. Just because your sister makes out that you are 'always the selfish one' doesn't mean you are. Use your own judgement here. You know that you have done the best you can in a tough situation, with little support from your family, don't let your sister minimise that in YOUR mind. She can think whatever she wants herself, but try not to let it affect your judgement. It is ok for us to NOT always give more than we get- other people love it when we give more than we get but it isn't good for us.

I don't think there is anything that you can do to change your sister (the one that is giving you the hard time). This seems to just be the way she is. If you can't change her, then how much time do you want to spend with her? You can wish like hell that she would just be different or nicer or more supportive towards you but that is probably not going to happen. I found it made such a difference to me when I realised that there was nothing that I could do to make anyone in my life treat me any differently- they are the way they are and I really don't think there is much I can do to change them. Then all that is left is for me to decide how much time I will spend with them, rather than spending time with them trying to get them to treat me differently.

All you can do is what you think is the right thing for you at this time. You are only human just like the rest of us, no-one can do the absolute 'right thing' all the time- all we can do is what we think is best at the time. I really like cheryt's line: do what you reasonably can for your ill sister and ignore the other one... Take care
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been where you are at now just 7 years ago. There are no easy answers as this has been a pattern for so long and now you are all stress out as to be expected.

No good doing the comparision thing about who was there for whom.. She will probably never get it.

Just try to continue to take care of yourself, your loved ones and love on your sister that has the brain tumor. Heck, even if you don't feel it, you can love on people who don't show love back. That isn't being a door mat, that is just being a compassionate person without taking any BS from people in an inappropriate way.

When you start focusing on the other sister and what SHE is doing or not doing, take a breath and try to remember what is important during this i season of life. She is not the focus and just because she throws you a ball, you don't have to catch it. I hope the best for you and you have my symphathy during this time.

Be Well, Stay Safe, & Love on Your Self,
Kenoa
SkaiRain
SkaiRain
the one thats ill just let her know you care but you have to care for yours send her flowers while she can see and smell them.. Once she has passed .. If she is on SSi then they will deal with her body too cremation is not a bad thing Heck wit a stone whos gonna tell her you didnt get one? what good is a stone any way give her the love you feel you can and no woories no guilt.... stand your ground!
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
wow thanks for the good comments. on top of all of this i get very annoyed by the sick one also. she is going to try to sue her surgeon about her leg bypass and just grins and says that she is going to get a bunch of money. oh yeah she has cancer, hx of blood clots, and has continued to smoke and drink for last year after diagnosis ofr cancer and 2 leg surgeries to restore circulation to the leg due to clots. she has always used everyone and everything to keep from working and so that she could be an active alcoholic. its sad when you really dont like your family. sisters family members are users, know how to use the system, and want all given to them wihout earning it. this is just against my beliefs and values. in april alot fo family coming and i am not even excited about it. they will all stay at my sister house packed in there like sardines and i have a 2 story house with alot of room and they never stay here when they come. very resentful about these things. had a gathering on saturday night and they came with a brought a very drunk friend, who was out of control and kept falling and it was awful. the not sick sister kept repeating herself about the sick sister- how LET IT BE came on on the radio and they both cried and how they slept together and she held her small thin hand and could feel her heat beating hard. i mean do you really tell people over and over at a party this story to people who also have alot of pain and loss in there lives? people that she does not even know very well? i really do not like her and its even closer to a very strong dislike and revulsion of her constant crap. oh also another friend is having a fun raiser and both of them are already talking about spending the money. better be saving it for the funeral planning. both always have money for alcohol and the state ( our taxes) is supporting there irresponsible behaviors.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is very aggravating. I too have a couple of relatives that just seem to skate by in life, and whenever anything bad happens to them (because they neglected to prevent such bad thing from happening - like several unwanted pregnancies) they get bailed out time and again and just go on partying and acting irresponsibly, because they know someone will always be there to pick up the pieces. I wasn't raised this way (God knows), and I just can't stand people like that. Sometimes I wonder where is the justice, but I know karma will get them sooner or later.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sassy, I feel for you dear. I hope that you do not mind me sharing my similar experience, because you did ask if anyone was in a similar situation. My son was shaken as an infant by a babysitter, and died as a result of the brain damage. My family lived 20 miles or less from the hospital, and only visited once in six weeks. My mother's advice was to tell me to have more children. One of my other children was born with a serious birth defect that required three major surgeries. None in my family helped me through anything. I was told that the hospital was "scary to drive to" (it was in Chicago) One of my brothers is a truck driver, and the hospital was in the neighborhood of a ball park, where one of my siblings has season tickets. HA HA HA For awhile I resented all of them. I understand how you are feeling, and am sending you many hugs and lots of love.
It took years to come to the realization that many families are dysfunctional. Treat your "well sister" as though she is an unpleasant person at your job that you are being forced to "work with". You don't have to love her, you don't have to like her. Yeah, I've heard that crap about love being unconditional, but I also have read scripture that tells me not to throw pearls before swine, lest they be trampled underfoot, and then the swine will turn on and attack you! You should respect her because she is a human being, and leave your feelings at the door. She wants your feelings, she is an emotional vampire. Don't give your "well sister" any feelings, she feeds on them. Practice some polite , smiling responses in the mirror, examples of what you can say to "well sister" when she says something hurtful to you. "I don't feel that you understand", or something vague. Then, when she hits you with one of her "zingers", pull out your practiced, unemotional response.
What is important to you at this crucial point in time, is that you take stock of the people in your life that you can count on. There will always be negative people like your sister in your life. It sounds like you have done a lot to be proud of, and have been a strong person. Keep strong sweetie.
deleted_user
deleted_user
And, just tell your family that you cannot afford to contribute to the headstone and funeral. Be firm. Imagine yourself as a CEO making a decision in a board meeting, and let it be your final word. Give importance to YOUR actions, not anyone else's.
LeafOnTheWind
LeafOnTheWind
Hi sassy, I can understand how frustrating it all is, my gosh you have so much going on at the moment.

You can't change the well sister, you can't change the sick on either. Lately, I have actually been using the serenity prayer as an assessment tool. When it comes to a particular situation that has me all worked up, I tyr to remember to ask myself, "is this something that I can change?" Is there something I can actually do here? Is there some action that I can take? If there isn't, then I let it go and try to accept it as something that I cannot change. If there is something that I can do about it, then I make the decision to do it. It has been helping me a lot. I don't always remember to do it straight away but even doing it afterwards has been helpful.

Your family situation is so tough at the moment and I think this makes it even more important that you take care of yourself. Is there anything that you can do to change the fact that the sick sister is trying to sue her doctor... probably not. Practice letting it go. Having your mind occupied with all that stuff is not doing your emotional or physical health any good. Take care and my thoughts are with you.