I don't know your situation, but if you're not already, how about going into counseling alone to work on your communication with him.

I try very hard to tell myself that we can't change others and only ourselves. If after your ex feels the new communication with you that you've learned in therapy is productive and mentions it, THEN you might want to mention to him you went into therapy to learn it and then maybe he would be more open to doing it too. It would be a great way to sneak it in.

Hi.
I also don't know your situation but am a single parent too. I've had good communication with my ex but it as meant letting go.

I think the person you should work on is 'you'. It needs to be about you and your journey into recovery.

If you honestly think your child is suffering because of your issues then mediation might be advisable.

From my experience an individual has to want therapy themselves in order for it to work. You can't tell someone to go to therapy.

Please ignore any advice you don't like or want. Every individual situation is different xx

Thanks for your replies. I should add that he and I have not had contact with each other for four weeks. My daughter didnt have a close relationship with her as even when he was around he didn't spend much time with her. He worked long hours, liked to go out with friends a lot, blew off contact sometimes due to hangovers. We had all kinds of problems in our relationship (we have always lived apart, I hasten to add). One time when we were together I broached the idea of joint therapy in the future if we still couldn't address our arguing and he seemed to think it was a good idea. Also, shortly before we ended up going into no contact he said 'we just can't communicate' so by saying 'look I care, but you're right we don't communicate... how about trying therapy together, as I'd love it if we could learn to communicate better' or something.

I've been having counselling recently but my counsellor thinks that I actually do communicate quite well and in general, I don't normally have communication problems with people but obviously there is room for improvement. However, the problem seems to be specific to our relationship, hence joint therapy does seem like a good option.

I see it as very noble and honorable of you to consider joint therapy for you along with your daughter's father.

I say first ask him if he is interested and willing, because if he says "no" then it is out there if he ever changes his mind, and if he agrees to go THEN you and he will have to decide on a Therapist and on what days to go and stuff like that.

Also you might have to see if he has his own insurance to cover the cost of Therapy? or how are each of you going to pay for it? or there are free Counseling at Churches and some free Counseling for some people who can not afford it through Public Assistance.

Probably better services over in your GBR.

And if he does agree then you are not surrendering your own position, as you can still cancel the therapy your self at any time, so it would need to be an agreement between him and your self, as it can not be just his decision to do it or not to do it.

Just because you asked does not mean that you are then trapped into anything.

I say for you to go for it and ask him.

Family sees things that we miss when we are immersed in struggles. They watched your marriage self destruct. They know more than you likely think about the struggles that caused it to self destruct. Listen to them and trust them to love you and want the best for you.

It sounds like you may be depressed. This could be chemically caused by stress or exhaustion. Perhaps a visit to your doctor would be helpful to make sure that nothing medically can be done to help before you jump back in to getting deeply involved with your EX.

What will therapy do?
What issues will it solve?
Are you really wanting to fix your relationship and get with your ex OR is this necessary to care for your child?
Write out your goals on paper.
Then figure out if both of you really need to go to therapy together to accomplish those goals.
Make this list of your goals and reasons for wanting therapy with your ex- actually write down your reasons! That allows your brain to release those thoughts and allow deeper issues to come up.
Be brutally honest with yourself!!!. No one else will see it for any reason.
This list is for YOUR eyes ONLY!!!
Don't allow anyone to guilt you, threaten you, or even suggest to you that anyone elses eye's but yours see it under any circumstances. So there is only you to realize your motives in thinking about therapy with your ex.

If you are really secretly hoping to "fix" the relationship and get back together with him, then you may want to rethink those motives.
He is your ex for a reason.

Ex's who cannot even be in the same room together due to hostile divorces still manage to raise children and work out visitation for those children. So you really need to think about your goals.

Dont go to therapy for the wrong reasons. There is nothing brave, noble, courageous, humble, or fantastic about trying to trick people into doing things for the wrong reasons. Your EX will be angry once those are revealed and things will be worse. He will be angrier than ever if you are really secretly wanting to restore a relationship without really understanding your reasons.

Take time to think about what is going on in your life that makes him seem like a great option. You dont say how long ago this divorce happened. At times when we are low, the frying pan always seems better than the fire.

Good luck
Sunny

I drafted an e-mail about four days ago that I have been sitting on. I tried to keep it short and to the point as I tend to write long messages:

I still care about you but I think youre right that we dont communicate very well. I believe there have been some misunderstandings again between us recently. I would suggest we try joint counselling or something along those lines, if you are willing.

My goal would be to try again with the relationship although I'm still not really sure I should. I would never deceive or lie about this intention as it's a waste of time but fair point when you say it would anger and upset him if I wanted this without being clear on my reasons. My main reason is wanting to have a family of my own and although there are others, I know these are not really the 'right' reasons.

Honestly, as bad as this sounds, he's such an uncommitted father that my daughter wouldn't suffer without him in it. He's stopped maintenance because I didn't agree to parental responsibility, he's blown off contact so many times, has scared her with his yelling directed at me and he has poor parenting technique. I've made suggestions, pointed out how I've addressed my own mistakes, suggested that he read parenting articles and books but he isn't interested. He's a complete sex addict and that's where his priority lies. Not a problem early on in a relationship but tbh, not helpful when you've had a child and have more responsibilites than you've ever had in your life. A healthy libido is a great thing but sometimes it really seemed to interfere with other aspects of life.

One day , I can see the potential for our daughter to have a good relationship with him but when I see him with her I did sometimes worry what it would be like for her to grow up with a father like that. Only four weeks have passed and he is barely mentioned anymore. She mentions my best friend more often even in times when he doesn't come and visit us so much. I see how he is with my daughter, loving and playful but firm and respectful towards her and wish my ex could be like that. Instead, he acts a bit more like a dictator and seems to think she should be obedient because she is the child and he is the adult. Do I really want to expose my daughter to that again, since my ex has made legal threats against me but not followed up on them? Similarly, my mother's partner is fantastic with my daughter, treating her with respect and she treats him with so much respect in return...

Completely off topic but one big issue between my ex and me was that I didn't respect him and I was honest about this. He was really hurt and wanted me to take it back but I couldn't because it would have been a lie. He doesn't even treat our daughter with respect. This bothers me. Honestly, if he wasn't the father of my child, I would never consider being with him now and that's the truth.

Hi Alana: I wish you would take your last post and print it out and put it by your bed to read it every morning and night.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of why we broke up and should not try to put it together again. Many, many hugs.

I agree with AsTimeGoesBy, I'm not a parent so I cant really empathise with your situation but I definitely sympathise. I think you should definitely print out or write out what you have said because you seem to have an incredible insight and inner strength when it comes to doing what is best for you and your daughter. I had a very similar father growing up to the one you have described. He has come pretty good now that I am an adult but it took him many years of learning what is hurtful and what is not hurtful before he got it right. I guess some people are just like that. Kids can be very resilient but if you are concerned about the effect this will have on your daughter I think you may already have the answer. She obviously has an incredible strong mother as a role model and I think thats all she needs, By the sounds of it she has some great male role models in her life so she's set, so as well as protecting her you just need to focus on you and what you need as an individual. Many Hugs

Thank you for your replies and for your kindness ATGB and FloJo. Thanks FloJo for saying my daughter has a good role model. I sometimes feel like a rubbish parent, I make so many mistakes and she seems behind the other kids at pre-school in some ways but I love her so much.