Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I am at a stage where i am questioning so many things in my head. I am so shaken with things i am discovering on my own.
This began when my recovering gambler decided to distance with me. He said he couldnt focus on his recovery well with the demands of our relationshp. I could not accept that but had no choice because he just chose to cut off all communications w me. It made me and to this day depresses me. I could not accept the fact that on his lowest times i never left him. I was willing to give way to his recovery. I understood his schedules and that he needed to prioritize his recovery program along with daily meetings. It has been 4 months. And yet no contact. He left me confused. We were okay.. or maybe i forced my way when he really wanted out. Until 1 day, he just suddenly disconnected from me. Its so unfair.
Currently, im still on my own. I feel my friends are also getting tired of my misery. Of my questions. Overall, i guess my un-acceptance that he has chosen a path without me.. this surfaces so many questions - am i not worthy? Does he really need to be alone? Why cant we work our recoveries side by side? Why is it an option to risk leaving me. Is he not afraid of what could happen to us? How could he? Is what he is doing justifiable? Are relationships really bound to be like this?- 2 people just doing as they please- live and let live?
By asking all this questiond repeatedly and venting this out to friends.. also friends from my support group, coda, i little by little realize or question - is this the controlling part of me.. then i tell myself, no i couldnt accept that i am really controlling. Of course i would be insecure and fearful.. i was suddenly abandoned. And i do not know much about addiction. Its very very very sad, just like what i learned in the coda meetings, that suddenly I AM the problem. And i have to deal with it on my own. Its likean inner dragon had been awakened.
I really dont know now the truth about me. And i resist to have to think and accept that i am the problem. I even have difficulty accepting i am a codependent and iv been attending meetings for 1 year now. Of course my self esteem will be affected with this. He was a closet gambler.. and he proposed to me.. i never knew about this until 2 months beforeour wedding. There were money problems that time but how would i really now?
Is separating really a healthy course to take? I feel so unimportant. But he tells me, leaving is him trying to work better in his recovery so he could be available for the US eventually.
Its so hard. And now i feel ashamed and do not want to reach out to recovery friends. I feel ashamed because ive been stuck. And i cannot accept that i am the problem. I thought i already did so much.
I just dont want to be in the recovery circle. It strongly reminds me of my RG. I just wanna start fresh.
This began when my recovering gambler decided to distance with me. He said he couldnt focus on his recovery well with the demands of our relationshp. I could not accept that but had no choice because he just chose to cut off all communications w me. It made me and to this day depresses me. I could not accept the fact that on his lowest times i never left him. I was willing to give way to his recovery. I understood his schedules and that he needed to prioritize his recovery program along with daily meetings. It has been 4 months. And yet no contact. He left me confused. We were okay.. or maybe i forced my way when he really wanted out. Until 1 day, he just suddenly disconnected from me. Its so unfair.
Currently, im still on my own. I feel my friends are also getting tired of my misery. Of my questions. Overall, i guess my un-acceptance that he has chosen a path without me.. this surfaces so many questions - am i not worthy? Does he really need to be alone? Why cant we work our recoveries side by side? Why is it an option to risk leaving me. Is he not afraid of what could happen to us? How could he? Is what he is doing justifiable? Are relationships really bound to be like this?- 2 people just doing as they please- live and let live?
By asking all this questiond repeatedly and venting this out to friends.. also friends from my support group, coda, i little by little realize or question - is this the controlling part of me.. then i tell myself, no i couldnt accept that i am really controlling. Of course i would be insecure and fearful.. i was suddenly abandoned. And i do not know much about addiction. Its very very very sad, just like what i learned in the coda meetings, that suddenly I AM the problem. And i have to deal with it on my own. Its likean inner dragon had been awakened.
I really dont know now the truth about me. And i resist to have to think and accept that i am the problem. I even have difficulty accepting i am a codependent and iv been attending meetings for 1 year now. Of course my self esteem will be affected with this. He was a closet gambler.. and he proposed to me.. i never knew about this until 2 months beforeour wedding. There were money problems that time but how would i really now?
Is separating really a healthy course to take? I feel so unimportant. But he tells me, leaving is him trying to work better in his recovery so he could be available for the US eventually.
Its so hard. And now i feel ashamed and do not want to reach out to recovery friends. I feel ashamed because ive been stuck. And i cannot accept that i am the problem. I thought i already did so much.
I just dont want to be in the recovery circle. It strongly reminds me of my RG. I just wanna start fresh.
Anyway, I don't think you are part of his problem of gambling, but you MAY be part of the problem why he's not tried to stop.
Codeps enable. You made it easier for him to deny his illness. He needs to do this on his own.
I think it's taking an amazing about of strength, honesty and character if what he's saying is legit.
Please don't be selfish and make this about you. He's got to do this. Support him from a distance. If you love him very, very, very much, say that you will wait for him and do your own work while he's working on his issues.
The only way to start fresh is for you BOTH to admit that the situation was toxic, owning your own part, and work on yourselves independently.
He's right.
why do you say i may be part of why he has not tried to stop? does he want to suffer?
i am sensing that it may be legit... i hope it is. but i can never be sure. who knows.. he told his counselor that he had difficulty letting go of me... that's why i wonder if his counselor opened the idea to let me go.. if so, why? and why is that ever an option!?
what can i do if i love him, i gotta accept. but how about me? how can he risk to leave me..
I think about starting fresh at least 3 times a day. What keeps me going though is remembering that a fresh start does not change my personality or correct my bad habits, nor will it change anyone else's.
There are a few pieces of your message that you should read more closely:
- I was willing to give way to his recovery
- I even have difficulty accepting that I am codependent
- I cannot accept that I am the problem. I thought I already did so much
You may want to consider comparing these points to the patterns of codependency and see what you think.
To be clear on another piece, however, you are not your RG's problem. No one causes someone else's issues on his/her own. What could be important for you though is do look within yourself and decide whether or not *you* have a problem. If you do, then you will need to accept that no one else could have caused yours on his/her own either. Meaningful improvement can come only from within yourself.
Best of luck to you through a tough time. You have to endure the rain in order to see the rainbow.
I think he probably feels a lot of stress that he should stay straight when he is with you and knows he can't or doesn't really want it.
This causes tremendous guilt in him. I do not believe it is about anything negative about you.
I wonder if he could communicate would he say ...you deserve better.
I say you may be part of his problem because you may have been his crutch. You said in his lowest times, you never left him... Maybe you SHOULD have...
The fact that your friends are starting to get annoyed may indicate that you have over valued him and your relationship.
I'd focus on yourself for a while. Be "selfish" to your own psyche! : )
Thanks holborne!
Thanks blessuall!
Helps a lot.. may we all be serene
I do think that person will stay in their harmful or abusive way as long as it is allowed...sad but true. Opposites attract and many times this is not good.
Being good to yourself and not allowing others to hurt you in any way and stand firm with that is a necessary bottom line.
My family in general tolerates way too much and I know where the root of it is in my family.
We must protect ourselves from mistreatment because unfortunately there are those out there that will if it is allowed.
I think it's a battle of the heart and mind mixed with fear. We fear the unknown.. we fear the future when we can't control the course. It's easier for me to stay in my failing marriage because I atleast know what to expect. And when I feel like he doesn't love me I let it destroy me because I know I have so much love to give and goodness in my heart and it kills me that he can't see me for who I am. It's a blow to the ego!!
At the end of the day.. it comes down to my codependency and my need to control. I can't control him and/or how he feels about me anymore than I can control the weather.
I do agree with DeliAnnem "I think it's taking an amazing about of strength, honesty and character if what he's saying is legit."
But don't focus on that. Focus on you. Make a bucket list.. and start 'doing you'!! FInd inner happiness!! And then if you do get back on a path together you will both be happier and more prepared for a better future.. but if it doesn't happen, that will be ok too because you will be happy with yourself!! Good Luck! :-)