You know what - you are RIGHT! We all have our stories, and need to vent, but we should have a positive flow going on as well. Maybe a daily post of positives and happiness that people can read and comment to about their positives. So maybe the goal for me should be to wake up, come on this site, read the positive affirmation for the day ( I read the language of letting go) and reflect a positive thought on that affirmation of the day.
Today's is " PAYOFFS from destructive relationships". I have learned that I got HELP from this and I am getting better and stronger every day. I have learned to stop my self from most cody behavior when I attempt to do something at most times. I have learned the positives of standing up for what makes ME feel good! Today I will be OPEN to looking at the PAYOFFS :o)

Koolman, I totally understand and have felt the same way. I get very frustrated with some of the actions discussed in this forum, however I have learned not to get frustrated with the people here. I am learning patience by being here. Everyone is moving at their own pace towards progress and I think you and I both move a little quicker. That doesn't make us better than anybody else though.

I also will be damned if I will ever end up in another relationship with an emotionally unavailabe narcasistic man. I would also rather be alone than put up with anymore crap. My tolerance for pain has ceased.

Your description of a healthy relationship sounds really good on paper. I would be curious if it really existed. I have only known 2 couples in 43 years of living that would fit your description. They seam to be rare sightings, like Haley's comet. But I applaude you for having a vision of how you would like it to be.

I do believe that your time is just around the corner. She's out there, waiting for you. I have something more important than hope, I have faith that it will be so. Peace.

I don't know if this counts but while I am agreeing with your quest to find strength I find that strength comes in many forms, not just from an SO.

My success story: I am independently raising my 2 beautiful kids and finishing my nursing degree in just 8, hopefully short, months. I have a few really good friends that have the ability to help me see things from a different angle when I get down and make me laugh when I need it or even when I don't need it but it's still nice. I like to think that I help them when they need me too. For me this IS success. It may not be everything I want but you're right, I'd rather do without then settle into something that's just not right. Not every day is blissful, not everyday is completely positive but I am learning and growing... and finding myself, that has got to be success on some level.

Amen Pictrite! You have the right frame of mind there! it is exactly what my therapist told me as well.....and I am learning that!

Cheers to success!!!!!

koolman, I think your last paragraph describes a relationship that only exists somewhere in an old movie. A healthy relationship (and life itself, for that matter) is an endless series of major and minor adjustments and compromises. For me, the key is reach a point where I'm comfortable exposing my warts and flaws to others, and finding people who 1) don't consider it their mission in life to fix my flaws, and 2) are comfortable in their own skin with their own flaws.

As far as the love, loyalty, and security aspects that you described? All of those attributes exist at the beginning of every relationship, or else the relationship wouldn't develop to begin with. The trick is working together in an equal partnership to sustain those attributes (to the extent possible) over the long haul.

I have come to find in expecting someone to lift me up is not futile but someone else can only do so much for you no matter how much love they have for you even in a relationship. I try really hard in my relationship to make known the things that are appreciated rather than focusing soley on "weaknesses". It's something I learned to do as to not point out only what I consider as flaws.

I think looking at our own weaknesses is a good way of trying to improve ourselves unless we drown ourselves in them as I have done in the past, but preying on each other's weaknesses seems like something that is done (because of ego maybe).... in moments of human weakness and emotional turmoil.

There are positive stories that come out of very negative stories. I consider my story to be one of them. Once true emotions are revealed and dealt with I think it makes it a lot easier to build each other up because at some point one or both of you will heal if hidden emotions are faced and dealth with in a more healthy way.

I believe in love but it's not to me that cannot be tested and it's not love that fails but to me it's whether emotions are healthy or unhealthy that dictate whether love is lasting and creates loyalty. You put two people together with unhealthy emotions you are sure to have barely any compromise and lack of understanding each other's needs.

To me everything in this life is momentary including security. I can't say I understand relationships fully but we go through childhood and adult boyfriends and girlfriends thinking one or two were the "one" in that moment in time. I think once we find the person who truely fits and we don't find them just based on our needs at the moment (on a higher level and when our emotions are healthy) then there will be more security in the relationship. Society in general is always going to be showing what seems to be greener (someone above, beyond the other). It doesn't mean it really is greener. I realize I'm rambling, but I guess my point is I feel two emotionally healthy people will have the tendancy to build instead of tear down and have a stronger foundation to fuel strong love and loyalty even in when temptations are all around us.