I haven't tried taking the steps myself, but I did spend some time reading about them, and I agree... Some of them, particularly admitting powerlessness and relying completely on a higher power, don't resonate with me. I know I can't control others, but I do control myself. Nothing will ever change unless I take control and power over myself to make it happen, right?

Same thing with relying on a higher power. Again, it strikes me as something that takes the responsibility and control away from me and puts it who-knows-where. Maybe I just don't understand.

The one thing I did think of, with regards to what higher power I could believe in, was my healthier future self. Having faith in a future where I'm a stronger person with better emotional and mental tools and healthier relationships has been helpful. It keeps hope alive, even when I temporarily stumble.

TO me it is just about letting ourselves off the hook for everything in life.

Some days we just have to put one foot in front of the other and trust the process.

Thanks Jaron and BrightSide.

I will use my future self as a power greater than myself. Hope and time.

When I started looking at this step, I started thinking about the word insanity- what does crazy mean for me? What makes me feel crazy? When do I most feel insane? For me, personally, I feel the craziest when I believe a crazy person over myself, or when I trust a crazy person instead of trusting myself- when a crazy person is telling me that what I KNOW to be right is wrong. And I feel even crazier when I trust that crazy person more than I trust myself! Thats when my life gets really crazy too. I feel crazy when I try to have a rational conversation with an irrational person. I feel crazy when I try to understand a crazy person, when I try to understand what crazy person is doing and why they are doing it.

Then I started to think about, and write about and talk about with my sponsor, what my idea of sanity is. What does sanity actually mean to me? If I was feeling happy with my life and was cool with how I was doing things, off my own bat, then I can tell you now, I wouldnt be on a board like this, I wouldnt be working on my recovery! I dont feel sane. I feel crazy a lot of the time because the codependent stuff that I do makes me feel crazy. My emotionally-unhealthy behaviour makes me feel crazy. So what helps me to feel sane? I feel more sane when I start to see that I dont need to convince a crazy person that I am right. I feel more sane when I trust myself instead of trusting these crazy people. I feel more sane when I stop expecting a rational conversation from an irrational person. All that stuff.

And eventually, for me, after working through these things, and after some really awesome conversations with my sponsor, I started to realise that I feel really crazy, and really get myself and my life into trouble when I ignore my intuition about a situation or a person. And that intuition is what I now consider to be my connection with my higher power, at least that's what it is for me right now :)

If I look at my last relationship, I thought we had this great relationship, I thought I was really happy, I thought we were happy. After a year and a half, the relationship ended and I was in complete and utter shock and for a long time I was thinking 'how did I not see this coming, how did I not know that this is how things really were, how did I not see that this is who this man really is' but if I am really honest with myself, I DID see it. I didn't want to believe it but I saw it. I didn't do anything about it but I saw it. I saw his issues. But I talked myself out of seeing them. I ignored my intuition. I can see that I ignored red flags, I put my head in the sand regarding some really big issues and I had a fear of speaking up, asking about difficult subjects, etc. And to me, that intuition is what I consider to be my connection to my higher power. It's that quiet voice within me that warns me that I am on the wrong track and when I go ahead regardless and ignore that voice and listen to my intellect (because my intellect is usually so much louder!) then things go off track for me and craziness and a great deal of pain ensues.

I think everyones idea of their higher power is unique, it is such a personal thing. I read a lot about this step when I started looking at it. I spoke about it a lot with my Al-anon sponsor, I read some Al-anon stuff about it, I also have Melody Beatties book called Codependents guide to the twelve steps and that helps. I go to meetings and listen to what other peoples experiences have been and then I take the bits that I like and incorporate them and leave the bits that dont resonate. To me, this step is about us figuring out for us what our idea of our higher power might be. And it can be whatever works for you! Read, listen and see if other peoples ideas resonate, see what comes up for you. It is all a process!

Thanks Leaf. That's what I'm beginning to realize. Last night I realized after a great meeting that it's really the idea that there is something bigger than myself and it has good things to offer. Putting details around it is not really necessary it seems... and already feeling sane is not a bad place to begin this step (though I had felt insane or crazy many times before--and it was exactly as you say, trying to subdue or ignore what I was truthfully experiencing inside based on someone else or a situation).

I say that you might try to see that just because Christianity is wrong then that does not make God as unreal.