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starting to worry about self response

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
what great postings. helped me alot. my SO that has moved out is drinking heavy and going down hill. i am worried about him but dont want him back. he is just loosing it. i know its not my fault but am freaked out and upset. i sent his daugher a messge about what i was going to do to give him his part in the house and she was rude and asked me not to get her in the middle. was i trying to do that? dont think so i know that he is staying there and not thinking well and wanted to let her know my plan and to let her know that there is a way that he is going to get out of her house. this was the converstion
me- hope thing are ok at home
i have been told that sonny is staying with you.
i have been to a lawyer and the bank. i will make him an offer. the offer will be around 10-12,000. that is the best i can do. it will take 4 weeks to get that much money from regions. it will cost much to finance that is why i cant go 15,000. interest will be around 4000 dollars to repay. know that sounds very long but that is what they said. approval is in a week and then that much longer to get the money. he will have to have everything out of here to get it and i will call my lawyer when everything is out and he will have to go to olney to get the check. this would include his car and all his belongings. tv, bedroom, lawn mower, and any furniture that he and i agree on. the lawyer papers will also state that he give me his SS 2012 benefit form so that i can claim him for this year. i could give him 1500 dollars before the big check and take this off the total if he wants so that he can get a place sooner. but it will also have to be that everything is out of here. i did not want to involve you but i think he needs someone to sort through this and i need to know that he agrees to all of this before i apply for the loan. thanks sherrry. will not speak of this at work. ( we work together)
her-
I will read this to him but I don't want to be in the middle. I feel as though you guys need to discuss this with each other. Not trying to be rude but last time this happened with you guys I felt like I was. Just ready for it to be done and over....
me-sounds good and agree. if you fill him in i will call him in a few days after he thinks about it.
Seen 4:16 PM
was i wrong to send this? i really did not to ?
RossHomes
RossHomes
I have read about 'triangulation' and i dont know how old his daughter is? But people do tend to pull the kids into the middle in families with alcoholism and addiction.(what ive read in books.)
To tell your troubles, etc.. to your kids is what they call emotional incest.I don't want to make it confusing. you might want to look it up. It is hurtful/harmful to the children.etc...It may be best to talk directly with him .If thats not possible maybe there are other options, like a letter if you think its not possible to talk with him if he's abusive...
Good luck,
Ross
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
he is not physically abuse and not scare of him. he just is difficult to talk with and is living with his daughter and i wantded to get the ball rolling. but as i said will not go though her anymore. part of me wanted to let her know that i am trying to do something to get him his share and so that the can get out of her house. anyway very nice post and gives me something to guide me on this joourney. his daughter is 29 and married and having her own problems also.
duvessa
duvessa
I think what's going on is between you & your STBX & it's good that his daughter was able to speak up for herself so that she wasn't involved further.

I agree with Ross that you can give him the info in writing if there is a reason it's not safe (or if he's not sober enough to be able to listen) to do it in person.
ItTakesTwo
ItTakesTwo
I agree with everyone here. Your motive for talking to the daughter was to let her know you have a way to get him out of her house? That's not your business nor is she asking for your help. Her decision to have him there is hers to worry about or not. Not yours. I do think that if you are really honest with yourself about this, it was a triangulation situation where you were trying to get action from him through her. I don't believe you were outwardly aware of it, but most of us don't try to manipulate with an announcement that this is what we are intending to do.

Direct communication is all you can do. The rest is up to him, sober or not sober. Write a letter if you have to but keep a copy for yourself too.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
he will not make any move by himself and i know that she does not want him there, she has told me that before. but i do agree with comments. and she has been all about it being fair to him so i was letting her know my plan. but again yes i do appreciate the comments and understand what you are saying. it is to light a fire under him to do something that i want him to do but also probably so she would know that i am trying to be fair. going to not worry about what she thinks any more. but i really did not contact her to cause her to be upset. thought it would be good for her to know what the plan that i was presenting was and he drinks alot and avoids doing anything that requires him to follow through and take care of the situation and get his own place.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
what others think of me is not my business and that includes her and as long as i do what is right with myself i dont control others thoughts. so will not contact her about this again and i want it over and wanted i guess for her to help get it over. grow up and face the music and get it done myself. i want his vehicle out of here as i am not sure what is in it and it annoys me and all of his other stuff out as soon as possible. it would finalize it for me and would feel much more peaceful and centered. but i cant make it happen on my time schedule and so need to relax and do what is best for me. thanks again.
HeatherCliff
HeatherCliff
Hi, sassybabe! I hope that everything works out great for you. : )
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand where you're coming from. I agree it was probably not a good idea to contact her about the details. I understand you want her to know what's going on to "help" her with her father. But her issues with her father are not your problem. I know you feel terribly guilty for kicking him out, but her decision to let him live with her is NOT YOUR FAULT. He behaved badly, and is now facing the consequences of his actions. It's about time. I know how hard it is, but try to stop worrying about what she thinks of you and this whole situation. I have been guilty of this as well. Still am to a certain degree. But we have to stop worrying about what others think of us. You have to take care of you, and no one else. Everyone is responsible for themselves, including her, and your SO. Send him a registered letter; that way you'll know that he got it. That's all you have to do is advise him of what's going on. How he chooses to deal with it is his problem. Your lawyer will advance your case for you. He can't simply not do anything for ever and get away with it. The court will move it along if need be. Let the court and the laywer do their jobs for you. I know it is hard to sit back and let someone else handle things for you, because for so long you were the one handling things for others. But that's what you need to do now. It will all work out, at least for you. Please try to stop worrying about him. He is an adult and is responsible for himself, whether he wants to be or not. Perhaps this will be the kick in the ass he needs to get his act together.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
thanks cheryl. so true. its the code in me that even wants to fix this situation for everyone. granted not in the best manner. i can only fix myself and take care of me and do what is best for me now and stop the insanity and get this done. of course my lawyer is as slow as a turtle and the holidays and weather is causing more delays. i want it done and over and i cant make it happen faster that it will be done. i have told myself this over and over to just calm down and realize that i am not in controll. that i will also have weak moments and fear and regret and sadness. these are feelings that i must confront and deal with and thats what is hard. i want a finality to be in place and his stuff gone and the loan done with. then i can decide what to do about the house and job and where to go from here with the help of God, my support her, my friends, and all. its like i want to be the outgoing person that i used to be immediately and not have confusion and well dont want to feel the bad or negative feelings that i know i must. i am not even sure what might be in his truck that is setting on my property. think i should just check it out tomorrow if i can find a key. my job is so stressful and feel code to it also. i have stayed and stayed and dont like the work and it is not a good fix for me. they treat us NP's like bad childern that are just not doing our job and the stress between us and the other unit that our manager has is over the top and a constant source of stress. have told myself over and over that the benefits outway the bad stuff, but no sure it does. other NP's are looking for another job and i have been also. but then also dont want to make alot of big changes along with this very difficult time for me. thanks for listening and appreciate all you good comments even if they dont always agree with my aspect of a situation. having the courage to tell others that they are maybe in the wrong at times helps us grow.
RossHomes
RossHomes
Good luck to you.