Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
It's been a long while since I have posted on here, but here I am. After almost a year of being on my own, and doing some intense soul searching, therapy, and all that goes along with it, I've finally decided to put myself out there and start a new relationship with someone. I actively sought out the company of a woman for the first time in a while, and so far it has yielded mixed results.
We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, and it has for sure been about 90% good 10% uneasy. Not bad at all, she's great, but I'm still having some of those tendencies that I've dealt with in the past. Seeking reassurance, overthinking, AND OVERTHINKING some more, not being able to relax at times and just go with it... Now this is nowhere near as powerful as it used to be. A year ago I wouldn't be able to deal with any of these things, but now I feel much more equipped.
I'm still having those subtle tendencies though that are making it kind of difficult for me to find my footing in the relationship, and making it harder for me to get comfortable. She's made it clear that she is interested in me, and sees me as someone she could be with long term, which is great, and I feel the same way about her. But I still struggle with not hanging on every word she says, and reading into things she says and misinterpreting them. It's almost like I can't have a sense of humor in a relationship?
Again, this pales in comparison to where I was a year ago, I feel emotionally, and psychologically much more equipped to handle this situation, and I feel like I'm actually with the right person.
She and I have talked at length about my emotional issues, the fact that I see a therapist, and suffer from co-dependency, and so far she is more than on board with everything and hasn't had any trouble talking to me, or listening to me when I need it. She's been great. It's me, there's that sneaking feeling inside me that I'm driving her away with neediness, or I'm being neurotic and it's going to make her disinterested.
The thing I'm having trouble remembering is that I don't need these devices in my head, or defense mechanisms in my head, and that I'm good enough just for the person that I am, and that alone is enough to attract someone worth investing my time into. Not everyone is looking to hurt me/you/us and sometimes we need to just be able to go with it, and not over analyze everything that comes our way.
I just want to shut my brain off and let my instincts take over in this relationship and try and enjoy it. Anyone have any advice to share? Similar experiences?
We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now, and it has for sure been about 90% good 10% uneasy. Not bad at all, she's great, but I'm still having some of those tendencies that I've dealt with in the past. Seeking reassurance, overthinking, AND OVERTHINKING some more, not being able to relax at times and just go with it... Now this is nowhere near as powerful as it used to be. A year ago I wouldn't be able to deal with any of these things, but now I feel much more equipped.
I'm still having those subtle tendencies though that are making it kind of difficult for me to find my footing in the relationship, and making it harder for me to get comfortable. She's made it clear that she is interested in me, and sees me as someone she could be with long term, which is great, and I feel the same way about her. But I still struggle with not hanging on every word she says, and reading into things she says and misinterpreting them. It's almost like I can't have a sense of humor in a relationship?
Again, this pales in comparison to where I was a year ago, I feel emotionally, and psychologically much more equipped to handle this situation, and I feel like I'm actually with the right person.
She and I have talked at length about my emotional issues, the fact that I see a therapist, and suffer from co-dependency, and so far she is more than on board with everything and hasn't had any trouble talking to me, or listening to me when I need it. She's been great. It's me, there's that sneaking feeling inside me that I'm driving her away with neediness, or I'm being neurotic and it's going to make her disinterested.
The thing I'm having trouble remembering is that I don't need these devices in my head, or defense mechanisms in my head, and that I'm good enough just for the person that I am, and that alone is enough to attract someone worth investing my time into. Not everyone is looking to hurt me/you/us and sometimes we need to just be able to go with it, and not over analyze everything that comes our way.
I just want to shut my brain off and let my instincts take over in this relationship and try and enjoy it. Anyone have any advice to share? Similar experiences?
Don't you ever wonder what that advice really means? "Don't Overthink!"
I always resented that advice. Heaven forbid you should reflect on a personal relationship for more than 10 minutes. Mea culpe! Who shall I confess to for having doubts?
And here you say that you find your relationship is 90% good. Congratulations! I don't even give my 20 year marriage 75%. Lucky you! In all ernestness.
Allow me to ask you a question:
What do you fear more: committing to a relationship, or being confronted by your need to be loved by someone else?
Personally I think the worst thing about 12 step programs is that tend to make one feel guilty about having emotions and being human, since they have used their program as a cookie-cutter for any challenge in life.
Is it really worth it, to feel guilty because you want to feel loved and needed? Is it a terrible addiction to feel anything?
As I see it, as long as you consider yourself a "reprehensible" love addict there can be no chance for any kind of intimate relationship for you. You can't treat the process of falling in love as something bad and expect to have any kind of real intimacy.
You say it yourself: You're afraid of hanging on every word she says, like you can't have a sense of humor in a relationship. Either give up the notion that falling in love is wrong or give up the relationship.