Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
After spending essentially this entire summer (late April/early May until about three weeks ago) working on myself, being single, going to therapy, and attending support groups, I decided to try my hand at dating again. I did an online dating service app and had some success. I met a few nice women, went on some dates, and it was pretty cool.
Last week I met a woman who I really clicked with. We met for dinner and spent a couple hours just sitting there talking, and laughing, and just learning about each other. She is great, really, she made me laugh, and we just seemed to relate on a lot of different levels.
There are moments during the times we talk that I can feel myself putting out those codependent "feelers' as I call them, where I will send her an open ended compliment, expecting her to respond in kind, and when she doesn't I can feel that little twinge of panic inside that she's not as into me as I am to her... But thankfully I've been quick to dispel that and get it under control, I mean realistically it's been a week.
So far though, it's going really well. We both are able to openly communicate about how we feel about things, she doesn't really have any of the traits I look for in a partner usually, like I will go out of my way to find someone dysfunctional that I can take care of, or control... That's not her. She's independent, successful, and not too mention, totally beautiful.
While I can still feel some of those old tendencies inside me, I can say the work I've been doing on myself has been very helpful to help me keep perspective. The fact that this woman is way different than anyone I have ever dated before, and kind of breaks the stereotypical mold of "who I look for," is also foreign, but very exciting to me.
I guess one other element to this that kind of works in my favor is that she lives about an hour away, and I'm a half-time dad (shared parenting with my ex), so seeing each other every single day isn't an option... I guess that kind of forces me to stay aware on the fact that there is no way I can get totally engrossed in her physically if she isn't physically there.
I just came here looking for some support and maybe some tips that can help me keep the monsters at bay. I'm doing the work on myself still, and trying to live it one day at a time. I know at this point that I deserve good things, and I think this woman is one of the good things I deserve.
Last week I met a woman who I really clicked with. We met for dinner and spent a couple hours just sitting there talking, and laughing, and just learning about each other. She is great, really, she made me laugh, and we just seemed to relate on a lot of different levels.
There are moments during the times we talk that I can feel myself putting out those codependent "feelers' as I call them, where I will send her an open ended compliment, expecting her to respond in kind, and when she doesn't I can feel that little twinge of panic inside that she's not as into me as I am to her... But thankfully I've been quick to dispel that and get it under control, I mean realistically it's been a week.
So far though, it's going really well. We both are able to openly communicate about how we feel about things, she doesn't really have any of the traits I look for in a partner usually, like I will go out of my way to find someone dysfunctional that I can take care of, or control... That's not her. She's independent, successful, and not too mention, totally beautiful.
While I can still feel some of those old tendencies inside me, I can say the work I've been doing on myself has been very helpful to help me keep perspective. The fact that this woman is way different than anyone I have ever dated before, and kind of breaks the stereotypical mold of "who I look for," is also foreign, but very exciting to me.
I guess one other element to this that kind of works in my favor is that she lives about an hour away, and I'm a half-time dad (shared parenting with my ex), so seeing each other every single day isn't an option... I guess that kind of forces me to stay aware on the fact that there is no way I can get totally engrossed in her physically if she isn't physically there.
I just came here looking for some support and maybe some tips that can help me keep the monsters at bay. I'm doing the work on myself still, and trying to live it one day at a time. I know at this point that I deserve good things, and I think this woman is one of the good things I deserve.
I still have those "codependency feelers" as well....doing something for someone and then expecting them to reciprocate...and when they don't, my self worth seems to lessen. The thing is, I truly believe these tendencies will always be there, but the more you work on yourself, the less they have an affect on you and you begin to realize these old habits are happening less and less.
As for tips, I know when I start to spiral a bit and feel those codep tendencies coming on strong, either because something triggered them or I'm just in a depressed mood, I do a few things. Since my boyfriend and I have been together almost 6 months and he understands certain things about me, I talk to him about my feelings and he generally is there to help me. I also take some time to myself, since it seems like if I spend too much time with him during those spiraling moments, I start to feel clingy and I don't like that. So I take some time to myself, to process my feelings and work on myself. The other thing I do....is do something for me to empower myself! I like to practice yoga, write in my journal, visit family and friends....anything that will help me to find my independence again and grow my self confidence. It totally helps, although sometimes it can take a few days or a week before I start to feel better. I also continue going to therapy, which ALWAYS makes me feel so much better, as it helps me to put things into perspective.
I'd also recommend a few books for you: Codependent No More, and The Language of Letting Go. They've both really helped me. There is also a podcast by Brooke Castillo that I like to listen to and I think her words may be able to help you as well.
Keep us posted about this new lady in your life. I'm really happy for you!
So far, so good, just have to keep at it. Hopefully at some point it will all become automatic.
Second, I'd stop calling this a relationship. You are getting to know a PERSON. Period. Keep it very casual. DO NOT get physical!!! I don't mean to bang my comment, but since you have codep issues and you sound really smitten, just make this situation about making a FRIEND first- who just happens to be independent, successful and beautiful.
Start putting body fluids in the mix, and it will get way too complicated. Besides, you need to feel really confident before bedding her- if she's confident and you are not, it'll be a big downer.
Take it slow. Even if it doesn't work out, then your hurt will be minimized.
I'm happy for you that you are getting out there! When was the divorce again???