Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
New to this site and group. I've known of the term "codependency" for years but misunderstood it's meaning. I had a counselor suggest it to me when I was going through a hurtful divorce several years back, but I didn't really look into it because I thought I knew what that was and it didn't apply to me. Recently a friend, who I've shared a lot about myself with, suggested I re-examine this. So I made a real effort to learn about codependency absent my own bias' of what I thought it meant. Wow, ouch and oh my God! I'm really spinning from it.
Always a tough thing to have a mirror unexpectedly pop up in front of you and stare you in the face. I grew up with an alcoholic father but put it past me as an adult and worked to not hold a grudge or let that impact or define my life going forward. I had no idea it already had. Behavior traits of mine that I always thought defined me as a compassionate, selfless and giving person are showing themselves to be part of my dysfunction. It's disturbing and I'm struggling with it. I am thankful to see a reason behind why I am so devastated when relationship go sideways and why I become so overly attached to others. This was something I had been working to understand for years and just chalked it up to me being an emotional lightweight who needed to toughen up.
There is so much more on this pile but my reason for posting is to ask.... what now? What do I do? Is it enough to just know this and be aware of it (I see posters say awareness is 90% of the solution). I'm uncomfortable and even embarrassed that I've been living a life that has had a reality much different that what I had perceived. I'm just looking for any thoughts and wanting to find some hope for better days in my future.
I've read many of your postings and appreciate them.
Thank you,
Always a tough thing to have a mirror unexpectedly pop up in front of you and stare you in the face. I grew up with an alcoholic father but put it past me as an adult and worked to not hold a grudge or let that impact or define my life going forward. I had no idea it already had. Behavior traits of mine that I always thought defined me as a compassionate, selfless and giving person are showing themselves to be part of my dysfunction. It's disturbing and I'm struggling with it. I am thankful to see a reason behind why I am so devastated when relationship go sideways and why I become so overly attached to others. This was something I had been working to understand for years and just chalked it up to me being an emotional lightweight who needed to toughen up.
There is so much more on this pile but my reason for posting is to ask.... what now? What do I do? Is it enough to just know this and be aware of it (I see posters say awareness is 90% of the solution). I'm uncomfortable and even embarrassed that I've been living a life that has had a reality much different that what I had perceived. I'm just looking for any thoughts and wanting to find some hope for better days in my future.
I've read many of your postings and appreciate them.
Thank you,
I also believe it is true that awarness is a large part of the solution (I've never done the math to determine if it is 90% though... it might be 82% :)) ).
In any case, the first step is to stop feeling embarrassed. Like the person who does not dance because he/she is afraid of looking foolish, the person who is afraid to let himself accept his personality (both the strengths and the improvement areas) risks missing out on a richer, fuller, more-wonderful life.
Try to accept that we all have flaws. Some people are selfish. Some people are bad drivers. Some people talk too much. Some people are codependent. In reality, most people are two wrapped up with their own "stuff" to notice yours. If you take your life in a different direction, no one is going to come to you and say "ah ha! I knew that you were faking it before!"
Also, keep learning and keep reaching out. Sometimes, people here will offer great and valuable insights. Sometimes we will not be helpful at all. Take and leave whatever you need from this and other opportunities.
Finally, spend a little time each day thinking about what you want out of life. It feels scary to you now, but it is an exciting time. You are turning the page to a new chapter, only the chapter has completely-blank pages. Your story is yours to write, in any way that you choose to write it. If someone else has a problem with your story, they can read another f***ing book!
I hope that my comments give you something to think about and that those thoughts give you the hope you're seeking within yourself.
H
I'm sorry, but since when (if ever) was being a compassionate, selfless and giving person completely wrong? Of course that idea (or rather ideology) is disturbing, because the un-spoken solution would be to become a heartless, selfish, stingy person, wouldn't it?
Whatever happened to "my relationship failed, and that is a very difficult disappointment for me"?
Unless your alcoholic father lived in your household, I'm presuming he had nothing to do with your marriage.
I don't see you as a flawed person, just because your dad had some serious problems. Why are now dysfunctional because of what your dad did?
You're not really going to appologize for being a nice person, are you? Is that your character defect? Are you going to pray to a "higher power" to make you a meaner, more spiteful person so that you stop being compassionate, selfless and giving?
I'm not picking on you. I'm not making fun of you. I'm just wishing you to stop believing that you're dysfunctional because your dad was.
So I recommend that you take a nice little read at this blog, which will pick you up and not label you as "dysfunctional":
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/