Hello Folks.

Completely new here. Tonight I feel the need for a safe space to just get a night of ..transitionary difficulty expressed. It's been a while since i felt this much tension around this topic.

I realised i was codependent about 5 years ago. I've worked really hard since that moment to heal it. I've done fantastic. To myself, I am fantastic example of healing from it. I was full of low self esteem etc, now i teach classes and help so many in groups. I worked hard every damn day. I read everything. I practiced everything. I let go of so many hindering my growth of self love.

However, recently i went through a break up.. and today, I experienced a difficulty that resonated strongly with my memories 5 years ago during my first codependent 'ending' of a relationship.

Today. I had fear. I was confused. My logic was blurry. My willpower wanted to cave. I felt guilty about not being satisfied with what was currently being given. I started to panic, but focused on my breath as i have years of meditation experience now.
I put in place some quickly thought of stablisers. Pulled up top 5 things to do when making boundaries. Top 5 codependent pitfalls. Needed to remind myself quickly.

They worked. They got me through the conflict. I held my boundaries. New types of boundaries placed into an existing dynamic. I am sure you all know how hard that tends to be. I was so scared... I know the truth though. I kept the image in my head of what would continue if i did not carve new boundaries.. The same existing dynamic repeating. It scared me more than the fear of conflict/abandonment/guilt/shame. First they come at you with dominance, then they tend to bargain, then they tend use anger, then they tend to use guilt, then they tend to use shame. It's all so subtle. So normalised. Every part gets tested. If you falter, it repeats. If you succeed. Everytime gets easier. You get more memories of self love, self respect, and you feel warm on the inside.

It was only last month when a person i was seperating from began to treat me with disrespect in a more obvious way. I seen it for what it was. I seen how i allowed myself to be disrespected by not teaching them my boundaries with more self respect during our relationship. They were pretty decent in general. Not to confuse them with someone abusive. However at the end, yes, there was lacking.

Fear/Desire are so interconnected. If they do not fear your loss, they do not value you. They cannot desire what they cannot value. So we end up creating dynamics where we are not valued. Yet, we must not do it for others. I did this for myself. I like myself. I play computer games, I rock climb, I struggle with food but im kind when it happens, I have a great Cat, a wonderful education. I run lots of groups that help people help themselves. I really like me. I would rather be with myself than with someone else who doesnt treat me equally as good. Why would i choose less?

I'm proud of myself today. It was scary. Very scary. Im very nervous about the messages they have sent me that i have not read yet. very scared. I'll wait until i am feeling good and confident before reading them. Im feeling shakey tonight. We had an agreement, they broke it..again after very clear communcation about it. I refused to move my boundaries. They'll think im unreasonable, selfish. They'll use it as more reason in thier mind to continue thier stance. That is fine. I choose me, and even though that is very very scary, to feel by yourself, I must teach myself where i made mistakes with my boundaries, so that i may teach others how to respect me more by being honest about my limits, my needs, and my continually developing relationship.

Thank you for the safe space tonight to let me do the ranting. I am usually a bit more articulate, but i just needed to write. I just needed to see it in black and white for myself. Much obliged for the space.

Ray