Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Sorry guys but I just can't figure all this out. I am going to start from the beginning and try to make it short.
My issue right now is I can't seem to let go of the boyfriend. Why? I don't know. We have broken up many times and got back together. Have lived together and it has not worked. Right now we are not together but hanging out now and then over the past month and a half (yes there has been sex). He has a big heart, is kind, says he loves me, can support himself most of the time. He has a job. He is 9 years younger than me, has ADHD, has chronic pain but works, may be some mental illness. He is so lazy and doesn't do anything but work when he can and play video games and watch tv. He has no drive, no goals and usually no money after paying bills. He smokes, I don't. He doesn't care that I have asthma, he still smokes around me. Never asks me on a date or anything. He doesn't help with anything, just sits around. I work 2 jobs to support myself and my son. He doesn't think to do things for me unless I ask and even then sometimes he doesn't do what I ask. I do enjoy our conversation and his family is great. I think they love me because I am always helping him.
I grew up in an alocholic/abusive household. My father is an alchoholic and my mom stayed in the relationship for a very long time and then she left myself and my sister to take care of my dad. We joined her later. Then when I was 18 she moved away with her 2nd husband and told me to fend for myself. I ended up in abusive relationships. I have now been sober and smoke free for 5 1/2 years. Yeah me!
Anyways I don't know what I'm asking really. . I know deep down this relationship will never work and I have said that to the boyfriend.
Is it normal to find it so hard to leave? Why? Is this where I need to learn more about detachment? If I don't know what he is doing I feel very anxious and panicky.....is this normal with codependents? Is it ok to stay friends (with benefits) or is this just asking for trouble? I appreciate any advise or comments.
Thanks for listening......again!
My issue right now is I can't seem to let go of the boyfriend. Why? I don't know. We have broken up many times and got back together. Have lived together and it has not worked. Right now we are not together but hanging out now and then over the past month and a half (yes there has been sex). He has a big heart, is kind, says he loves me, can support himself most of the time. He has a job. He is 9 years younger than me, has ADHD, has chronic pain but works, may be some mental illness. He is so lazy and doesn't do anything but work when he can and play video games and watch tv. He has no drive, no goals and usually no money after paying bills. He smokes, I don't. He doesn't care that I have asthma, he still smokes around me. Never asks me on a date or anything. He doesn't help with anything, just sits around. I work 2 jobs to support myself and my son. He doesn't think to do things for me unless I ask and even then sometimes he doesn't do what I ask. I do enjoy our conversation and his family is great. I think they love me because I am always helping him.
I grew up in an alocholic/abusive household. My father is an alchoholic and my mom stayed in the relationship for a very long time and then she left myself and my sister to take care of my dad. We joined her later. Then when I was 18 she moved away with her 2nd husband and told me to fend for myself. I ended up in abusive relationships. I have now been sober and smoke free for 5 1/2 years. Yeah me!
Anyways I don't know what I'm asking really. . I know deep down this relationship will never work and I have said that to the boyfriend.
Is it normal to find it so hard to leave? Why? Is this where I need to learn more about detachment? If I don't know what he is doing I feel very anxious and panicky.....is this normal with codependents? Is it ok to stay friends (with benefits) or is this just asking for trouble? I appreciate any advise or comments.
Thanks for listening......again!
Perhaps choose today to never see him again. The write down your feelings about how that decision.
If it will never work, then you are doing something damaging to yourself for some reason. You have to decide what that is.
NO to friends with benefits. It will stop you finding a fulfilling healthy relationship.
Supports himself MOST of the time??? That means you've supported him SOME of the time. Sounds like a catch... NOT.
You don't have one son; you've got two if you stay with this loser.
Sober and smoke free is AWESOME! That says you can do difficult things. Bur you are addicted to this feeling of taking care of this guy, just like your mother was. It's what she taught you.
I'd suggest using the same strategies you used to get rid of those other addictions. And therapy. And this may mean confronting your mother at some point. Once you do, you may find the hold this guy has on you goes away.
You have said that you know deep down that this relationship will not work. Why continue to try to silence yourself?
I think Reply #2 nailed it "I'd suggest using the same strategies you used to get rid of those other addictions."
Yes, your feelings toward him are just like an addiction. You know he's bad for you, like cigarettes, yet you keep going back for more. I have gotten addicted to certain toxic people in my life as well. I was never able to end it until I got dumped and they went no-contact, or until after they did something so cruel that staying was more painful than leaving. I think you stay because he hasn't hurt you badly enough to make you leave.
I also say "no" to friends with benefits. What if you get pregnant? Please don't take risks with him. You and your son deserve better.
I would say for now, it sounds as though you feel this relationship is truly unfulfilling and not healthy for you, if this is the case, then no contact would probably be the best thing until you can gain some objectivity and perspective....and maybe just get 'clean' from the situation.
Feeling feelings is a part of life....you gotta feel 'em, but your actions is where you have choices......
Take care of you, and consider some deep breathing when you get panicky.....I find the minute I am having anxiety over anyone/anything it is because I am holding my breath......do it for 5 minutes, really long deeeeeeeeeeeep breaths :) It really helps!
Take Care of you!! You are worth it!!
Holborn: I love your comment about silencing myself. I have spoken up alot lately in regards to standing up for myself with my family but have alot more work to do. It is frightening at times but also feels good.
Deli: I love your straight up and to the point answers! You just say it like it is! Love that!
Still am sorting through my feelings but also think and hope I am handling this situation right for ME and have confidence I can and will get through this the way I see fit. I am strong and I know that. I don't think i have done anything so hard in my life.
I know I need to some serious feeling of feelings! Finding that a bit difficult but I will continue to read and do workbooks and hopefully I can find some inner peace and carry on. Thanks again all! I love this site! Enjoy your day! :)