Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello,
Nice to meet you all, so to speak.
I'm definitely aware that I'm codependent and am trying to change my ways. I recently got out of an intense 4 year friendship with a girl who is a hardcore heroin addict. She began dating a dealer, they had a child together and I found myself in the middle of the tornado that was their addictive lives. It was especially hard to extricate myself from the situation because of the child, whom I love dearly, but I was being treated so poorly by my friend, being spoken to cruelly at times, abandoned, disregarded and stolen from and yet I stayed on, loyal to a person who was incapable of giving what I gave her. I had been in an unhealthy verbally abusive friendship prior to this that I managed to escape from and my self esteem and self worth became so low that I could no longer stand up for myself. I became traumatized from intense and dangerous moments as well as deeply depressed, feeling trapped, isolated and totally alone. I didn't reach out to others or tell them what was really going on because I didn't want to worry them. My whole life disappeared in the lives of other very unhealthy and sick people. I had been sucked up into the tornado and was unable to get out of it for years.
I don't have much family left either that I could turn to, as most of my relatives live in Sweden. My mom passed almost 10 years ago from cancer and since then I did anything I could to prevent losing anyone else close to me. I thought I could save my addict friend, who had a seriously bad habit, because I could not stand the thought of having anyone else I cared about die. It finally became too much, I reached my wit's end and knew I had to leave. I told this girl's parents all that had been happening in hopes that they would take over caring for the child. Once I felt that she was in safe hands with her grandparents, I began trying to plan my escape. I met a man in recovery from going to an open AA meeting as support for this addict friend, who pointed out that my addiction was codependency. He worked the 12 Steps with me, replacing the world "alcoholic" with "codependent". It did wonders and I was able to begin the ending of the unhealthy relationship, even though my friend did not want it to end, constantly trying to get ahold of me after I asked repeatedly and respectfully for time and space, calling me on her parent's phones, threatening me and then turning around and saying she loved me. It was insanity and it was painful.
I began dating the man who helped pull me out of this mess. He is 11 years clean and his life evolves around recovery. A lot of issues have come up with him as well, since this is my first real romantic relationship. He is older than me and similar in many ways to my absent father as far as appearance and certain personality traits, whom my mother divorced when I was 2 because he was an alcoholic. My father was completely absent during my life and so my mom became my role model, a strong, intelligent, independent woman, originally from another country who came here by herself at 20 years old and began a life for herself, who also had many codependent tendencies that I picked up and inherited.
The man I'm with is obviously different than my father since he found recovery to save him from his drinking whereas my father died when I was 17 of stomach cancer, due to not being able to stop drinking. Abandonment and loss issues have risen and I'm well aware I need to watch my codependent tendencies, since some of my closest friends are going through difficult times and I have to stop myself from once again putting my own life on hold to help deal with their problems, letting myself and life fade into the background. It's a hard habit to break. That fine line between love and codependency can be so easily and innocently crossed that it can be hard to notice it's even happening until it's too late.
Thank you for taking the time to read my long winded intro. It certainly felt good to type out in a venue where others understand. Thank you and bless you and have a wonderful day.
FreyjaCat
Nice to meet you all, so to speak.
I'm definitely aware that I'm codependent and am trying to change my ways. I recently got out of an intense 4 year friendship with a girl who is a hardcore heroin addict. She began dating a dealer, they had a child together and I found myself in the middle of the tornado that was their addictive lives. It was especially hard to extricate myself from the situation because of the child, whom I love dearly, but I was being treated so poorly by my friend, being spoken to cruelly at times, abandoned, disregarded and stolen from and yet I stayed on, loyal to a person who was incapable of giving what I gave her. I had been in an unhealthy verbally abusive friendship prior to this that I managed to escape from and my self esteem and self worth became so low that I could no longer stand up for myself. I became traumatized from intense and dangerous moments as well as deeply depressed, feeling trapped, isolated and totally alone. I didn't reach out to others or tell them what was really going on because I didn't want to worry them. My whole life disappeared in the lives of other very unhealthy and sick people. I had been sucked up into the tornado and was unable to get out of it for years.
I don't have much family left either that I could turn to, as most of my relatives live in Sweden. My mom passed almost 10 years ago from cancer and since then I did anything I could to prevent losing anyone else close to me. I thought I could save my addict friend, who had a seriously bad habit, because I could not stand the thought of having anyone else I cared about die. It finally became too much, I reached my wit's end and knew I had to leave. I told this girl's parents all that had been happening in hopes that they would take over caring for the child. Once I felt that she was in safe hands with her grandparents, I began trying to plan my escape. I met a man in recovery from going to an open AA meeting as support for this addict friend, who pointed out that my addiction was codependency. He worked the 12 Steps with me, replacing the world "alcoholic" with "codependent". It did wonders and I was able to begin the ending of the unhealthy relationship, even though my friend did not want it to end, constantly trying to get ahold of me after I asked repeatedly and respectfully for time and space, calling me on her parent's phones, threatening me and then turning around and saying she loved me. It was insanity and it was painful.
I began dating the man who helped pull me out of this mess. He is 11 years clean and his life evolves around recovery. A lot of issues have come up with him as well, since this is my first real romantic relationship. He is older than me and similar in many ways to my absent father as far as appearance and certain personality traits, whom my mother divorced when I was 2 because he was an alcoholic. My father was completely absent during my life and so my mom became my role model, a strong, intelligent, independent woman, originally from another country who came here by herself at 20 years old and began a life for herself, who also had many codependent tendencies that I picked up and inherited.
The man I'm with is obviously different than my father since he found recovery to save him from his drinking whereas my father died when I was 17 of stomach cancer, due to not being able to stop drinking. Abandonment and loss issues have risen and I'm well aware I need to watch my codependent tendencies, since some of my closest friends are going through difficult times and I have to stop myself from once again putting my own life on hold to help deal with their problems, letting myself and life fade into the background. It's a hard habit to break. That fine line between love and codependency can be so easily and innocently crossed that it can be hard to notice it's even happening until it's too late.
Thank you for taking the time to read my long winded intro. It certainly felt good to type out in a venue where others understand. Thank you and bless you and have a wonderful day.
FreyjaCat
I have no idea of how to reply to your intro,
so I just say - welcome here to this group.
Don't be shy around here. I hope that you continue find some insights by sharing here and by reading what others have to say.
The last part of your message really spoke to me:
"That fine line between love and codependency can be so easily and innocently crossed that it can be hard to notice it's even happening until it's too late."
It is very easy for me to fall back into the old habit as well. Stay vigilant.
H