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I didn't realize how bad he was abused as a child!
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
I have been w/ my BF a little over a year but it wasn't until last night that I found out the details of the sexual abuse and why I feel like Im always pressuring him to have sex. The thing is I want sex and he doesnt and I only get to spend time with him once a month, so I assumed my 29 year-old BF would be raring and ready to go when we spend a couple of nights together. I didnt fully understand what the problem was; I took it as Im not sexually attractive to him anymore.
The problem is he also a newly recovering drug addict and he was molested as a child, and lives 1 away trying to get sober. My problem is Im a bi-polar with a hyper active sex drive, and a try to get a handle on my codependency issues. So yes we are probably not the best couple but we really love each other.
When he first told me he was molested, which I thought that meant he was touched inappropriately. I found out last night after a huge fight after I made the comment that something has to change with our sex life it was during this fight he finally told me what happened to him. His babysitter and her husband would take turns have sex with him while his mom was at work on a regular basis. He then went on to tell me that he really has to try really hard to work through the memories of the sexual abuse before we can be intimate that or just get high and then he is willing to have sex.
He also told me that even though I find him sexy as hell, he as issues even getting naked and he is not ok with his self-image. He also told me that he has trouble initiating sex, and that Im going to have to initiate when I want sex. I know that he just explained more of the details, but I still feel really bad about forcing the issue as much as I did. I feel like I bring those memories back with the way I get him to have sex with me, because I have kind of forced him to have sex with me. It has been in a sort of predatory manner. So of course after learning all this I feel like piece of poop.
Is there information out there on how I can better understand what he is dealing with, and what I can do to be more supportive of his needs?
It's perfectly understandable why he has an aversion to sex. They probably criticized his young body, which is why he has an aversion to being naked. People like that should be strung up from the nearest lamp post.
I think he's suffocating some repressed ANGER at being violated as a kid. When he learns to express the anger, in a healthy way, of course, not by getting high, like sports, or physical exercise, he'll unleash his sex drive, and he'll feel better about his body image too, because his body will be getting firmer and tighter.
You're 37. How old is he? If in his 30s, c'mon, at some point, one has to put the old skeletons to rest so that one can get on with living a completely fulfilling life.
Of course, I was never sexually molested as a kid, not to mention in that way, a tryst with two people I thought I could trust, so I can only imagine how that "damaged" him spiritually, psychologically. My SISTER WAS sexually molested, by a friend of my brother's and it took her years to work through that, before she met her current husband, who is wonderful, a very nice man, who has been very patient with her. They now have two kids, so, obviously, she worked through her sexual issues! I think their relationship, intimately and in every other way, works, because he lets HER be in control. Maybe, if your BF felt IN CONTROL, instead of you being a wild animal always initiating, that would help him-! Soften yourself a bit, learn to quell your own desires, be more submissive, let him take the lead, if the desire is even there in him. If it's just not in him, you might be with the wrong guy. But, for his sake, I hope he finds a better way to deal with this than getting high.
Although I was never sexually violated, I WAS ridiculed as a kid, by other kids, and it left scars. But I've learned to work through it, develop a sense of humor, exercise, unleash the anger when new, similar assholes try to belittle me, and realize that those assholes were just feeling like shit (the one guy was overweight), so they took it out on me, a fairly bright, lean, happy kid! I'm 47, and I think I've finally put "the Devil" to rest in that regard.
I'm not a qualified sex abuse counselor, of course, so I hope you take my comments with a grain of salt.
Now I know it's not that he doesn't want me I need to be more understanding and talk with this to my therapist and my sponsor. More than me I need to know what a real relationship is. He is my first real BF every other man that I have been with was purely sexual, so for me sex = LOVE. I had no clue that when he wanted to give me back rub that was his way to get into things going, it is foreign concept to me.
After things calmed down and were able to talk and cuddle I know now now that if I want his arm around me I need to not wait for him to come to me.
It will be a learning process all the way around!
Sounds like you two are on the right track. It's just a matter of learning each other's "love languages" (there is a book, The 5 Love Languages). It takes time, softness and understanding.
Sex IS an EXPRESSION of love, but it's not love. Love is deeper. You don't have to be fucking to enjoy love. You can merely be cuddling, watching a movie together, gently stroking each other's hair. It doesn't have to lead to sex. But, of course, SOMETIMES, we'd like it to lead to sex!
How often you need sex and how often he needs sex is just one of those compatibility things you guys have to feel your way through, to see if you two gel, are mutually compatible.
How long have you two been together?
I have a better understanding from you and from another male sexual abuse survior. I now get the fact that just because he doesn't initiate sex doesen't mean he is not still attracted to me. he also explained that if I want to cuddle with him I need to go to him and not wait for him to come to me!
Sad as it may be - he is really only my second man that has been in my life for any length of time. The men that have been in my life before was all about sex and not really spending any quality time together.
I never thought of myself as an insecure person, but then again all my time has been about sex and nothing else. This is a welcome change to see that a man likes me for more than what i can do in the bedroom.