Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Here's my question: What is healthy adult self-nurturing and self-care? What's the difference between self-nurture and self-care?
Why I ask: I was born two months early and was supposed to die (My Mom didn't take care of herself, didn't eat well, didn't sleep as she worked the night shift, etc. Her supervisors didn't even know she was pregnant). I spent my first month in the infant ICU in an incubator. Then as a baby I was dropped on my head (My Mom's thoughts were: "Uh-Oh, now I'm in trouble" - not "OH NO, My baby!!!" At least that's what she's shared with me over the years.), then I was shipped off to my Aunt's in Canada for a month. So from day one, I didn't ever form whatever bond is formed with one's mother. Of course after my younger sister was born (on time, healthy, held a lot, etc) I watched my mother give her attention and tell me to leave her be/stop pestering her. The story only gets worse from there. I share that to help explain that when our marriage counselor asked if I felt I received any nurturing in our adult relationship I was really confused. I thought nurturing was limited to infants. Months later, I have a personal therapist now and at each session I've asked if we could address this and each time we've run out of time. I would really like an answer to this but don't know where to turn so finally I've clued in to asking here. I would greatly appreciate any insight you're comfortable sharing.
Why I ask: I was born two months early and was supposed to die (My Mom didn't take care of herself, didn't eat well, didn't sleep as she worked the night shift, etc. Her supervisors didn't even know she was pregnant). I spent my first month in the infant ICU in an incubator. Then as a baby I was dropped on my head (My Mom's thoughts were: "Uh-Oh, now I'm in trouble" - not "OH NO, My baby!!!" At least that's what she's shared with me over the years.), then I was shipped off to my Aunt's in Canada for a month. So from day one, I didn't ever form whatever bond is formed with one's mother. Of course after my younger sister was born (on time, healthy, held a lot, etc) I watched my mother give her attention and tell me to leave her be/stop pestering her. The story only gets worse from there. I share that to help explain that when our marriage counselor asked if I felt I received any nurturing in our adult relationship I was really confused. I thought nurturing was limited to infants. Months later, I have a personal therapist now and at each session I've asked if we could address this and each time we've run out of time. I would really like an answer to this but don't know where to turn so finally I've clued in to asking here. I would greatly appreciate any insight you're comfortable sharing.
But what is nurturing for one person may not be nurturing to another.
I don't know if this is off topic - but are you familiar with the 5 Language of Love book? My therapist mentioned this to me and my partner and I was blown away by what I learned. I'm an 'acts of service' person, so I feel most loved and nurtured when he does nice things for me, while he is a 'physical touch' person so he feels most nurtured when I do things like hold his hand or brush my fingers through his hair.
I meant to also say that it is helpful to recognize instances of when you actually felt nurtured, in your past and presently in your current relationship. Judging from your brief description I suspect maybe physical touch or quality time? But when you know what you need to feel nurtured it's easier to ask for it. Just my opinion
As I have never run into either of those for treating codependency
1) Self nurture ????
2) Self care ????
So I looked them up and found a link and they still make no sense to me.
See link http://www.straightfromtheheart.com/growth_selfnurture.htm
For me I have always found it best to care for others and try to nurture others, and when I have had a GF or wife then she would do the care and nurturing of me.
And I do not like the idea of NOT wanting or not seeking a GF or a wife as I do not really want to nurture or care for myself in that way.
I see this as my negativity answer as I seem to always be contrary, but it is the cold hard honest perspective of my own.
If it works for you then that is great, and I would like to learn more about it.
Care: 1.the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something
Nurture: 1. the process of caring for and encouraging the growth or development of someone or something
So Self-care to me reads as if you are literally doing something such as getting a massage, working out, eating right, getting nails done, getting to the Dentist, giving yourself something when you are sick so you don't suffer, etc..to in turn care about yourself and your overall well-being
Where Self-Nurturing is more like giving yourself the pep talks you need when you are hurting, giving yourself rewards for accomplishments or milestones, talking to your inner child about how you will protect her or how to work thru something that the inner child doesn't want to do, asking someone to give you a hug if you need it (which is a huge one, I learned how much it means to the person when they know what to do for you, and it feels good and nurturing), being your own best parent, which helps to protect your spirit and makes your soul feel stronger.
Anyway there is my two cents!
And I must say, what a story about your beginnings.....I have a friend who has similar circumstances as a baby with her mom and now her children are getting the best person from her mom and she really struggles with that (like 'what about me??')....that is a rough as you need that connection. I am glad you are married because maybe your husband can learn some techniques on how to nurture you, to give you some of what you missed!
Anyway, hopefully that helps...... :)
What is caring when we put others first? Self care is doing the same things for oneself. I'd say things like food, drink, staying clean, having housing are basic.
Nurture is doing things that give us a sense of fulfillment. Hobbies, work, being with and doing things for others would be nurturing.
@RoseTyler: I have read that book a few years ago and really liked it. How'd you know? I'm definitely "physical touch" and "quality time". O_O
Just a lucky guess ;)
Thanks for commenting about the language of love book. I have been kind of on the fence about getting that one, but if it's actually useful I might reconsider.
Everyone has really good answers - seeing what others do to self-nurture is very insightful!