Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So I will try and make this short but thorough so I can paint a proper picture of myself and my life and the reasons for my current struggles.
My upbringing was heavy with emotional abuse, maternal narcissism, codependency, and other psychological issues. At the age of 17 I was kicked out of my home in a very negative way. My mother was never there for me anyway, nor my father, and my stepfather enabled my mother's behavior anyway. The rest of my immediate family were the same so I never really had a healthy role model. They were all abusive, dysfunctional and still are this way today. When my mom kicked me out I moved in with my then boyfriend and I have been with him ever since.
I was and have always been self sabotaging and destructive to myself. Victim mentality. I had kids young, but I was a stay at home mom for a long time because he took care of finances. However now at age 29, I turn 30 in a month and I still do not have financial security of my own (i.e. a career nor work experience) and due to the problems we've been having I fear even more what would happen if I were to be on my own.
I never really realized my problem until this past year I had an incredible spiritual awakening which has opened my eyes to the fact I have to take responsibility for my life and my problems and stop blaming my others. I realized I am living in a codependent way and realize the fears associated with it and why I am the way I am. So I am trying now to learn how to break the destructive cycle.
I felt completely blissful and empowered after I had my awakening. I felt like I could take on the world. My partner on the other hand was not on the same level as me and that is because we had been living codependently and the roles we were so used to being in were not crumbling away. I was not longer doing those things that "kept the peace." I began speaking out about how I felt about things instead of keeping it bottled up. This, in turn, created a challenge indeed for our relationship. He began drinking and being verbally abusive and even physically violent i.e. punching holes in walls, throwing and breaking things, threats, etc. It was at this point I realized how I had been really living and why I was so unhappy.
I wanted to be on my own for the first time in my life. I wanted to live by myself and start life anew. This is where I am now. But I am afraid. I have not worked in 9 years (SAHM), I have literally NO work experience, NO career, but I am going to college. I don't even have a car, we have 1 car right now due to financial hardships. The hardship came from when we had a life in another state away from family, lost his job, our car had issues, had to completely start over so we moved back home with "family." Boy that was fun. The both of us came from highly dysfunctional families so as you can imagine living with them was a nightmare. We finally got a cheap apartment of our own and have been living here for about 3 years.
Now, all of a sudden he has a new job offer (with his old job that ran out of work before) back in that state, offering better pay, and better security, etc. So I am at a crossroads. Here I am, no savings, no job/career/work experience, only 1 car which is crappy, 2 kids, trying to go to college, not working right now due to that and kids, and having a spiritual awakening about how my relationship is codependent and realizing I am not happy in my relationship whatsoever.
And I struggle with what to do because I am having conflict within myself regarding what I want vs my fears preventing me from making a move.
I want to be alone, yet I am terrified at the thought of it. Yet I feel like its "time" to go off on my own.
My fears are of course related to financial security. I have been in my role as stay at home mom for so long and have relied on his financial support for so long that I don't know how I would even go about trying to get on my own.
Also, my kids and how separation affects children, and how I am used to being with them but if I am working/going to college, if I am even ABLE to go to college, I worry that I will not see them and be able to be there for them when they need me most.
I worry about being single again and not being able to even date or have a social life because I will be a "single mom." The stigma attached to "single moms" is negative too, considered "bottom of the barrel" and "damaged goods" to a lot of men. Maybe I'm stereotyping but I hear it a lot how single moms are not looked well upon. Not that I care, but its disconcerting to know.
I worry that I will be stuck in poverty and unable to even attend college like I want because I will be stuck working 1-2 jobs to make ends meet. I know I'd prob get child support, but I can't fully rely on that.
I also worry about my abilities to even hack it as a "proper adult." I feel like I'm still the teenage girl. I didn't get a proper "leaving the nest" and I absolutely am terrified of abandonment, not having help if something goes horrendously wrong.
What is it like to be a single mom? I don't even know. And I certainly do not have a healthy support system to help me out. I don't have any relatives who can help me with the kids if I need it. I don't have anyone really. And that is another thing, due to narcissism growing up and such I do not easily socialize. I am shy and nervous. But for awhile I felt blissful and free. I want to get back there again. I don't want to be codependent anymore. I want to be able to stand on my own and be empowered and connected to myself.
I just don't know if I should stick it out and try to get a career going first if I plan to leave. I don't know if I want to make it work with him or not, I am very resentful with how he treated me, but then I remind myself it takes two, but then is that the codependency thing again? To even say that? The thing I want most in life is love, and to feel free in my soul, and to give my kids a good life. I don't see how that is possible yet in my current situation. Is there anyone who can give some advice/encouragement?
My upbringing was heavy with emotional abuse, maternal narcissism, codependency, and other psychological issues. At the age of 17 I was kicked out of my home in a very negative way. My mother was never there for me anyway, nor my father, and my stepfather enabled my mother's behavior anyway. The rest of my immediate family were the same so I never really had a healthy role model. They were all abusive, dysfunctional and still are this way today. When my mom kicked me out I moved in with my then boyfriend and I have been with him ever since.
I was and have always been self sabotaging and destructive to myself. Victim mentality. I had kids young, but I was a stay at home mom for a long time because he took care of finances. However now at age 29, I turn 30 in a month and I still do not have financial security of my own (i.e. a career nor work experience) and due to the problems we've been having I fear even more what would happen if I were to be on my own.
I never really realized my problem until this past year I had an incredible spiritual awakening which has opened my eyes to the fact I have to take responsibility for my life and my problems and stop blaming my others. I realized I am living in a codependent way and realize the fears associated with it and why I am the way I am. So I am trying now to learn how to break the destructive cycle.
I felt completely blissful and empowered after I had my awakening. I felt like I could take on the world. My partner on the other hand was not on the same level as me and that is because we had been living codependently and the roles we were so used to being in were not crumbling away. I was not longer doing those things that "kept the peace." I began speaking out about how I felt about things instead of keeping it bottled up. This, in turn, created a challenge indeed for our relationship. He began drinking and being verbally abusive and even physically violent i.e. punching holes in walls, throwing and breaking things, threats, etc. It was at this point I realized how I had been really living and why I was so unhappy.
I wanted to be on my own for the first time in my life. I wanted to live by myself and start life anew. This is where I am now. But I am afraid. I have not worked in 9 years (SAHM), I have literally NO work experience, NO career, but I am going to college. I don't even have a car, we have 1 car right now due to financial hardships. The hardship came from when we had a life in another state away from family, lost his job, our car had issues, had to completely start over so we moved back home with "family." Boy that was fun. The both of us came from highly dysfunctional families so as you can imagine living with them was a nightmare. We finally got a cheap apartment of our own and have been living here for about 3 years.
Now, all of a sudden he has a new job offer (with his old job that ran out of work before) back in that state, offering better pay, and better security, etc. So I am at a crossroads. Here I am, no savings, no job/career/work experience, only 1 car which is crappy, 2 kids, trying to go to college, not working right now due to that and kids, and having a spiritual awakening about how my relationship is codependent and realizing I am not happy in my relationship whatsoever.
And I struggle with what to do because I am having conflict within myself regarding what I want vs my fears preventing me from making a move.
I want to be alone, yet I am terrified at the thought of it. Yet I feel like its "time" to go off on my own.
My fears are of course related to financial security. I have been in my role as stay at home mom for so long and have relied on his financial support for so long that I don't know how I would even go about trying to get on my own.
Also, my kids and how separation affects children, and how I am used to being with them but if I am working/going to college, if I am even ABLE to go to college, I worry that I will not see them and be able to be there for them when they need me most.
I worry about being single again and not being able to even date or have a social life because I will be a "single mom." The stigma attached to "single moms" is negative too, considered "bottom of the barrel" and "damaged goods" to a lot of men. Maybe I'm stereotyping but I hear it a lot how single moms are not looked well upon. Not that I care, but its disconcerting to know.
I worry that I will be stuck in poverty and unable to even attend college like I want because I will be stuck working 1-2 jobs to make ends meet. I know I'd prob get child support, but I can't fully rely on that.
I also worry about my abilities to even hack it as a "proper adult." I feel like I'm still the teenage girl. I didn't get a proper "leaving the nest" and I absolutely am terrified of abandonment, not having help if something goes horrendously wrong.
What is it like to be a single mom? I don't even know. And I certainly do not have a healthy support system to help me out. I don't have any relatives who can help me with the kids if I need it. I don't have anyone really. And that is another thing, due to narcissism growing up and such I do not easily socialize. I am shy and nervous. But for awhile I felt blissful and free. I want to get back there again. I don't want to be codependent anymore. I want to be able to stand on my own and be empowered and connected to myself.
I just don't know if I should stick it out and try to get a career going first if I plan to leave. I don't know if I want to make it work with him or not, I am very resentful with how he treated me, but then I remind myself it takes two, but then is that the codependency thing again? To even say that? The thing I want most in life is love, and to feel free in my soul, and to give my kids a good life. I don't see how that is possible yet in my current situation. Is there anyone who can give some advice/encouragement?
Growing up with a narcissistic parent does so much destruction that we have to take many years rebuilding our sense on self. It sounds like you are the scapegoat. Read up on this and see if it seems true to you. It takes work but is so very helpful to heal this abuse from within and then make changes to the outside.
I can relate to all of your concerns and fears. I think it's a trait of ours to ball every issue into one big one so it seems so overwhelming it becomes almost paralyzing. Do you have good health insurance? I'd get more support and find a good therapist who can be by your side each step at a time.
Bravo to you for going back to school!! If your husband can support your family right now, go for it!! I was in my 40's when I realized I had to get out of my marriage for a variety of reasons, mainly alcohol. It took me 4-5 years, but I did it and got divorced and got a job teaching (should have chosen a more lucrative field....lol)
My point is (as the other comment mentioned) focus on your own healing, and ....maybe school for now and that's PLENTY!! The rest believe it or not will work itself out....I had to smile when you mentioned being a single mom, dating....etc Try not to project--you are SO young. I was in my late 40's when I started dating again...and that's why I looked for this site....LOL
You don't have to make any huge decisions right now if it will work out with your husband, unless the abuse worsens or it turns physical...You sound like a wonderful mom-- if he can support you all, then this is your time to build skills and your self-esteem. You just have to tell yourself you deserve it!!
Look forward to hearing an update, and I'm new to this site and will blab my story soon that is much like yours, except as I said, I was much older. I am so excited for you that you are making all of these great discoveries about yourself, and started school. Bravo!!
As for Brightside's question, no I have no insurance usually. Right now I do have medicare, but once my partner is back to work again that will go away. Since we are not married I cannot get any of his benefits. We have been talking about it recently though.
Reading your comment, FreeSailing, made me feel somewhat better regarding dating in the future lol. Thanks. And looking forward to reading your story as well. :)
About school and my future, right now my partner has a new job offer out of state. We actually lived there before for many years until he was laid off and we moved back closer to family. Now his old boss is offering a better position with higher pay. So he really wants to take this job. I am already enrolled in college here, but its only a 2 year community college and the PTA degree I am going for only accept 20 or so people total into the program. That means if I don't get in, then I'm screwed basially. But where we would move there are plenty of major Universities that have the same program only not as difficult to get into. Plus, I might do something else if I have more options at a bigger school. But last semester here I was unable to make it to my finals! I have been slacking due to the stress we'd been under. I'm thinking of putting college on hold for a little while until we figure out what we're doing. I don't know maybe moving would give us a fresh start again. I honestly don't know what would be best at this point. But we leave Thursday to take a trip there for a few days to get a feel for things, so we'll see I guess.
But yes I do understand that I will be dealing with him forever since we have kids. I do love him. I am just disappointed that I never got to live my life before settling down. I was so young. I can't help but also be angry at my mother for setting me up for failure. But I do not want to be a victim anymore. The most important thing to me is solidifying myself a decent paying career that I enjoy, taking the time to heal myself, and learning to reverse the emotional damages done to me for years. I'm glad I found this forum to share my story. Maybe it will bring some enlightenment for others on similar paths. Nice to learn from each other.