Been just feeling ghastly lately. Empty, bitter, resentful, depressed, jealous, angry, and every negative emotions times ten.  I’m frustrated beyond belief and tired of waking up dreading another pointless day of misery.

So today’s Courage to Change was timely.  It was on resentment and it said, “Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.”

The thing about revenge and survival really spoke to me.  And it’s true, for all the resentment I harbour towards it seems like everyone at this point in my life, the anger is ultimately directed at me.

I’m angry at myself that I feel not good enough for my mother.

I’m angry at myself  I left a place where I was successful and I’m back in a city where I never found success and reminds me what a failure I am.

I’m angry at myself I have no courage to be honest with my partner.

I’m angry at myself that I can’t seem to make any decisions because I don’t want to disappoint people.

I’m angry my fortieth birthday was two days ago and I’m not where I want to be at forty.  I’m angry I’m immature, unestablished, I might as well be single my relationship is such a mess, I just feel so far behind.

I’m angry that I feel unloved and uncared for when others seem to found someone to love and care for them and have families with.

I’m angry with myself for being a failure.

okay, wow.  Tears are falling but I needed to do this.  

Time to let go of that anger at myself, to forgive myself, and let go of the resentment at others.

Time for acceptance, and hopefully serenity.